The Trolls Run from Isaac!

[The Troll 67]

Ok Troll...I'm home from my long weekend of camping and have caught up.

I would have loved to have shoved that demon kid down the slide head first. Or tossed him off the platform to the concrete below. What? Too violent? Hey, I've seen the Omen. What he did to that priest was horrible. Throw him overboard, or he will throw you.

Something really had to be done about that child.

See, here's the thing. A lot of folks mentioned that they would have said something to the child, but let's do the hypothetical. Suppose you said, "Hey! Stop that, right now!" but the child just sneered at you and said, "Shut up!"?

Then what? If he's your own child, you tear his butt up. But someone else's child...what then?

Great trip report. I had to read all the way to this point so I could comment on your post about doing cannon balls off the rocks at the old River Country.

I also remember doing this as a kid. I also seem to remember that the was a zip line that was probably more dangerous than jumping off the rocks. I wondered if you remembered that too?

Oh, yes, I remember the zip line. It was awesome. We'd ride it all the way to the end until it hit the stopper and the vibration would vibrate your hands off the handle!

Was the zip line there in 2000?

Great photos of the group camping area, Norm.

Those leashes are really cool- I can't see them at all. Gotta love technology.

As far as when Creekside Meadow was built, I know it was not at the Fort when it opened.

I think it was added when they added the 2000 and 2100 loops, some time in the late '70's.

TCD

That sounds about right to me. I've studied old maps of the Fort from the 70s, and the very early ones I've seen didn't have the group camping area on them. They also didn't have Pioneer Hall on them, either! I started going to the Fort early, but not that early. I wish I could have seen the place prior to the construction of the Settlement.

But even though the group camping area isn't "original," it does have a certain "70s" feel to it.

I love your description of the scene at the slide! I caught myself laughing out loud at my desk. Thankfully no one noticed anything odd about that, though. I would like to think I would have said something to the kid, but I'm afraid, like you, I would have frozen up and gotten out of there also. However, the older I get, the less I care what other people think about what I say. I love people who have no problem speaking up.

Yeah...I guess a lot of it for me is what I said earlier -- what if you yell at the kid to stop and he just tells you to shut up? Then what?

OK, an all-new installment is coming up!

[The Troll 67]

So...after some pool hopping and looping, it was time to head back to camp to eat and shower. Once we were cleaned up and in dry clothes, we decided to hop over to Epcot. That's the subject of this installment -- our trip to Epcot and my Troll commentary about Epcot.

And, warning, this will not be a Troll Tribute. Don't get me wrong -- I love Epcot, but there are a few things I think need tweaking.

And you get to hear about it. All for the price of admission.

If you're staying at the Fort, you have three ways to get to Epcot 1) Drive your own vehicle 2) take a boat to the Contemporary and then ride the monorail to the Ticket & Transportation Center and then transfer over to the Epcot Monorail or 3) Take a bus directly from the Fort to Epcot.

We chose Option 3.

So we rode our Kenny cart up to the bus stop, parked, and took a seat on a bench. While there, we noticed this guy:

Now I've casually commented on the phenomenon of guys who wear t-shirts with the sleeves cut off. But this guy takes it to a new level: No shirt at all.

I realize that it's a really crappy picture. I was trying to be stealthy taking it. The light was bad and my camera refused to cooperate. But the result is good enough evidence for me to comment.

So how did this happen? I mean, when the guy stepped out of his camper, did his friend say, "Dude, aren't you forgetting something?" and then the guy said, "Oh yeah! My hat!"

So he remembered his Indiana Jones hat but forgot his shirt? Weird.

See? That's why I like bushes in between my site and my neighbors'. With my luck, No Shirt Guy would be camped next to me and constantly coming over to pay a visit...in all his jiggly bare-chested glory.

There's a related phenomenon I'll share with you: NOGs. What's a NOG, you ask?

NOG stands for Naked Old Guy.

NOGs like to hang out in gym locker rooms -- in all their NOG-tastic, birthday suit splendor. Only their birthday suit is really worn out. They like to come over when you're minding your own business, changing clothes. They lean up against the lockers and say, "So...I see you're here to work out..."

*Shudder*

To all the NOGs everywhere, do us all a favor: See that towel in your hand? It's supposed to be wrapped around your middle.

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah -- Epcot.

