The Trolls Invade the Fort

[The Troll 67]

OK, time for a quick update.

 

When we last left off, Mrs. Troll and I were waiting for the DTD bus at the main bus depot at the Fort. The bus was taking an extra long time to get there, so I was bored. So I was taking pictures of the interesting things around the depot.

 

 

 

Hey! More ornamental rocks:

 

 

 

 

 

These picnic tables are fenced off from the public. In order to use them, you must rent a horse:

 

 

See:

 

 

Here's where you board your horse:

 

 

 

For some reason, when I read that sign above, I hear the voice of the guy on the BTMRR narrating it in my head.

 

"Cuz this here is the wildest ride in the wilderness!"

 

And then the Mexican version of that guy starts babbling some gibberish.

 

The rain was good for something:

 

 

And now I say this to all the Fort Fiends who still have their Man Cards: Eat your heart out:

 

 

As you can plainly see, Mrs. Troll is smokin' hot.

 

Finally, Lou showed up with the bus:

 

 

I bet he was pretending not to read trip reports on his i-Phone.

 

For Fort newbs:

 

 

OK, back to the bowling. We paid for two hours of bowling. That meant we could bowl as many games as we wanted. The way this place works, they stick you in a lane of their choosing. You don't get to pick. The lanes aren't like a traditional bowling alley where you have a row of, say, 20 or 30 lanes side by side. Instead, you have only groups of four or five lanes, and each lane group is broken up by a bar or something. Interesting layout.

 

So they usher you -- literally -- to your appointed lane. Then a girl comes around from time to time and asks you if you want anything to eat or drink. This part was fail. The way this joint has to make its money is through booze and pizza. So it behooves them to really hustle the booze. But our girl was your standard should-be-working-at-McDonald's girl -- you know, unmotivated and clearly wishing she was somewhere else. She didn't hustle any booze at all and was somewhat difficult to find. When it came time for a second beer, she was somewhere else, probably chit-chatting in the back.

 

So, like I say, mark my words -- Splitsville will be Brokeville very soon.

 

But the bowling was fun and the decor was really cool. For one game, Mrs. Troll got tired of losing, so she proposed we bowl left-handed. I agreed. Problem is, I am extremely right-handed. I am entirely inept with my left hand. So when I bowled left handed, I felt like President Obama:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-afpPb2NT2I

 

Maybe someone should inform President Obama that he's really right-handed:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJBlwUfIoDk

 

We finished up our bowling and decided to do some indoor exploring. Understand -- over the past 40 years, I have been to Disney World close to a billion times. In all those billion times, I had never been to the Swan and Dolphin hotels. So I suggested we go take a look. They're supposed to be very plush, elegant, and luxurious. I figured that meant they'd have a really, really nice lounge. So we decided to ride the bus from DTD to the Swan or Dolphin or wherever that bus drops you.

 

When we arrived at the bus stop, however, there was a terrible calamity developing.

 

You see, there was a bus driver who was evidently new on the job. And, sure enough, here comes a "disabled" lady on a scooter. And that, folks, brings me to a Troll Rant.

 

[TROLL RANT]

If you were born with deformity or paralysis or if you were wounded in Afghanistan, fine. You're disabled. However, if you've just spent too much of your time making our friends at Frito Lay and Sara Lee rich, you're not disabled! Get up and walk! 

 

You're holding the rest of us up for your comfort! There are other people in the world besides you!

[/TROLL RANT]

 

Remember! I'm allowed to write whatever I want between those TROLL RANT tags and you're not allowed to get mad or report me to the moderators!

 

Anyway, so, yeah, there was a lady on a scooter. She rolled up, and immediately the bus driver panicked. He was new on the job. He started stumbling over himself and babbling in a very confused, unintelligible tongue. He struggled to hook up the ramp for the lady to roll up, and then he really, really struggled with the hooks to strap in the lady's scooter. He was totally confused. Meanwhile, the lady hopped off the scooter, walked to a seat of her choice, whipped out her Sodoku book, and started working the puzzles in the crisp comfort of the dry AC.

