The Trolls Invade the Fort

[LONE-STAR 370]

Im reading

[Sunset Lady 6]

I'm in!  Happy Anniversary, what a great way to celebrate!

[DaveInTN 3,247]

I have a feeling I am going to be in need of a Troll rant later today.  Please don't disappoint. 

[The Troll 67]

OK, thanks to everyone who's chimed in so far. Let's get this trip report started!

 

First, some Troll Gloating. As you sit there in your office or at your kitchen table reading this, concerned about expense reports you need to file or laundry that needs to be done, it's 72 degrees right now as I sit under my awning in the 900 loop at the Fort. There's a gentle, cool breeze, and the birds are chirping.

 

Ahhhh...

 

Anyway, so yes, we're in the 900 loop. More details on that in just a bit, but for now, allow me to announce that the 900 loop is now the Trolls' favorite loop and our site -- 916 -- is now our favorite site. This place is awesome. I'll tell you exactly why in just a bit.

 

First, I have a setup calamity to recount. Let's call it Troll vs. water hose. Or, more specifically, Troll vs. water hose nozzle. Yes, you read that right: Nozzle. This thing:

 

 

This thing owned me. It destroyed me. It caused me terrible, agonizing pain. It caused me so much pain, if fact, I am now beginning to believe they should be required to be registered as deadly weapons. How? Well let me begin at the beginning.

 

Mrs. Troll and I have a routine to our setup. We get our travel trailer backed in to the site and unhitched. Once that's done, Mrs. Troll heads out to Walmart or Winn Dixie to buy all the supplies we'll need for the trip. Meanwhile, I've developed this habit -- maybe it's an obsession -- where I must wash the camper before setting up camp. I just can't stand to see all those bugs splattered on the front of our camper for the entire vacation. It irks me. So before I do anything else, I want those bugs washed off.

 

So I've figured out that if I wash the camper first thing when we get to a campground, the camper and the pad dry off while I complete the rest of the setup. So I set out to proceed with that routine.

 

Enter Demon Hose.

 

In order to wash the camper, I needed a hose. So I dug out my hose from the storage area and attached it to the spigot. Everything's fine so far, right? Well, but then something bad happened. When I turned the water on, there was no seal between the nozzle and the spigot, so there was this steady drip, drip, drip, drip from the connection. Now, any veteran camper will tell you, that little drip, drip, drip, drip may not look so bad at first, but if you ignore it, soon enough you'll have a flooded site.

 

So I attempted the logical next thing: Tighten the nozzle more.

 

Still drip, drip, drip, drip.

 

So then I realized that maybe the rubber washer was bad in the nozzle, so I decided to unscrew the nozzle to check. And that's when everything went south.

 

Go back up three lines to where I wrote the words, "Tighten the nozzle more."

 

Yeah, that.

 

The nozzle wasn't coming undone. Every man above the age of 22 has encountered this terrible fate at some point in his life -- the hose nozzle that's on too tight. Today was one such day for me.

 

That confounded thing would not come off.

 

Every man above the age of 22 has also experienced this: When faced with the Demon Nozzle that Won't Come Lose, he tells himself after several failed attempts to loosen it, "OK, I'm going to close my eyes and focus all my strength, all my chi, on my grip strength. If I really, really direct all my strength to my hands, that nozzle will come lose."

 

Ha ha, fail.

 

Nozzle 1, Troll 0.

 

I did not have enough chi to defeat that cheap piece of metal forged in the fiery depths of that mythical land known as China.

 

Also, my cheap set of pliers from that mythical land known as China were not wide enough to fit around the nozzle, so they were no help.

 

So I walked up to the Meadow(s) Trading Post and called the front desk to ask for help...which, by the way, is most humiliating to every man (who likes girls) alive. But there comes a time when you must admit defeat in shame and realize that the flesh on your hands will not defeat the ridges on steel.