Eventually our bus arrived. We hopped aboard and were quickly whisked to Epcot.

Here's the line waiting to get in:

Before we entered, though, I remembered that tonight was a blue moon. I found it remarkably coincidental that American hero Neil Armstrong -- the first man to set foot on the moon -- had passed away just days earlier.

So here's a shot of Neil Armstrong's Blue Moon Over Epcot:

Can you imagine being Neil Armstrong?

NASA guy: "Hey, Neil! There you are. I've been looking for you. Good news: We're going to send you to the moon! We've never done it before, but we think we've got it figured out! We cut a few corners here and there to speed the process along so we can beat the Russians to it, but that shouldn't be any problem!"

Armstrong: "Umm...what?"

And he agreed! Definitely an American hero.

So we made it through the entrance and I snapped this shot:

Definitely need to carry a tripod.

Once through the gate, Mrs. Troll and I decided we wanted some coffee. So we found this guy:

Oh, by the way -- Test Track was closed.

Bet you didn't know that.

What's that? You did know that? Oh.

We didn't.

Not that we really missed anything. I mean, I don't want to call it a fraud or anything, but can't you have the same experience as Test Track by opening the sunroof and rolling down the windows on I-4?

It's a car, for crying out loud. A car. Going in a circle. At a lame 50 miles per hour.

Anyway, this coffee bar is in the area in between Ellen's Dated Energy Adventure and Pay to Ride a Car in a Circle.

Hmm...

So we decided to head over to the other side of Innoventions or Communicore or whatever it's called now. I had no interest in seeing Bill Nye ramble on about solar panels for the zillionth time...oh, and by the way, linking dinosaurs to an energy ride is a stretch. Just an excuse to stuff some cool dinos into what would be an entirely uninteresting experience.

I'm pretty sure our coal, natural gas, and oil came from ancient plants, not dinos.

Could be wrong...

Anyway, on our way over, I wanted to run to the bathroom quickly. So I ducked into one of the Innoventions buildings. I got to see Goofy on the way:

And these massive light fixtures are, I believe, 1982 originals:

When I came out I saw a sign for Captain Eo!

Captain Eo!

Captain Eo!

I remembered having seen Captain Eo once in the 80s when it was in its original release. But I only remembered seeing it once. I wondered why. So I grabbed Mrs. Troll by the hand and pulled her along to witness Captain Eo.

Ugh.

Captain Eo.

Barf.

What a stupid movie.

What a complete pile of George Lucas dog poop.

If you've not seen this thing, do yourself a favor and stay that way. It's awful, folks. Awful. With a capital A. The only reason why they pulled this turd out of the vault is because Michael Jackson passed away and Disney wanted to cash in on everyone's sudden renewed love for him.

Mrs. Troll was disturbed by that movie. I quickly remembered why I had only seen it once in my lifetime. Now I've seen it twice, meaning I've burned up neurons in my brain to store worthless, horrid memories of it.

When we left the theater, Mrs. Troll stopped and looked at me sharply. "OK," she said, "why is it you wanted to see that?"

Fail.

OK, not to be deterred, we decided to run over to Soarin'. After all, the crowds weren't very thick, so surely there'd be a good shot at getting on.

Ha. Fail:

It wasn't going well for us.

I took a picture of the reverse fountain:

So then, what's left in Future World? Let's see. There's the Nemo ride, which is for, um, babies, Spaceship Earth, which is decent but dated, and Mission Space, which I despise.

Mission Space: A mission in Disney ride design disaster.

Imagineer 1: "I've got a great idea!"

Imagineer 2: "What's that? Build a roller coaster or a log flume, rides people LOVE?"

Imagineer 1: "No, no, no. Let's build a centrifuge ride that spins people really fast and smashes them into their seats and gives them severe motion sickness!"

Imagineer 2: "You mean like the old Gravitron carnival ride?"

Imagineer 1: "Yeah, sorta like that. Just faster and more headache-inducing."

Imagineer 2: "Ah, gotcha. But won't that be boring?"

Imagineer 1: "Nah. We'll show them a cheap computer-generated video while they're getting crushed."

Imagineer 2: "Hmm...could work. Let's do it!"

Pilot, fire the thrusters!

Who decided to put that part in, by the way? Imagineer 3?