 

The rest of us, meanwhile, were standing impatiently in the rain and humidity.

 

This took waaaaaaay too long and resulted in the hugest cluster bus jam I'd ever seen:

 

 

Now, for some reason, there were two other castmembers milling about the bus stop, and, for some reason, they didn't offer to help the new bus driver with hooking up the scooter. Instead they talked smack back and forth at each other about basketball or something. Finally, this completely unacceptable guest experience was too much for the bus driver directly behind this bus where the scooter calamity was occurring, so he angrily stepped out of the bus he was driving and yelled, "Hey! What's the hold up?"

 

The two smack talkers yelled back, "He's hooking up a scooter!"

 

This second bus driver was totally bald...as in shaven head bald. Well, his whole head turned bright red, like a beet lollipop.

 

"He's holding up the entire show!" he shouted at the smack talkers. "Help him! The buses are backed up a mile!"

 

To that the smack talkers yelled back, "Oh, shut up! You get paid by the hour!"

 

I am not making this up. Ask Mrs. Troll if you don't believe me this happened. It happened. I was there. 

 

Up next, a major, major Troll Rant about the Swan and Dolphin. Here's a hint: Troll no like.

[alexwyattmommy 181]

You are completely correct.

 

Mrs. Troll is smokin' hot!

[caveat lector 181]

Troll Rant acknowledged.

[AC in A2......Aaron 693]

Bus drivers dont talk like that.

They are more magical than the pixie dust spreader on the tilt-a-whirl.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

 

 

In another thread, a few Fort Fiends had a discussion about this photo:

 

 

What confused us is how the train is coming straight at the photographer, clearly running parallel to the canal. This is odd, as the leftover tracks don't run in this direction. To research the mystery more, I attempted to recreate the old photo:

 

 

The mystery remains. Evidently the Disney brass rerouted the tracks at some point. Why? Where's that guy who wrote the books about the Fort Wilderness Railroad? Doesn't he read this site? Doesn't he read Troll Trip Reports? Oh, hey, by the way, Guy-Who-Wrote-the-Books-About-the-Fort-Wilderness-Railroad, I'd buy your book, but I'm not going to pay $40 for it.

 

 

 

Good work, Troll.

 

That mystery is still unsolved.  I think the only explanation is that the tracks were moved at some point.

 

TCD

[Discamper 394]

You two can't see that same path in both photos

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

You two can't see that same path in both photos

 

What path?

 

The old photo shows the tracks parallel to the canal and crossing the street at almost a 90 degree angle, pretty close to the bridge.

 

The old track remnants by the 1500 loop entrance are at an acute angle with the road, and are at least 50-60' from the bridge.

 

TCD

[ftwildernessguy 778]

Maybe they should have left the bowling alley in the White House basement. I guess Barry never did tear it out and put in a basketball court like he said he would. In that case, he ought to go down there once in a while and practice.

[The Troll 67]

You are completely correct.

 

Mrs. Troll is smokin' hot!

 

 

Troll Rant acknowledged.

 

Thanks! I think I'm a really lucky Troll.

 

Bus drivers dont talk like that.

They are more magical than the pixie dust spreader on the tilt-a-whirl.

 

Oh, yes, this one did!

 

Good work, Troll.

 

That mystery is still unsolved.  I think the only explanation is that the tracks were moved at some point.

 

TCD

 

Andrew! Agree. There's no other explanation.

 

You two can't see that same path in both photos

 

See below.

 

What path?

 

The old photo shows the tracks parallel to the canal and crossing the street at almost a 90 degree angle, pretty close to the bridge.

 

The old track remnants by the 1500 loop entrance are at an acute angle with the road, and are at least 50-60' from the bridge.

 

TCD

 

Yep. No doubt about it. Odd. Why would they move the tracks that little bit?