 

Sure enough, the front desk assured me they would dispatch a maintenance worker to help me. So I went back to the site to wait. Fifteen minutes later, Julio arrived in a maintenance truck and had the hose unscrewed in seconds. I thanked Julio, waved goodbye, and was ready to get back to setting up. Ah, what a relief. So I looked into the nozzle to see what was causing the water to leak. Sure enough, it was a problem with the rubber gasket -- it had fallen out somehow. So I searched the camper's storage area and luckily found it. I jammed it back in and was now content that my hose was fixed.

 

So you know what I did next?

 

Yes, you guessed it -- I reattached the Demon Hose back to the spigot.

 

And then you know what I did?

 

I turned the water on.

 

And you know what I got?

 

Drip, drip, drip, drip.

 

And then you know what I did?

 

I tried to unscrew it.

 

And you know what happened?

 

It was on too tight.

 

And Julio was long gone.

 

And there was no way I was going to humiliate myself again by calling him back and then having to explain to him how and why I did the same stupid thing twice.

 

So instead I went walking from campsite to campsite until I found someone with a set of pliers that would loosen that blasted nozzle.

 

So know I was really angry at that hose. I mean, angry. I had another hose in the storage area -- you know, the hose I should have chosen first all along -- so I pulled that one out and decided to coil the Demon Hose back up. But I was angry at it, you see, so I coiled it back up around my arm angrily and fast...you know, so that inanimate object would know how angry I was at it.

 

Well, sure enough, that evil nozzle got the last laugh. As I was swinging that hose around my arm to coil it up, somehow I swung the end of the hose and smashed the nozzle just perfectly into the pointy side of my knee. This:

 

 

Holy mother of God.

 

Forget water boarding. You want terrorists to talk? Just go to Walmart and buy a cheap hose.

 

Searing, fiery agony lanced up from that bony spot on my knee up my spine and into my brain. I was nearly reduced to tears as I hopped around pitifully on one leg.

 

Oh, how awful that was.

 

So if you're new to Troll Trip Reports, you might right now be thinking, "What is this? This isn't a trip report. Where are all the pictures of the guy's 4-year-old children sliding down slides, swimming in the pool, and riding Dumbo?"

 

You don't get that here. If that's what you want in a trip report, you probably shouldn't read trip reports written by trolls. Instead you get to read about things I don't like and things that make me angry. Like hoses.

 

And you get Troll Rants^TM. What's a Troll Rant, you ask? This is a Troll Rant:

 

[TROLL RANT ON]

What is the point of this sign?

 

Admittedly, it's been almost 30 years since I took my Florida driver's test, but I do believe way back then, the sign with a P on it with a red circle with a line going through it means, "No parking."

 

I do believe that includes golf carts.

 

Evidently some people at the Fort tend to believe that golf carts are immune to the ill effects of signs.

 

Wait a minute, what do I mean, "some"? I mean, "many." Many, many people believe their golf carts are like super hero vehicles that have the super hero power of sign immunity.

 

We'll be exploring this golf cart sign immunity theme much more in this trip report, so stay tuned.

 

[/TROLL RANT OFF]

 

So that, fair newcomer, is a Troll Rant. I'm allowed to write anything I want in between the TROLL RANT tags and you're not allowed to get mad at me.

 

 

Anyway, after the water hose nozzle fiasco, I finished setting up, Mrs. Troll arrived at home base, and I needed some rocking chair therapy to relieve my nozzle stress. So Mrs. Troll fixed us up some nice adult beverages, and to the Porch of Delight we went:

 

 

 

 

 

That's my Big Bubba cup up above. It's filled with Bloody Mary. I've discovered that if you're fitness-minded, Bloody Mary is the ideal adult beverage for you. It allows you to get bit quick for only about 130 calories! And it has tons of vitamins A and C.

 

Good for you!

 

Here I am trying to be creative with my camera:

 

 

That's not my silhouette; it's some old guy.

 

Oh, and hey, check it out! It's the "Rock of Love" guy:

 

 

I'm so going to hell.

 

Oh, and I just got a call from the moderator of this board. Evidently there have been many complaints that there aren't enough (any) pictures of four-year-olds going down slides. So here:

 

 

 

 

Happy?

