The Trolls Run from Isaac!

[The Troll 67]

It's time for another update, everyone.

This is going to be a very special update. In past updates, you've been treated to lots of curmudgeonly Troll Rants. I this update, however, you get something very rare -- a Troll Tribute.

What's a Troll Tribute, you ask? A Troll Tribute is praise heaped upon something the Troll likes very much.

So what is the subject of this Troll Tribute?

The Troll's favorite attraction at WDW: Splash Mountain.

The Troll LOVES Splash Mountain...and for many, many reasons. So that's the subject of this update -- the many reasons why the Troll loves Splash Mountain. So if you aren't much of a fan of Splash Mountain, you might want to skip this installment, because that's all that's going to be discussed today. Splash Mountain...Disney's crowing achievement.

First, some disclosure. I don't have any photos of Splash Mountain, as I didn't want my beloved camera to get wet. So I will simply borrow (i.e, plagiarize) others' photos of The Greatest Attraction of All Time. We can't have a trip report without photos, right? Better to have stolen photos than none, right?

OK, so where to begin?

Well, let's start with the thing that rattles my mind the most -- the fact that this attraction even got built.

In case you a) have been living under a rock, are not much of a Disney fan and wound up here because you Googled the term "Troll" and are now somehow engrossed, or c) don't realize that B'rer Rabbit actually DOES come from a Disney movie, B'rer Rabbit's source film "Song of the South" is, um, controversial.

Like, controversial in the, um, racist way.

If you've never seen the movie, you might be wondering how a Disney movie could possibly be racist. Personally, I don't think it is, but many people do. Why? Because those people view the depiction of Black people in the movie to be full of negative stereotypes. Well, yeah, maybe the film is full of stereotypes, but then again, what Disney animated film isn't?

Nevertheless, "Song of the South" is considered by the Disney Big Cheeses as a simmering powder keg, so they prefer to pretend it doesn't exist. Interestingly, though, the original film is still in the Disney vaults, safely preserved in a perfectly environmentally controlled media library.

Gee, I wonder why?

It's almost like they think someday it'll be worth money.

Anyway, so knowing this, it's a complete wonder that Splash Mountain ever got built. Think about it -- ordinarily, Disney attractions get made out of movies and characters that are most popular and, um, most marketable. Plus, there's always a hope that an attraction built for a popular movie or character will keep interest in said movie or character piqued such that the movie can be re-released in, say, 3D.

See?

But there's no such marketing potential with "Song of the South." Disney would prefer to keep that movie dead and buried. So why, then, do you build a signature attraction dedicated to it?

Let's go back in time to the very moment the fateful decision was made:

Imagineer, speaking to his Big Cheese executive boss: "Sir, we have a great idea for a new attraction! This is going to be BIG!"

Big Cheese: "Big, you say? I like big! Tell me more."

Imagineer: "We're going to make a themed log flume ride."

Big Cheese: "Log flume? You mean those things at Six Flags? No."

Imagineer: "No, no, no, sir...this one is going to be different. It's going to be themed."

Big Cheese: "Themed how?"

Imagineer: "We're going to theme it around the characters from the old movie 'Song of the South.'"

Big Cheese: "Never heard of it. That's not one of our movies."

Imagineer: "Yes, it sir. It won Academy Awards."

Big Cheese: "What's it about?"

Imagineer: "Um, it's about, a, um, rabbit."

Big Cheese: "Rabbit?"

Imagineer: "Yes, sir. A rabbit. You know, like Roger Rabbit."

Big Cheese: "Oh, Roger Rabbit? Why didn't you say so? I like Roger Rabbit! Proceed!"

So with the green light they need, the Imagineers build the greatest attraction in Disney history. Soon it becomes the single most popular ride in all of Disney Parks. And that makes the Big Cheese happy.

Big Cheese: "This ride is phenomenal! It's making us huge profits! We're breaking every attendance record on the books! Raise ticket prices!"

Flunky: "Yes, sir! Right away, sir!"