 

Maybe they should have left the bowling alley in the White House basement. I guess Barry never did tear it out and put in a basketball court like he said he would. In that case, he ought to go down there once in a while and practice.

 

Ha ha...yeah, he needs practice...but he's a busy guy. All those Oprah and Letterman appearances!

 

Ha! Kidding...kidding.

[The Troll 67]

All right...time for more Troll goodness.

They are still letting me post here. Can you believe that? They haven't gotten the hook and yanked me off stage yet!

Continuing on. When we last left off, we had spent the afternoon bowling at Brokeville and now we were on our way to take a walking tour of the grand Swan and Dolphin. We rode the bus over.

Now...let's set some matters straight. I am very partial to all things Disney World. That's why I'm so nice and positive about all Disney attractions, including "It's a Small World," "The Richard Petty Driving Experience," and the entire "Animal Kingdom" theme park.

But, now, the opulent Swan and Dolphin are not owned by Disney; they're owned and operated by Westin Hotels. So you know what that means?

No. Mercy.

We stepped off the bus and walked along the covered walkway to the entrance. As their names indicate, there are two of these grand visions, and I'm not sure which one we went into.

But it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

As soon as that glass door slid open to invite us in, the shock hit the back of my brain like a bullet shot square between my eyes. I was so visually offended by what was revealed when that door slid open, I wanted to end my vacation and go home.

I have one word to perfectly describe this place:

Mauve.

What is mauve, you ask?

Mauve is the most artificial, garish color that the human eye can register. It was invented in the 1980s by the same people who invented zebra stripe nauguhyde sofas.

This is mauve:



And it was all over that place. Mauve, orange, and green.

The place was stuck -- trapped -- in 1989. The only person who could possibly appreciate this place is the owner of a 1988 Pontiac Fiero.

Tacky. Garish. Dated. Loud. Creepy.

That's the Swan and Dolphin, folks.

Disney should go back to Sunbelt Rentals and rent themselves a nice wrecking ball. Please.

Please, demolish this place. Please.

When we stepped into the lobby, as soon as my feet struck that extremely shiny, orange, 1989 tile with the rounded corners, I wanted out.

"So," Mrs. Troll started, "do you want to find the lounge?"

"I want out of here," was my reply.

"What?"

"I want out of here."

"What are you talking about? We came all the way over here. You wanted to see this place..."

"I've seen enough. I want out. Let's get outta here."

For some reason, this place reminded me of a Super 8 that was trying to be fancy but failing. I kept expecting to turn a corner and run into one of those racks holding those flyers for cheap, seedy tourist trap attractions like Ripley's Believe It or Not and the Alligator Farm. I started getting an anxiety attack. This place was causing me Disney dissonance. That's bad. Real bad. You don't want to see a troll suffering Disney dissonance. Not a pretty sight.

So Mrs. Troll asked me where I wanted to go next. I didn't answer her. I just bolted for the nearest exit.

Seriously, folks, that place is the ugliest, crappiest, tackiest, horridest establishment on Disney property. Horrible. Zero out of four stars. F-. Michael Eisner, if I ever meet you, I am going to punch you in the Adam's apple.

You know how when someone takes a flash picture of you, you see spots still burned on your retina? You know how you see the flash spot even better when you close your eyes? Well, that mauve was burned onto my retina, and every time I blinked, a curtain of mauve overwhelmed my consciousness.

So somehow when I went running out the nearest exit, I found myself on the walkway to the boardwalk place. You know what that boardwalk resort is called?

The Boardwalk! Very creative, Disney. Evidently they went through a very long list of one choice before they settled on the name.

So we agreed to go check out the Boardwalk place to erase the traumatizing images of the two unspeakables.

It was beer o'thirty, so we were looking for a lounge.