 

To all you soccer moms saying right now, "Awwwwwww...precious!" know that these are not my kids. They're strangers' kids. I just took these pictures to meet my kid-picture-in-a-Disney-message-board-thread-quota.

 

I have met my quota with the above shots so I hereby decree that there will be no more kid pictures in this report. Hurray!

 

Coming up next...I explain why we like the 900 loop so much and Mrs. Troll sends me on a mission to buy ice.

[mouseketab.....Carol 1,261]

Oh my gosh that was hilarious!! LOVE the hose story!!!

 

Also love the recovery of relaxing on the porch :)

[DaveInTN 3,247]

 

 

 

 

That is one of the happiest photo-bombers I've ever seen. 

[CCIntrigue...aka Gwen 547]

Don't remember laughing so much at a TR before! 

[michele j 9]

Excellent tr so far. 

 

Last time you the green slime got you and this time a nozzle. Too funny

 

I'm going to complain to the moderators of this board that there is NO dog pictures yet :)

 

Looking forward to more.

[CCIntrigue...aka Gwen 547]

Oh yes, Michele J reminded me.  The green slime TR was hilarious too!

[momof3kids-Yvonne 596]

Excellent tr so far.

Last time you the green slime got you and this time a nozzle. Too funny

I'm going to complain to the moderators of this board that there is NO dog pictures yet :)

Looking forward to more.

If Lou read Trip Reports, I am certain he would chime in with which Fort Fiend code was being violated due to lack of above mentioned dog pictures.

[ajcjmom 8]

I'm in!

[Grumpy and Grandma 740]

No better way to spend the Happy Day than at the FORT.

[AC in A2......Aaron 693]

First, you could have found Julio down by the schoolyard if you needed his help a second time.

 

I am not sure why he is always down by the schoolyard though; one has to wonder.

 

Second, porch time is awesome.

 

Third, I am sitting at home, watching the clouds roll in for the chance of even more rain......so I am definitely jealous.

 

Lastly, I will feel better if we get more rants soon.

[dblr....Rennie 224]

What a great start!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and thanks for the green slime reminder that was good also.

[alexwyattmommy 181]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a dog in this photo.

[Katman1356...Jason 1,140]

First, you could have found Julio down by the schoolyard if you needed his help a second time.

 

I am not sure why he is always down by the schoolyard though; one has to wonder.

 

 

 

I bow down to you Aaron.  :worship:

[BradyBzLyn...Mo 2,023]

An excellent (if painful) start!  I will warn DH of the hazards of cheap hoses as I can absolutely see this same scenario playing out for us.

 

Although instead of going out for supplies, once the swearing (or as my dad says "praying") started, I would be headed for the rocking chairs solo.

 

Thanks for the PSA on bloody marys.

 

Not that I'm particularly a health nut, but I figure with all those vitamins and relatively few calories, I can drink more of them!

[LONE-STAR 370]

Finally someone else sees that golf carts are superheroes and need special treatment. I totally agree with you Troll. :)

[The Troll 67]

Oh my gosh that was hilarious!! LOVE the hose story!!!

 

Also love the recovery of relaxing on the porch :)

 

It was only hilarious after the fact.

 

That is one of the happiest photo-bombers I've ever seen. 

 

I didn't notice that guy. Interloper!

 

Don't remember laughing so much at a TR before! 

 

Ha ha...thanks...wasn't funny in the moment.

 

Excellent tr so far. 

 

Last time you the green slime got you and this time a nozzle. Too funny

 

I'm going to complain to the moderators of this board that there is NO dog pictures yet :)

 

Looking forward to more.

 

Puppa pictures are on the way!

[The Troll 67]

 

Oh yes, Michele J reminded me.  The green slime TR was hilarious too!

 

Also not funny in the moment!

 

If Lou read Trip Reports, I am certain he would chime in with which Fort Fiend code was being violated due to lack of above mentioned dog pictures.

 

Your wish is my command. Puppa pictures on the way.

 

No better way to spend the Happy Day than at the FORT.