Big Cheese: "Let's tap into this. Get that 'Southern Songs' movie out of the vault. We're going to re-release it! We're going to merchandise the hell out of it! Set up a showing in the conference room so we can brainstorm ideas for it."

Flunky: "Yes, sir! Right away, sir!"

So the flunky sets up a projector in the conference room and shows it to the Big Cheese and all his Little Cheeses.

When the movie is over and the lights come on, all the Cheeses are staring straight forward with their eyes bugging out of their heads. The Big Cheese's cigar falls out of his mouth and tumbles down his suit jacket. They all look like they had accidentally been shown the "Best of Jenna Jameson" video instead of "Song of the South."

Big Cheese: "What in sam hell was that?!"

(Editor's note: Warning! If you do not know who Jenna Jameson is, please, do not Google her to find out. Just let the joke go. Again, do NOT Google her, especially if you're married and your wife is nearby.)

So the Flunky is now flustered. "Sir," he says, "that was 'Song of the South,' the movie you asked for."

Big Cheese: "Well get rid of it! We can't let the public see this! That engineer guy told me that movie was about Roger Rabbit! Do you realize what can happen to us if that movie gets seen?! It means lawsuits! Lawsuits and lower stock prices! And that means I can get fired!"

Flunky: "Understood, sir. I'll put the movie back in the vault. I'll also order the parks to close the ride."

Big Cheese: "Close the ride?!? What do you mean, close the ride?! Are you crazy? That ride is the most popular ride in our parks! Don't you dare close that ride!"

OK, folks, the Miami Dolphins are getting ready to kick off, so we'll pick up this exciting Troll Tribute shortly.

To be continued...

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Great stuff, Norm!

I guess it was worth stopping mid-tribute, as your Dolphins won!

Now, back to work! I am eager to read what you like so much about the attraction that reeks of mildew.

TCD

[Laura 17]

TCD, Finally someone said it! Do they EVER clean those things? One word: BLEACH!

Actually they smell of BO more than mildew to me which in my book is way worse. I always do a scrub down after that wonderful ride.

Laura

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

TCD, Finally someone said it! Do they EVER clean those things? One word: BLEACH!

Actually they smell of BO more than mildew to me which in my book is way worse. I always do a scrub down after that wonderful ride.

Laura

The stink has actually gotten a bit better of late, but those logs still stink!

It is one reason we ride Splash so infrequently. We always have to stop in the restrooms afterwards to scrub our hands.

Nasty.

Maybe that's why the Troll likes it so much.

But, wasn't he crying ranting about mildew earlier in this report?

Maybe he brings his Clorox spray with him and sprays the log down before he rides?

TCD

[Southern Blessings 4]

LOL! I love Splash Mountain too! On my first visit 20 years ago, it was my favorite ride. While not my favorite anymore, I still love riding it, the inside is so colorful! I remember seeing Song of the South when I was young. Haven't seen it since, I would love to, though!

[Laura 17]

Good point! What gives? I mean awning smell is up higher, why isn't he whining like a little girl ranting about the stink that wafers right in your face on the logs? Strange. But since it does not seem to bother him, perhaps he can loan me his Clorox spray when I ride....

Laura

[The Troll 67]

Onward with the Troll Tribute to Walt Disney Parks' crowning achievement, Splash Mountain!

When we last left off, we had just listened in to the boardroom discussion over building Splash Mountain, considering its theming and characters come straight from the lightning rod movie "Song of the South."

But that's not the only way Splash Mountain breaks the Disney mold; Splash Mountain, in fact, breaks every paradigm ever cooked up by the Imagineers and the Disney bean counters. How? Well let's look at Disney's typical markers for designing a "good" ride:

1. The ride should be short. The shorter, the better. That way you get people on the ride, make them happy, and then dump them quickly into a gift shop. The longer people sit on rides, the less time they have to shop and eat. Shopping and eating opportunities must be maximized.