Imagineer 3: "If we're going to make a violent centrifuge ride that makes people forcefully ill and ruins their experience of the park, we need to make it interactive! We'll put some buttons to press at various times that have absolutely zero consequence on the ride experience!"

Did I mention I'm not crazy about Mission Space?

I hate to say it, but I think Future World needs a total overhaul.

I still love the World Showcase, though. Food and beer. What's not to like about that? It's just like being in Europe, only better. How's it better, you ask?

No Europeans!

Ha ha! Joke. Joke. Please, don't report me.

But Mrs. Troll and I had already eaten dinner, and we were frustrated that the fun rides we like at Epcot weren't available, so we decided to call it a day. This was easily my shortest visit to Epcot EVER! So here we are, waiting on the bus again:

Now you might think I snapped this shot because I liked the view of Spaceship Earth. Wrong. I snapped it to illustrate how far the bus stop to the Fort is from the actual park. Again, the Lodge people were over here with us, so I'm surprised Disney relegates those mucky-mucks to such a lowly station in the bus distribution.

Here are some of those mucky-mucks now:

Notice dude in the tie-dye shirt. Mmm. And that's not the "yummy" mmm, either -- that's the mmm of disapproval.

What a dork.

Oh how I hope that guy's not a Fiend.

He's not, right?

Apologies to you, tie-dye dork, if you are a Fiend and are reading this. It's just that I disapprove of tie-dye.

If you look just to the right of tie-dye dork, you'll notice a lady in khaki pants...only she's rolled the legs of the pants up, turning her pants into khaki shorts. So, tip to all you Yankee northerners who are planning to visit Disney for your first time -- do not underestimate this thing we call "humidity." It will destroy you. Do not try to look stylish by wearing khaki pants. You will die.

So our bus arrived, and we piled in. Standing room only. Notice tie-dye dork is once again offending your eyes with those screaming loud colors:

And, well, that's it. That was our nighttime trip to Epcot. In a word, it sucked.

I guess that's two words.

Future World definitely needs an upgrade. They need more engaging attractions, too. There used to be all kinds of fun, cool things -- like "The Bird and the Robot." And there was this one act where two guys came out. One guy was dressed up as a scientist and another guy acted like he was a robot. The scientist was the straight man, trying to demonstrate his human-like robot. The robot would then go crazy and sexually harrass the women in the audience.

Serious fun!

Anyone remember that act?

They need to get more of that stuff back to Epcot.

[PlaneCrazy 0]

The last time I remember the zip line was 1979. I don't know how long it lasted, but it was awesome.

I also remember that there were places in the big pool that would occasionally have air bubbles rise to the surface. I guess it was supposed to be like a spring or something. Anyways, If you timed it correctly you could jump into the middle of the bubbles.

[PlaneCrazy 0]

On our 2000 visit we opted for Blizzard beach instead, and before we knew it the doggone place was closed.

A new and improved River Country would be awesome...way better than yet another hotel.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Wow, that visit to Epcot was an epic fail!

I have never heard of the scientist and robot act. Sounds like it was very entertaining.

The River Country zip line was still there right up to the bitter end. I got to take all my kids to RC in the late 90's, and remember my oldest daughter on the zip line and boom swing.

TCD

[Gots2pitt.. Jeff 64]

I may have to break out my tye-dyes from our last trip just for Troll. :)

Less than 2000 views to go to 10,000. Doing good (well with the TR, EPCOT not so much).

[The Troll 67]

On our 2000 visit we opted for Blizzard beach instead, and before we knew it the doggone place was closed.

A new and improved River Country would be awesome...way better than yet another hotel.

How I so agree! It would be so awesome to have a fun, quaint water park at the Fort.

Wow, that visit to Epcot was an epic fail!

I have never heard of the scientist and robot act. Sounds like it was very entertaining.

The River Country zip line was still there right up to the bitter end. I got to take all my kids to RC in the late 90's, and remember my oldest daughter on the zip line and boom swing.

TCD

Yes, the Epcot visit was complete, utter fail. I considered not including it in the report, but I had some good material for rants, so what the heck.

Yeah, the scientist/robot act was classic. It went like this -- the scientist announced loudly (no microphone) to the people milling about the Communicore, "Hey, everyone! Come see my new robot!" The robot was, of course, just a mime. The scientist would "control" the robot with a big remote control box, complete with a telescoping antenna. At one point in the act, the scientist picks a child to have a turn at "controlling" the robot, and that's when the robot goes crazy -- stealing women's purses, leering at them, etc. It was a very clever yet simple show.