Now, there's a difference between a bar and a lounge. You know those places where the barstools are tucked under the bar at a diagonal direction? You know, the barstools are stuffed in next to each other so close that if you want to go to the bathroom, the stranger next to you has to literally stand up and pull his stool out of your way? And then when you're sitting there, strangers behind you are reaching over your head to take beers from the bartender and dripping condensation water on your shoulder?

I hate those places.

I wanted a lounge.

You know, plush easy chairs, throw pillows, and ottomans. End tables and a semblance of privacy. That. That's what I like. Not those tall barstools with that bar in your back.

Unfortunately we could not find the plush easy chair place, so we had to settle for the reaching-over-your-head-for-a-beer place. It was the ESPN place.

I guess it wasn't terrible. It was happy hour time, so it wasn't very crowded. We weren't jammed in next to strangers, elbow to elbow.

They do this show thing where "sportcasters" "broadcast" a sports trivia "show." In reality, it's just two unemployed radio DJs and they use a camcorder to show themselves on the flat screen TVs in the bar. The gimmick is that they ask sports questions and you run up and tell them your guess at the answer. If your guess is right, you win a "prize."

So there were two unemployed radio DJs sportcasters involved in this -- Al and Tom. Tom was standing in the bar and restaurant area, holding a mic just like a TV reporter on a scene. Al was sitting in a glass "sound booth." So to get the crowd pumped up, they decided to announce the "great" prize that you could win by guessing the answer.

It was a pin.

You know, one of those trading pins. That no one trades anymore.

And the really good part was that they were actually trying to get over that these were "special" pins...they were "valuable" pins...worth "something" because the only place you could get this pin was at this ESPN bar.

I didn't buy it for a second.

I started booing. Loudly.

Tom cut his eyes at me, paused a bit in confusion, then looked over at Al in the sound booth and said, "Um, they're booing us, Al."

Indeed.

To Al and Tom, I'm sorry. I really am. I know your job isn't easy. I'm normally not so hard on guys just trying to do their job.

But that Dolphin place had put me in a really foul mood.

Coming up next, random looping pictures!

[AC in A2......Aaron 693]

I am still reading even if everyone else is at the Fort or SM.

Never been in Swan and Dolphin......i guess thats a good thing.

Looking forward to the looping.

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

I'm still reading too! I feel for you with the mauve. We bought a house that was built in 1985. The master bedroom and several rooms were mauve. The original plan was to paint the downstairs first, but after the nightmares that sleeping in a mauve room caused, we painted the master the next day. Mauve is painful. 

[alexwyattmommy 181]

I can now cheerfully cross visiting the Swan and Dolphin off my to do list.

Thank you for taking one for the Fiends.

[Judy in Texas 150]

A+ trip report. Love your Troll Rants. Things I would like to say but don't have the wit to carry off.

[Lou... 3,118]

Never been in Swan and Dolphin......i guess thats a good thing.

 

 

Consider the source before you decide not to visit.

The Swan and Dolphin are very impressive resorts and should be toured.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

I am picturing the inside of the Golden Girls house now.  Or pretty much anything built in Florida in the late 80's. 

[AC in A2......Aaron 693]

Wasn't that mauve color used on all pop-up and TT curtains during roughly the same time period?

[DaveInTN 3,247]

Wasn't that mauve color used on all pop-up and TT curtains during roughly the same time period?

 

Yes, and considering RV design usually trails behind the rest of the world, I think it was used until around 2005 or so. 

[Lou... 3,118]

I am picturing the inside of the Golden Girls house now.  Or pretty much anything built in Florida in the late 80's. 

 

 

Yes, and considering RV design usually trails behind the rest of the world, I think it was used until around 2005 or so. 

 

The S&D have as high a rating as any of the Disney owned resorts.

I actually worked at the Dolphin front desk for awhile and have worked many, many, conventions there as well.  

I have had nothing but positive experiences there, including the ambience.

[AC in A2......Aaron 693]

Isn't Blue Zoo in one of them?

 

If so, I will have to venture in there sometime.

[Lou... 3,118]

Isn't Blue Zoo in one of them?