2. Thrill rides require minimal theming because the thrill is the attraction. Detailed theming should be left for the slow dark rides like Pirates and the Haunted Mansion. Space Mountain and Rock N Rollercoaster are perfect examples of minimal theming -- you don't need any theming at all...just turn the lights off.

3. New rides should be based on new movies. Kids don't appreciate the old movies anymore.

Now, if you examine the facts closely, you'll find that Splash Mountain breaks every single one of these rules.

First, Splash Mountain is easily one of the longest rides in all the parks -- and it's a thrill ride. Don't believe me? Well, did you know that Splash Mountain is almost 11 minutes long? By comparison, Rock N Roller Coaster is only 1 minute, 22 seconds long. Tower of Terror is two and a half minutes long. And the vaunted Haunted Mansion is only four and a half minutes long! That means Splash Mountain is more than twice as long a ride as the Haunted Mansion!

Next, the rule about a thrill ride requiring minimal theming is totally smashed by Splash. Disney pulled out all the stops when they designed this ride. They spared nothing. The details are incredible. To get a good feel for how far Disney has come in ride design, compare the theming of the characters in Splash to the crappy ones in It's a Small World. They don't compare.

And last, Splash Mountain was designed in the late 80s...under Eisner! And it was themed on a movie that probably 90% of the population had never even seen. I know I hadn't. When I first rode Splash in 1994, I was like, "This was a movie?" I had heard the story of B'rer Rabbit, but just as folk tales.

Now I realize that many viewers of this trip report probably haven't seen "Song of the South," either, and may not even know the story of B'rer Rabbit. So I often wonder if first time riders even know what's going on. Well, you know how much I like the back stories of Disney attractions, and Splash is no exception, so for the benefit of people who just think Splash Mountain is just about a rabbit and a fat bear, let's go through the actual story.

B'rer Rabbit is a fun-loving, trouble-making rascal who lives in a place called the Briar Patch, which is, literally, a briar patch -- a patch of thorny vines. One day B'rer Rabbit decides he's bored and tired of hishohum, safe existence in the Briar Patch, so he decides to head out into the wide world for some fun and adventure.

Here's B'rer Rabbit now, heading out, planning never to return:

B'rer Rabbit's friends -- Mr. Blue Bird and B'rer Frog -- try to dissuade him from leaving, as they're afraid he'll get into trouble. But B'rer Rabbit pays no attention and tells them it's time for him "to be moving along."

Enter our villain, B'rer Fox:

For some unknown reason, Walt Disney did not like foxes. He always depicted them as villains in his movies. We learned that earlier in this trip report when we met Mr. J. Worthington FoulFellow. This guy:

Now when it comes to Mr. Foulfellow, it's a pretty open-and-shut case -- he's an evil rapscallion, for sure. I mean, after all, he did kidnap Pinocchio and sell him into child slavery. I think that qualifies as evil.

But in the case of one B'rer Fox, what crime did he commit that qualifies him as a villain? Being hungry?

After all, isn't it a fox's job to eat rabbits to keep their population under control? And wasn't it God who decided this arrangement?

So why does poor B'rer Fox get such a bad rap?

Now, in the sake of full disclosure, I must admit that I am biased. Ever since I was a very small troll, I have always rooted for the bad guy. When I was nine-years-old, all the other kids in the neighborhood dressed up as Superman, Batman, and the Bionic Man for Halloween. Me? I was Darth Vader.

Yeah, yeah -- I know. Lot's of kids do that nowadays. But not back then. Not back in 1978. I was evil when evil wasn't cool. I am a troll, after all.

So I must admit straight away that B'rer Fox happens to be my favorite Disney character of all time. So with that disclosed, let's get on with the story.

Anyhow, B'rer Rabbit is hopping along, being annoying, when he is spotted by B'rer Fox, who recruits the dimwitted B'rer Bear in an effort to capture B'rer Rabbit and eat him. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Now there's an interesting relationship between B'rer Fox and B'rer Bear in the movie that isn't really defined in the ride. In the movie, B'rer Fox is superior to B'rer Bear in wit, but even so, is still afraid of B'rer Bear. In the ride, however, B'rer Bear is depicted just as B'rer Fox's flunky, which isn't quite accurate.