 

Thank you so much. And I agree -- no place better!

 

First, you could have found Julio down by the schoolyard if you needed his help a second time.

 

I am not sure why he is always down by the schoolyard though; one has to wonder.

 

Second, porch time is awesome.

 

Third, I am sitting at home, watching the clouds roll in for the chance of even more rain......so I am definitely jealous.

 

Lastly, I will feel better if we get more rants soon.

 

It's raining here at the Fort now. I think I jinxed myself.

 

What a great start!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and thanks for the green slime reminder that was good also.

 

My dog fell in the green slime last trip, too. She was chasing squirrels and the squirrels outsmarted her.

 

There is a dog in this photo.

 

That dog is wearing a service dog vest. We're seeing more and more service dog vests in service nowadays.

 

An excellent (if painful) start!  I will warn DH of the hazards of cheap hoses as I can absolutely see this same scenario playing out for us.

 

Although instead of going out for supplies, once the swearing (or as my dad says "praying") started, I would be headed for the rocking chairs solo.

 

Thanks for the PSA on bloody marys.

 

Not that I'm particularly a health nut, but I figure with all those vitamins and relatively few calories, I can drink more of them!

 

That's the idea!

 

Finally someone else sees that golf carts are superheroes and need special treatment. I totally agree with you Troll.  :)

 

More golf cart rage coming up!

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Near the top of page 3 bragging rights for TCD. 

 

I tried to post earlier, but all kinds of error messages prevented that.

 

Anyway, nice report so far.

 

Looking forward to more.

 

TCD

[The Troll 67]

All right, thanks to everyone for reading along so far. Let's move on!

 

I mentioned in our last installment that Mrs. Troll and I now love the 900 loop. I also mentioned that site 916 is our favorite site. Let me tell -- and show -- you why.

 

First, the 900 loop backs up to the dog walk. Second, it backs up to the group camping area:

 

 

 

Notice that when we arrived, the group camping area was in use. In fact, it was jam-packed with Boy Scouts. I mean, jam-packed.

 

Also, there is a bridge that connects the 900 loop to the group camping area:

 

 

Notice that shoe in the frame? That's my foot. How did it get in the shot? Well, this way:

 

 

Yep, that's my view from my hammock at the back of my site! I can do my troll bridge duty from the relaxing comfort of my hammock!

 

The wildlife and foliage back here are awesome:

 

 

 

And to all the mutt-lovers out there, drumroll please, I present to you this:

 

 

The blonde dog is Zoe. The black dog is Elma. Both are rescue dogs.

 

Elma has an interesting story. There's a no-kill animal shelter near our house. It's run by the wife of a very wealthy car dealer. Since it's a no-kill shelter, however, it's always full. So evidently Elma's original family decided they couldn't afford her or didn't want her anymore, but they didn't want to take her to a kill shelter. So instead they threw her over the fence at the no-kill shelter in the dark of night!

 

Now she lives with us. Their loss, our gain. She's a great dog. We love her so much. She loves going for walks:

 

 

Florida is a beautiful state:

 

 

When I was younger I took all of this for granted. Paid no attention to it. Funny how as you get older little things matter more.

 

Anyway, the Fort management pays lots of attention to the 700, 800, and 900 loops. They take care to plant stuff in between sites to restore the wilderness, unlike the miserable 1700 loop. More on that later.

 

There was talk here on the board that in the late 90s, early 2000s, the Fort was being swallowed up by potato vines. So the Fort management decided to cut it back. And that's why the Fort is still so barren. The foliage seems to be taking root and making a comeback, but some parts are really, really bad. Now, I understand a lot of people consider potato vines a weed, but you know, I see that stuff all over Florida, all over the panhandle, all over Alabama...do the trees die there? Everything seems OK...just covered in potato vines, which are pretty to me.

 

Oh well. The new planting just needs more time, I guess.

 

Anyway, there's one story I forgot to tell. I mentioned in my last installment that Mrs. Troll and I hit the magical Porch of Tranquility and Happiness after I smashed my knee with a hose nozzle. What I forgot to tell was the fact that we needed ice for our cooler and my Bloody Mary.