Didn't you ride the zip line, too?

I may have to break out my tye-dyes from our last trip just for Troll. :)

Less than 2000 views to go to 10,000. Doing good (well with the TR, EPCOT not so much).

Please, no tie dye! Please!

And we're getting close to 10K! Good thing, too...I'm running out of material!

[The Troll 67]

Well, the holiday weekend had arrived...

...and so had the crowd.

And when I say crowd, I mean crowd as in can't get from point A to point B in any of the parks. Mrs. Troll and I both heartily agreed that we'd stay as far away from the parks as possible over the weekend. Labor Day, if you don't realize it, is very, very busy at WDW.

So we lounged at the Fort.

We did some looping.

I forget what loop this was in, but notice the brand new fence:

And it's nice to see there are still plenty of Musket Mickeys around the Fort, even if they're on private campers and not actually "authorized" by Disney:

We spotted a cool bird:

We saw many predatory birds on this trip.

And here's a guy with taste:

The Trolls are also Dolphin fans.

And then we saw this:

What is it, you ask? It's an Indian Weather Rock! It tells the weather. How? Let's zoom in on the instructions:

Whoever made this, I hope you're a Fiend. And I hope you're reading this, because Mrs. Troll and I want to give you kudos! This display was hilarious.

Here's a cool sign:

The Fort is a small world, isn't it? Although I still like my sign better:

Now here's something very cool:

It screams sleek, modern, aerodynamic. Cool isn't it?

How ironic that not far away from this site was this:

Talk about two extremes! And yet both campers are equally as cool! Amazing how things change over the course of time.

Here's a shot I like:

Now check this out:

Is that cool or what?

Here's a closeup:

So these folks are advertising their golf cart enclosure business. Their website is www.weatherornotgolf.com. No, I am not receiving a kickback for advertising for them here in my TR. I don't even know these folks. But I think their enclosure system is cool...literally. Notice all the brochures have been taken. Looks like they might have a few new customers.

Another kindred soul:

We had lunch at Trail's End, which was a strange experience. The food was excellent, but the service was, well, weird. So weird, in fact, it's time for a Troll Rant!

[TROLL RANT ON]

What is it with these young kids working as waiters and waitresses who treat the adult customers like they're children? Have you had this experience? Let me see if I can put it into words.

The server has an attitude that they're doing YOU a favor by waiting on them and then talk to you in a sort of condescending tone. Our waitress at Trail's End, for example, was a prime offender of this. She was like, "Well, hey, guys! Good job coming in to eat with us today! I'm soooooooo happy you're here! Now here's our menu. You guys go ahead and pick what you would like to eat from the menu."

Then when you make up your mind and ask for a hamburger, she's like, "Super! Super! Good job! Such a really, really good choice! I will be so happy to bring that for you."

Then when she brings Mrs. Troll her lunch -- mind you, Mrs. Troll is older than said cheesy Romper Room waitress -- she says, "Here you go, sweetie!"

Sweetie? Sweetie?! Try "ma'am."

Seriously did the parents of today's college-aged kids forget to, you know, parent? Did they not explain stations in life? Like, when you're waiting tables, you're subordinate to your customers?

Sheesh.

[/TROLL RANT OFF]

Anyway, so our waitress at Trail's End was creepy...it was weird and awkward and uncomfortable and annoying.

Anyway, here's a picture of Mrs. Troll waiting for Romper Room waitress to bring our lunch:

Now I hate to announce this, but we're getting very close to the end of this TR. The next installment, sadly, will be our last.

Coming up, another bad dining experience and we pack up to head for home.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

Did you get the chicken and waffles?

[anolefan 8]

Troll, I just spent the weekend reading this report from start to its current update and I have too many comments to post. I will just say that this report is outstanding, in both photos and narrative.

I appreciate the thought and time you put into all of your reports and this one definitely does not disappoint!