These plot nuances are very important.

According to the movie -- and much of this is skipped in the ride -- B'rer Fox and B'rer Bear manage to catch B'rer Rabbit very early on. They tie him up and plan to roast him:

But then B'rer Rabbit tells them it's a shame that he won't be able to show them his Laughing Place if they eat him. B'rer Fox is not fooled by this, but the dimwitted B'rer Bear is. Wanting desperately to see this Laughing Place, B'rer Bear roughs up B'rer Fox and insists he let B'rer Rabbit loose.

Remember, B'rer Bear is no mere flunky:

So B'rer Rabbit leads B'rer Fox and B'rer Bear to a bush and tells B'rer Bear that the Laughing Place is inside the bush. So B'rer Bear sticks his snout in the bush, only to find a beehive. He starts getting stung like mad and yells at B'rer Rabbit, "You said that was a Laughing Place! There ain't nothin' in there but bees!"

To which B'rer Rabbit says, "I didn't say it was YOUR Laughing Place, B'rer Bear...I said it was MY Laughing Place!"

Now if you don't know this part of the story, the whole Laughing Place segment of the ride is just, well, weird. Like some sort of acid trip. See:

Why is everybody laughing? You don't know unless you've seen "Song of the South," which is locked up in a vault! I guess folks who've never seen the movie just dismiss this part this way: "Why is everyone laughing? And how did the bear get that bee hive stuck on his head? Who knows! I guess it's just funny."

So B'rer Rabbit is on the loose again. But he will soon be recaptured by that brilliant tactician, B'rer Fox. This time he assembles a baby made out of tar:

B'rer Rabbit hops on by the tar baby and wishes him a good morning. But when the tar baby doesn't return the greeting, B'rer Rabbit decides to punch him in the face.

Which is assault, isn't it?

And you say B'rer Fox is the villain?!?

Well now B'rer Rabbit's fist is stuck in the tar, so he punches the tar baby again. Now both fists are stuck. B'rer Rabbit proceeds to struggle to extricate himself, but the more he struggles the more stuck he gets.

This part of the story is, understandably, conspicuously absent from the ride. In the ride, we see B'rer Fox has captured B'rer Rabbit, but we have no idea how.

So, at last, B'rer Fox is going to have his Hasenpfeffer dinner...but then, inexplicably, he falls for one last B'rer Rabbit trick. B'rer Rabbit tells B'rer Fox he can hang him, roast him, skin him, or knock his block off...any of that is fine so long as B'rer Fox doesn't throw him the Briar Patch.

Now every time I go on the ride I tell B'rer Fox not to fall for this stupid trick and to just hurry up and eat B'rer Rabbit, but for some confounded reason he never listens to me! Every time he falls for it and throws that stupid rabbit in the Briar Patch!

So down we go in our log, down to the Briar Patch, where we're greeted by all the happy critters singing Zip-a-Dee-Do-Da:

We then catch up with B'rer Rabbit, who's sitting out in front of his house, singing, "Home sweet home is the lesson today."

His friend Mr. Bluebird chimes in, "The Briar Patch is where you were born, and the Briar Patch is where you're going to stay!"

So the moral of the story for all of your angst-ridden teenagers riding along with you in your log is this -- never take a risk in life and NEVER leave home!

OK, so now you newbies to the world of B'rerdom, I hope you better understand the story of my favorite ride. Like I said, when I first rode it back in the 90s, I had to study up on it myself. Makes perfect sense to me now.

Now I've been asked by a few readers why I like this ride so much. I grade rides on four criteria:

1. Back story

2. Theming

3. Fun of the actual ride

4. Re-ridability

I give each ride a score between 1 and 10. So for a control, let's grade a few Disney attractions. Let's start with the "classic" (i.e., old and taking up valuable park space) It's a Small World:

Back story: There is none. Score = 0.