 

One thing about Mrs. Troll -- she is the iciest woman alive. I don't mean emotionally or spiritually, I mean literally. The woman loves ice. And coolers. It seems like every fifteen minutes I'm hearing, "We need ice!"

 

So she sent me on a quest to obtain ice before we went to the porch on our first day. I hopped into our Kenny cart and obliged.

 

There are two places to get ice at the Fort -- the comfort stations and the trading posts. I elected to get a bag of ice at the comfort station. This requires many steps.

 

First, you need $2 in quarters, which I didn't have. So you have to go into the laundry room:

 

 

To get in, you need your "room" key. They have a new room key system that requires that you simply wave your card in front of this reader:

 

 

Once inside, if you decide you're thirsty, you can buy a Coke for a very reasonable price:

 

 

Time for a Troll Rant!

 

[TROLL RANT ON]

There's a fundamental concept in neoclassical economic theory called elasticity. Elasticity is the reality that as a vendor raises his prices on something, the more demand goes down. Some things like gas and prescription drugs are very inelastic. That is, you can raise the price and demand doesn't go down much. After all, if you need insulin to stay alive, you'll pay pretty much any price to get it. Other things, like Coca-Cola, are very elastic. The more you increase the price, the less people want it.

 

So let's put this into plain English for the nitwits who run the Fort: If you lower the price on Cokes, you'll probably sell more Cokes, nimrods. And you'll make more profit in volume.

 

But, hey, I'm just a government worker. What do I know?

[/TROLL RANT OFF]

 

Anyway, back to the tutorial on buying ice.

 

After you are floored and disgusted by the ridiculous price for a bottle of Sprite, you need to get quarters:

 

 

I was pleasantly surprised that there wasn't a surcharge to use the change machine. I actually got four quarters for my paper dollar!

 

Next, you need to grab a bag off the wall:

 

 

Now I wonder how many zillions of bags of ice have been wasted by kids sent to purchase a bag of ice who failed to realize you need to grab a bag before inserting the quarters into the machine? There's another revenue generator for Mr. Disney.

 

Child: "Mom, I need another $2."

 

Mom: "Why? Where's the ice?"

 

Child: "All over the ground."

 

Mom: "What?! Did you drop it?"

 

Child: "No. I forgot to put the bag under the ice nozzle before I put the quarters in."

 

Mom: "You moron!" *Smacks child*

 

I did not make this mistake. However, I may have when I was 10 years old.

 

Instead I had my bag in position around the ice nozzle as I was inserting the quarters:

 

 

This is kind of awkward. You have to insert the quarters with one hand and hold the bag in ready position with the other. You need to be ready! That ice comes out fast and it's heavy! If you're not ready, the ice will start flowing out, the bag will get suddenly heavy, and it'll slip out of your hand. Then you'll have an angry Mom or Mrs. Troll.

 

Now you can see the product of my expert handiwork:

 

 

Ta da!

 

Coming up next, some looping.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

What?

 

You got a full bag of ice from the 900 loop comfort station ice machine?

 

I haven't used that ice machine in five years.

 

The last time I used it, it dispensed less than half a bag.

 

If I were a Troll, that ice machine certainly would be the basis for a rant.

 

So, even when I have stayed on the 900 loop, which has been quite a few times over the years, I've taken my ice purchasing business elsewhere.

 

There's an ice machine at the Fort which consistently dispenses a bag and a half of ice for two bucks.  I cannot disclose where it is for obvious reasons. Further, one must be very dexterous to catch the ice, so even if I did tell you, you probably couldn't handle it, since the one bag seems to have been difficult for you.

 

TCD

[alexwyattmommy 181]

Love the troll bridge duty photo.

 

Pretty dogs.  Love that they are rescues.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

 

 

 

 

In my opinion, these signs officially sanction the use of clotheslines at the Fort.  That, along with the fact that they SELL clotheslines at the TP's, make it okey dokie in my book.