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The Trolls Run from Isaac!


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You know, you're absolutely right, Andrew. Really they need to jackhammer up all the concrete pads in the 700 loop, shore up the foundation, and pour new concrete. Shame, because the 700 loop is, I th

Onward! We're at the Magic Kingdom, and fun, waffles, and a redone BTMR await us! We entered the park with no wait at all. Then we went through the entrance that tunnels underneath the train station a

Onward with the Troll Tribute to Walt Disney Parks' crowning achievement, Splash Mountain! When we last left off, we had just listened in to the boardroom discussion over building Splash Mountain, con

I just got a chance to read the latest Troll update.

Nice work, Troll.

Your updates are getting better and better.

I'm glad you figured out the problem with the camera.

I'm glad to see your report has a lot of readers. You are going to make it to 10.000 views easy on this one.

And, I totally remember the blow-up nativity scene kerfuffle.

Yes, we must have a secret conference to hash out the details of our evil conspiracy to restore the Fort and WDW to 1970s standards! I demand a gameroom at the Contemporary...with an elaborate shooting gallery! I demand a moose topiary at the Fort! I demand that all the playgrounds at the Fort be themed and designed by the Imagineers, not bought from a generic supplier and assembled out of a box! I demand a gameroom at Crockett's! And I demand cannons tactfully placed all over the Fort!

I nominate Troll as Mayor of the Fort!

When riding Everest after dark, do they actually move the cars or do you just sit still with strobe lights flashing in your eyes to make you think you are moving?

LOL! Good one, Dave.

TCD

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This is all I did when reading your last installment: :rofl2: :rofl2:

I am so glad that folks here "get it." I've noticed that folks here seem to have very good senses of humor!

Great TR I'm glad to be reading a long. I'm with you AK SUCKS. During my year long trip I went the AK no more than 10 times and only went to ride the Yeti. 1 time we did the ride to watch the sleeping animals.

You know, I understand that there are a lot of folks who like AK and there are people who don't. I think the same is true about MK. I've actually met people who've said they don't like the MK. But somehow I sense that in the case of AK, the people who don't like it outweigh the people who do. Then again, the place always seems crowded, so what do we know?

:rofl2: but saying that, I like AK especially on a very cold (yes we do get them once in a while) wet day...then I go watch the tigers up and about.

Hot weather they are cats, they sleep!

Will have to try the yeti ride in the dark, good idea. Wait a minute, doesn't AK close at dusk?

Good point. We can't ever recall a time being at WDW when AK was open past dark.

There are rare times when AK is open after dark. It is actually quite amazing to see the night lighting in the park. The animal exhibits are closed, but Everest, Dinosaur, and a couple of other things are still open.

I would definitely like to see it. I'm sure it's beautiful. Like MK at night -- night's its best time.

When riding Everest after dark, do they actually move the cars or do you just sit still with strobe lights flashing in your eyes to make you think you are moving?

Yeah, exactly! And charge the same price for admission for the "same" experience!

I just got a chance to read the latest Troll update.

Nice work, Troll.

Your updates are getting better and better.

I'm glad you figured out the problem with the camera.

I'm glad to see your report has a lot of readers. You are going to make it to 10.000 views easy on this one.

And, I totally remember the blow-up nativity scene kerfuffle.

I nominate Troll as Mayor of the Fort!

LOL! Good one, Dave.

TCD

I've got my fingers crossed on getting to 10,000! I just checked and there are TRs with over 20,000 views! Holy shnap!

And thanks for throwing in for me way back when during the nativity scene kerfuffle, Andrew. It was like I had received a presidential pardon!

Well, it looks like we're all caught up with comments, so on with the show!

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OK, folks, it's time.

I've been hinting at it since the very start of this trip report, and the time has finally arrived.

It is time to tell the story of the Troll in the Green Muck Incident.

I've been teasing that story for weeks now like the way the big news channels tease a big lead story. In order for me to tell this story, we must momentarily divert from the ongoing story of the Trolls visiting Animal Kingdom. But don't worry -- as soon as this tale is told, we'll pick up right where we left off.

But in order to impart the full terrible impact of this incident, I must properly set the whole thing up. Please bear with me. I want to make sure I tell the story right. And before I begin, I must disclose immediately that I don't, unfortunately, have any pictures of me in the muck -- trust me, I was not in the mood to take pictures or be photographed.