Theming: Terrible. Many of the props look homemade. You can see pencil guidelines on others. Score = 1.

Fun of the actual ride: Slow and boring. No drop, no nothing. Score = 1.

Re-ridability: I would never ride that thing again even if my life depended on it. Score = 1.

So Walt's beloved It's a Small World scores a whopping 3 out of a possible 40.

Getting the hang of it? Let's do another. Let's score the Haunted Mansion:

Back story: Excellent...10.

Theming: Excellent...10.

Fun of the actual ride...well not very. It's kind of thrilling when you go downhill backwards, so 4.

Re-ridability: Considering the excellent theming, 7.

So the Haunted Mansion gets a 31 out of 40. Not bad!

Now let's do my beloved Splash Mountain:

Back story: Off the charts...10.

Theming: Outstanding...10.

Fun of the actual ride: It's an awesome log flume! What else do I have to say?! 10!

Re-ridability: Awesome theming + fun log flume = 10!

So Splash Mountain gets a stunning 40 out of 40.

So there you have it, Fiends. Incontrovertible proof that Splash Mountain is easily the best attraction of all Disney Parks.

The only problem we had with this visit with B'rer Fox was the fact that we got splashed, er, well, SOAKED!

Here's our pirated ride photo:

Notice that Mrs. Troll is duckfacing!

Also notice that I appear to be very angry. Evidently I'm not very happy with B'rer Fox's decision to throw us into the Briar Patch. Furthermore, look how wet my shirt is!

And now here's Mrs. Troll, very soaked:

Now no Troll Tribute to Splash Mountain would be complete without mentioning these two guys:

I LOVE these two guys! Love them! Aside from B'rer Fox, these two guys are my favorite characters in the ride. I think the ride designers were very clever and creative in adding them. They give the riders something funny and yet ominous to hold their attention as their log is being hoisted to the top of the flume.

I think these two guys should be in parades, like Mr. Foulfellow is.

So there you have it, folks, perhaps the longest and most annoyingly detailed Internet forum post about Splash Mountain in all time.

So if I don't get my 10,000 views, at least I have that.

[mouseketab.....Carol 1,261]

I HAVE seen Song of the South, and LOVE your analysis. You are right it is AMAZING that Splash Mountain made it out of Blue Sky planning.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

I love Splash Mountain too....except when it's cold out. Brrr!

[Katman1356...Jason 1,140]

For anyone riding along who wants to see the movie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BtjW7PW2z0

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

So there you have it, folks, perhaps the longest and most annoyingly detailed Internet forum post about Splash Mountain in all time.

So if I don't get my 10,000 views, at least I have that.

Wow!

That is most definitely the longest post I have ever read about Splash Mountain (and not all that annoying!).

You are going to make it to 10K easily.

I still want to know how you get past the smell on Splash Mountain.

TCD

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

For anyone riding along who wants to see the movie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BtjW7PW2z0

Wow- the whole movie on Youtube? How is that possible?

Last year, a fellow Fiend gave me a copy of SOS on DVD. I watched it with the twins. I can see where it is offensive, but at the same time, what a great teaching opportunity it presents. Kind of like the book/movie, The Help.

TCD

[Southern Blessings 4]

For anyone riding along who wants to see the movie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BtjW7PW2z0

Yay! The whole movie, I haven't seen it since I was a kid!

[DaveInTN 3,247]

Does anyone know if the version on YouTube is the one that Disney "sanitized" for viewing in the US? The full version, as I understand it, has never been released on home video format in the US. Wikipedia lists the film's running length at 94 minutes, which is consistent to the link above, but I don't know if that was the original running length or not.

[Southern Blessings 4]

Does anyone know if the version on YouTube is the one that Disney "sanitized" for viewing in the US? The full version, as I understand it, has never been released on home video format in the US. Wikipedia lists the film's running length at 94 minutes, which is consistent to the link above, but I don't know if that was the original running length or not.