 

If so, I will have to venture in there sometime.

 

Yes it is and so is Shula's Steakhouse which is considered to be one of the top 5 steakhouses in the Orlando area.

[alexwyattmommy 181]

So I put it back on my list but included colored sunglasses to negate the mauve color overload.

[ftwildernessguy 778]

I wonder what Lou was doing when he "worked conventions?"

[GOBA Mom Lynn 18]

We stayed at the Dolphin in 2004 and enjoyed it.  

My DH got one of their refillable mugs- I don't think it's a good graphic, but he likes it.  (Sorry I don't have a picture.)  

The Heavenly Beds they have are definitely better than any beds at the other resorts, very plush.  

We didn't spend any time in any of the inside public areas there, at all, so can't comment.

The Grotto, their pool area, is Super!  

We were there with family, and my DSIL got us the teachers' discount they offer, so the price was good.

Really, I don't even remember the color scheme.....

[The Troll 67]

I am still reading even if everyone else is at the Fort or SM.

Never been in Swan and Dolphin......i guess thats a good thing.

Looking forward to the looping.

 

SM? Space Mountain?

 

I'm still reading too! I feel for you with the mauve. We bought a house that was built in 1985. The master bedroom and several rooms were mauve. The original plan was to paint the downstairs first, but after the nightmares that sleeping in a mauve room caused, we painted the master the next day. Mauve is painful. 

 

Remember when people were putting down mauve carpeting in their houses? Ugh.

 

A+ trip report. Love your Troll Rants. Things I would like to say but don't have the wit to carry off.

 

Thanks so much for the kind words, Judy! I'm glad to see you're still reading my reports!

 

Consider the source before you decide not to visit.

The Swan and Dolphin are very impressive resorts and should be toured.

 

Spoken by the guy who has a zebra-striped naugahyde sofa on top of mauve carpet in his house...or wherever Lou lives!

 

I am picturing the inside of the Golden Girls house now.  Or pretty much anything built in Florida in the late 80's. 

 

Picture the restorts the Golden Girls visited in the 80s.

 

The S&D have as high a rating as any of the Disney owned resorts.

I actually worked at the Dolphin front desk for awhile and have worked many, many, conventions there as well.  

I have had nothing but positive experiences there, including the ambience.

 

Ratings are a subjective thing. Depends on who's doing the rating. Troll Rating = zero out of four stars. Trust your friendly Fort Troll -- he wouldn't steer you wrong!

 

But don't take my word for it. Behold!

 

http://youtu.be/NUupFoqxLGI?t=2m56s

 

Behold the shiny orange tile! Behold the green-striped wallpaper! Behold the tacky, garish light fixtures! Behold the mauve, plasticky sofa and chairs! Behold the green and mauve carpet! Behold! Behold! Behold!

 

Yes it is and so is Shula's Steakhouse which is considered to be one of the top 5 steakhouses in the Orlando area.

 

"Top 5 Steakhouses" means they bring you a steak on a plate for $50. Not joking. Not exaggerating. Don't believe me? Behold:

 

 

 

What's that? You would like a baked potato, too? That'll be an extra $8.

 

Personally, I hate these places. Gimmicky carnie ripoff. Want a great steak? Come by my site and I'll grill you one for half the price.

So I put it back on my list but included colored sunglasses to negate the mauve color overload.

 

Or a blindfold.

 

We stayed at the Dolphin in 2004 and enjoyed it.  

My DH got one of their refillable mugs- I don't think it's a good graphic, but he likes it.  (Sorry I don't have a picture.)  

The Heavenly Beds they have are definitely better than any beds at the other resorts, very plush.  

We didn't spend any time in any of the inside public areas there, at all, so can't comment.

The Grotto, their pool area, is Super!  

We were there with family, and my DSIL got us the teachers' discount they offer, so the price was good.

Really, I don't even remember the color scheme.....

 

How long ago did you visit?