Now that I'm caught up I can't wait for the last update.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Gots2pitt.. Jeff 64]

Can't be the end yet, you haven't reached 10,000 views. You are going to have to go back through the Troll notes and find somethign you missed.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Yeah, the scientist/robot act was classic. It went like this -- the scientist announced loudly (no microphone) to the people milling about the Communicore, "Hey, everyone! Come see my new robot!" The robot was, of course, just a mime. The scientist would "control" the robot with a big remote control box, complete with a telescoping antenna. At one point in the act, the scientist picks a child to have a turn at "controlling" the robot, and that's when the robot goes crazy -- stealing women's purses, leering at them, etc. It was a very clever yet simple show.

Wow. Doesn't sound very Disney-like. I never heard a thing about this act. Too bad. Sounds like something I would like.

Didn't you ride the zip line, too?

Yes, I did ride the zip line. And boom swing. And everything else in River Country. Well, except I never went on the nature trail. I figured it was the same as the Wilderness Swamp Trail, so we never bothered. I now hear that they had animals in cages on display along the trail. I never got to see those.

I forget what loop this was in, but notice the brand new fence:

Good job on that photo, Norm. I am pretty sure that is the 2000 loop. I can't think of another CS that has a big driveway like that. I have been back to the Fort since you took this photo, and I have to admit I did not notice the new fence here. They have been on a bit of a fence putting up tear at the Fort lately. Must have gotten a good deal on fence posts.

I have seen this cart at the Fort a couple of times, including my most recent visit. I wonder who owns it, and how it is that it is at the Fort so much?

TCD

[Southern Blessings 4]

I'm sad that it's almost over! I don't get too excited over much of Future World myself.

[Gots2pitt.. Jeff 64]

Ok, I will take it upon myself to try to get Mr. Troll out from under his rock and back to finishing his TR. :)

Caution Hijack ahead:

Poll: Will Mr. Troll give us a Trick or Treat?

I vote Trick.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Ok, I will take it upon myself to try to get Mr. Troll out from under his rock and back to finishing his TR. :)

Caution Hijack ahead:

Poll: Will Mr. Troll give us a Trick or Treat?

I vote Trick.

I vote Trick too.

TCD

[stefa70 205]

So much bitching and moaning, where do I begin?

Bratty kids should have their parents hog tied and flogged, for being crappy parents.

Agree with Epcot. We usually go for the sole purpose of eating or drinking in the world showcase.

Also agree that the Fort bus stop seems like miles away when you've been walking around Epcot.

Not sure that I have the same aversion to tie-dyes, though it is an outdated trend. I have seen much worse things on the people of WDW.

As far as you turning tricks, that's sort of creepy. I wonder where Jeff & Andrew got that info?

Maybe you could start a list of things a Troll DOES like?

I'm thinking it would be a short list, other than Splash Mountain, nuts, Mrs Troll and the pups. ^-^

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

I know that the Troll likes expensive imported beer.

He hates the cheap stuff.

Oh, yeah, and he likes bleach.

Not to drink, though.

That's all I got.

TCD

[The Troll 67]

An update is coming folks, I promise!

[Laura 17]

teaser

[Gots2pitt.. Jeff 64]

An update is coming folks, I promise!

teaser

Maybe he is saving it up for his 100th Fort Fiends post.

[ftwildernessguy 778]

I wonder if that golf cart enclosure is bullet proof? I would like to know this.

[The Troll 67]

Troll, I just spent the weekend reading this report from start to its current update and I have too many comments to post. I will just say that this report is outstanding, in both photos and narrative.

I appreciate the thought and time you put into all of your reports and this one definitely does not disappoint!

Now that I'm caught up I can't wait for the last update.

Thank you! Trip reports (good ones, anyway) take lots of time, thought, time, energy, time, planning, time, work, and time. But they're a lot of fun all the same and definitely worth it. My thanks go out to all the other trip reporters out there who do this, too. Yes, that includes the TLC guy, too.

Can't be the end yet, you haven't reached 10,000 views. You are going to have to go back through the Troll notes and find somethign you missed.

I know! I could really milk my last update -- break one update into four or five -- but that TLC guy would probably call foul.

Good job on that photo, Norm. I am pretty sure that is the 2000 loop. I can't think of another CS that has a big driveway like that. I have been back to the Fort since you took this photo, and I have to admit I did not notice the new fence here. They have been on a bit of a fence putting up tear at the Fort lately. Must have gotten a good deal on fence posts.

TCD

Thanks, TLC.