Hmm, I don't know? I did just watch the link to the movie posted above, I don't think anything was missing, but I only saw it once when I was a kid. If they sanitized it, why can't it be released?

[Katman1356...Jason 1,140]

Does anyone know if the version on YouTube is the one that Disney "sanitized" for viewing in the US? The full version, as I understand it, has never been released on home video format in the US. Wikipedia lists the film's running length at 94 minutes, which is consistent to the link above, but I don't know if that was the original running length or not.

I believe when I watched the linked video once before it was the original version. IMDB also lists the 1946 release as 94 minutes.

[Katman1356...Jason 1,140]

Wow- the whole movie on Youtube? How is that possible?

Last year, a fellow Fiend gave me a copy of SOS on DVD. I watched it with the twins. I can see where it is offensive, but at the same time, what a great teaching opportunity it presents. Kind of like the book/movie, The Help.

TCD

Not sure how it is possible. My wife really wanted to see it so I hunted for it. When i found it on youtube I figured it would be broken into pieces at best but there it is, in all it's offensiveness...just kidding I really like the movie.

[The Troll 67]

I hope everybody enjoyed the Troll Tribute to Splash Mountain.

Now it's time to get caught up on some comments!

Wow!

That is most definitely the longest post I have ever read about Splash Mountain (and not all that annoying!).

You are going to make it to 10K easily.

I still want to know how you get past the smell on Splash Mountain.

TCD

I must admit, the smell on Splash Mountain does bother me. It's much better now, I've noticed, than it's been in the past. The logs definitely need some Clorox.

I HAVE seen Song of the South, and LOVE your analysis. You are right it is AMAZING that Splash Mountain made it out of Blue Sky planning.

It boggles the mind, doesn't it? I'm glad you enjoyed my analysis. Like I said, it may be the longest, get-a-life diatribe about a children's ride in Internet history.

I love Splash Mountain too....except when it's cold out. Brrr!

Agree! But we still brave it even when it's chilly out. That's how much we like it.

Wow- the whole movie on Youtube? How is that possible?

Last year, a fellow Fiend gave me a copy of SOS on DVD. I watched it with the twins. I can see where it is offensive, but at the same time, what a great teaching opportunity it presents. Kind of like the book/movie, The Help.

TCD

YouTube has lifted the 15 minute limit on some -- perhaps by now ALL -- users, believe it or not. See here: http://bits.blogs.ny...or-some-videos/

Of course there's still tons of 15 minute videos left over from when the limit was in place.

On the matter of "Song of the South" being offensive, I rewatched the movie after I posted my tribute, and I can see how some of the live segments can be offensive. But I don't think any of the cartoon installments are. I don't think the characters are any worse than, say, the characters out of "Sanford and Son." They're just funny/silly cartoon characters who happen to be black.

Well, then again, I suppose the tar baby sequence pushes the envelope...but then again, aren't all the stories just folk tales African Americans told their own children?

There's more Troll Trip Report coming up!

Lot's more!

Stay tuned!

I'm hard at work cranking out the next installment now!

Coming up, I have another awkward experience waiting in line to go down the Fort pool slide!

Oh, yeah! Almost forgot -- until then, check out this Fort Fiends promotional sign I made:

[mommy rainbo.....Bo 41]

So far I love the Troll's trip reports and rants. I also like the Fort Fiends sign. Awesome!!!!

[momof3kids-Yvonne 596]

I love the Fort Fiends promotional sign!

[Gots2pitt.. Jeff 64]

The promotional sign is AWESOME!! Jen needs to post this some where!

[mouseketab.....Carol 1,261]

I don't think that sign was up the first time I read, cool!!

[Southern Blessings 4]

The sign looks great!

[PureTcrazy...rita 380]

Yay, caught back up finally! I just love your trip report. I am opinionated and appreciate that you are outspoken with your opinions.

[Hotmamac aka Misty 11]

LOVE the promo sign for FF.net!! We are loads of fun, aren't we? Yes. Yes we are.