Ok, I will take it upon myself to try to get Mr. Troll out from under his rock and back to finishing his TR. :)

Caution Hijack ahead:

Poll: Will Mr. Troll give us a Trick or Treat?

I vote Trick.

I'm back! I'm back!

So much bitching and moaning, where do I begin?

Bratty kids should have their parents hog tied and flogged, for being crappy parents.

Agree with Epcot. We usually go for the sole purpose of eating or drinking in the world showcase.

Also agree that the Fort bus stop seems like miles away when you've been walking around Epcot.

Not sure that I have the same aversion to tie-dyes, though it is an outdated trend. I have seen much worse things on the people of WDW.

As far as you turning tricks, that's sort of creepy. I wonder where Jeff & Andrew got that info?

Maybe you could start a list of things a Troll DOES like?

I'm thinking it would be a short list, other than Splash Mountain, nuts, Mrs Troll and the pups. ^-^

It's a very short list, indeed. The Troll has high standards.

I know that the Troll likes expensive imported beer.

He hates the cheap stuff.

Oh, yeah, and he likes bleach.

Not to drink, though.

That's all I got.

TCD

Correct, TLC, I do NOT like cheap beer, unlike certain people I know.

I suppose you could upgrade your cheap beer by buying it at the Trading Post.

Maybe he is saving it up for his 100th Fort Fiends post.

Yes! Post #100 is on its way!

I wonder if that golf cart enclosure is bullet proof? I would like to know this.

Um...you're not on any federal "watch" lists, are you?

[The Troll 67]

Woops, one comment I missed:

Did you get the chicken and waffles?

Nope. No chicken and waffles this time. And no waffle sandwich. Next time. I really like those waffle sandwiches!

[The Troll 67]

OK, so this is it, folks. This is it. The end.

I hate the end of a Fort trip. Think about it -- the very start of a Fort trip is one of the happiest times of life. You snap dozens of pictures of things you already have thousands of pictures of -- the welcome sign, the purple directional signs, the Fort sign, the Fort guard shack, the Reception Outpost...you're just on a natural high. But then when it's time to leave, it's just the opposite. You feel depressed and deflated.

Trip reporting is much the same. The last installment is sad to write.

In the last installment, I told the story of very weird, creepy, poor service we received at Trail's End. In this installment I get to tell you about another such experience -- this time at the Lodge. You know, waiting tables isn't that hard. I mean, it can be hard as far as running back and forth is concerned, but let's face it -- you don't need a PhD to wait tables. So why did I find two poor waitresses in a two-day period?

But before we go there, I have a few random shots from around the Fort that didn't make the narrative, so I figured I'd share:

No words are necessary for the shot above.

If you've been following along closely, you've probably noticed the Trolls' use of those almost-invisible glass leashes. You might be wondering, "Why doesn't that Troll take his dogs to the Waggin' Tails dog park and take the dogs off those glass leashes?" Well, here's why we had to really make use of those ultramodern leashes:

Yep. It was the Waggin' Tails Mud Pit. Yoda would approve. But the Troll did not. And the hose right by the entrance didn't improve matters much.

Now check this out. It seems the practice of carving your initials into a tree was a lot more common 30 or 40 years ago. Not many people seem to do it anymore. But these people did:

Not sure who MK, HF, KF, or SF are, but thanks for immortalizing yourself at the expense of this poor tree. The last thing we need at the Fort is another dead tree.

Not sure why I bothered with this:

And here are some flowers outside of Pioneer Hall:

Wider shot:

What's the point of these trunks?

It's part of some theming, right? Um, but we're in Davy Crockett's land, right? Did Davy have suitcases like this?

Here we have a trashcan collecting literally buckets of condensation dripping off our AC:

Muggy.

OK, so skipping ahead to the next day -- remember, Mrs. Troll and I swore off the parks over the holiday weekend -- we decided on this day to make a trip over to the Lodge and have lunch. We decided to go to Whispering Canyon.

No, we don't have little children.

But that doesn't stop me from going on rides and attractions designed for small children, now does it? Why should that stop me from having lunch at a restaurant where the draw is tricking small children into thinking they're doing something special by carrying a bottle of ketchup to a table full of strangers...you know, doing the wait staff's job.

As we'd soon find out, we would have much rather had one of those small children serving us than the sorry excuse for a waitress we got.

One word: Awful.

Yes, awful.

Oh, I know what you're saying: "Oh, shut up, Troll. Now you're making me mad. How bad could the waitress be? What happened, Troll? Did she forget to drop off straws when she brought you your drinks?"

No.

This was off-the-charts bad.

We were seated by the hostess and informed who our waitress was going to be. Then we waited.

And waited...

...and waited...

...and waited...

Finally, she appeared, walking by our table as she was on her way to check on a family close to us. As she walked by -- without even slowing down -- she said, "I'll be right with you guys."

Then she proceeded to tease and play with the two little kids at the table she was checking on...without bringing anything or taking any requests from the adults eating at said table. Meanwhile, we sat awkwardly at our table while she snapped one of the kids on the butt with a rolled up napkin.

Then she walked past us again without making eye contact.

Um...hello?

Ten minutes later, she emerged and took our drink order. It then took another ten minutes for her to deliver those drinks.

We ordered the Whispering Canyon feast thing with the ribs and the chicken and all that. She took our order and then promptly disappeared into the kitchen...

For, like, ever.

Mrs. Troll was not pleased:

Our food finally arrived, but it was delivered to us by one of the cooks, not by our "waitress."

The "waitress" was now completely MIA.

So we ate our food, but we were annoyed. The deal is, it's supposed to be All You Care to Enjoy. That's why it costs, like, $80 a person for that meal deal. I wanted to get my money's worth, but that ditz was nowhere to be found. Eventually she emerged from the kitchen, laughing hysterically and loudly while standing at the kitchen door, clearly flirting with one of the cooks. So somehow she found her way back to our table and tried to play that Whispering Canyon cutesy game.

The cutesy game is lots of fun when I'm, you know, getting the basic service I'm paying for first. But don't suck at waiting tables and try to cover it up with that "Yee ha! Howdy, folks!" silliness.

Needless to say, we were irritated and chomping at the bit just to get out of there.

Fail, Disney. Please stop hiring waitresses by picking the person who's been in the unemployment line the longest.

After lunch, I snapped a few shots from around the Lodge:

I like this painting. So I stole it.

That wood floor above looks like a bowling lane.

OK, now heading back to the Fort:

This one's kinda cool, I think:

This isn't:

There's the boat!

But we were too late. Bye, boat.

So the rope was up:

This rope makes no sense at all, as there's a waiting area with, you know, a bench on the other side of it:

I bet the brainiacs who run this area wonder why no one ever sits here. Again, good thing Walt isn't coming out of cryogenic storage anytime soon. Otherwise he'd come out and start punching employees in the face.

That would be sort of cool -- zombie Walt.

Zombie Walt would not like this:

And what are these four posts about:

They're not even real wood. They're that fake hollow stuff...like the rocks at River Country.

I bet those smart, young, new-minded managers are wondering why this telescope thing doesn't ever have any quarters in it:

Again, this may have something to do with it:

Here's one of those things you use to tie down a boat:

Nice to see folks in China have jobs. Evidently Americans cost too much to make boat tie down things:

Finally, our boat arrived. Here's our boat captain:

I believe his name was Al. He was awesome. Awesome! Professional, engaging, happy to be there, helpful, enthusiastic. He was the waitress' polar opposite.

Congratulations, Al -- you are the recipient of a Troll Award.

Well, folks, it's been a long, fun-filled journey! From mildew-ridden awnings to terrible hot dogs. From possessed mine trains to grown men texting about Pooh Bear. From B'rer Rabbit being mistaken for Roger Rabbit to invisible dog leashes. From noisy, annoying, and patently stupid NASCAR racetracks to camping sites with their own rain drains. From POV shots to the phenomenon of "duckfacing." From Troll Haircuts to a journey into the Fort canal green muck. From lots of adult beverages to lazy landscaping foremen. From children being abused by mothers at the top of a slide to demon children lacking parenting at all at the top of the same said slide...

It's a Troll Trip Report, folks!

Over 900 photos...

...and even more gripes, criticisms, and complaints.

It looks like I won't quite make it to 10,000 views...but that's OK. Close enough.

So from the Trolls to you, that's all, folks!

Thanks for reading along.

- Norm

[KeepSwimmingDory 2]

Really great job on your report. Thanks for the time & all the photos!