You wouldn't, either.

So you'll have to use your imagination.

Let's begin at the beginning.

You do know what happens to trolls when we go out in the sunlight, don't you? That's right -- we turn to stone. You will witness such an event when Peter Jackson finally brings "The Hobbit" to the silver screen this Christmas.

Trolls turn to stone in the sun. But fortunately there is a magical elixir that trolls can use to prevent this terrible fate from befalling us. A gnome named Sam sells the magic elixir at his trading establishments all over the country. The elixir comes in very colorful bottles and has a fragrant aroma and is truly magical -- so long as us trolls really coat our exposed hides with the elixir, we do not turn to stone.

That's how we're able to move about during the day and go down water slides and witness child abuse on water slides.

So what is this magical elixir, you ask? Well, here's a picture of it:

DSCN5529800x600.jpg

And here is a picture of the gnome Sam who sells this enchanted salve:

sam-walton.jpg

And here is one of Sam's helper elves at one of his trading establishments:

sending-an-email-describing-the-pagan-origins-of-christmas.jpg

OK, so in English, whenever Mr. and Mrs. Troll go outside, we have to really, really slather on the sunscreen, otherwise we get fried. I, in particular, am really a hypochondriac about such things as melanoma, so I really douse myself from head to toe. Mrs. Troll does, too, since she has such a fair complexion.

So we were visiting the Fort last March -- a trip I, unfortunately, did not document in a TR. We brought along Ashley, one of the Trolls' many nieces. Ashley is 13. She, like us, is a HUGE WDW fan. She lives for it. This trip was Ashley's first visit to the Fort, however. I wanted to indoctrinate introduce her to the Fort at a young age so that she, too, would become a Fort Fiend.

Gotta create a new generation of Fiends, you know.

Anyway, so one day, Mrs. Troll suggested it would be a good idea to go canoeing, seeing as we had never canoed at the Fort before. Mrs. Troll loves canoeing. I thought it was a great idea, as there are some areas of the Fort that are difficult to get to by foot but you can get to by canoe. But we had one problem: There were three of us. The Fort canoes only comfortably seat two.

No problem, I said. I suggested that Mrs. Troll and Ashley rent a canoe and I would rent a kayak.

Fatal mistake.

Tragic mistake.

Idiot mistake.

I was so foolish.

So in our ignorant bliss, we signed all the rental paperwork, fitted ourselves into life jackets, grabbed some oars, and excitedly headed for the beach.

Mrs. Troll and Ashley hopped in their canoe and shoved off. I hopped in my kayak and the castmember pushed me from the sandy beach into the water. That's when it dawned on me -- for some inexplicable reason, there are holes in the seat and footrests of the Fort kayaks. Yes, holes.

Holes.

So here's a nice, big picture of a kayak:

Car_shuttle.jpg

Study it closely. Do you see any holes?

Neither do I.

This, I believe, is proper kayak design.

Holeless.

But the stupid Fort kayaks have many holes.

So needless to say, as soon as the castmember shoved the Troll into the canal, the brownish, tea-colored water started swirling in. And this nasty brown water that looks a lot like the stuff that comes out of your camper's black tank immediately flooded the seat, filled my bathing suit, and went up the back of my shirt. You know how you're sort of reclined when you sit in a kayak? Well, I was reclined in cold black tank water. Half my shirt was dry, half was soaked.

That is the nastiest feeling a human can experience -- clothing half wet, half dry.

So I turned back to the castmember and yelled, "Hey! There are holes in this kayak!"

But he just smiled, waved, and walked back to the bike barn.

So somehow his nonchalance Jedi Mind Tricked me into believing that there were supposed to be holes in the kayak. So I winced at the creeping feel of nasty water slowly being absorbed up my shirt and paddled to catch up to Mrs. Troll and Ashley.

Who, incidentally, were happily rowing away. Mrs. Troll is an expert rower, as she attended many a summer camp as a child, so she was adroitly navigating their canoe down the canal...

...of Green Doom.

Mind you, if you're seated comfortably in a sealed, dry canoe, the Canal of Green Doom poses no real problem.

But if you're in a "kayak" with holes in it, you're about to have the most unpleasant experience of your life.

So Mrs. Troll and Ashley were getting away, so, being a man, my man ego kicked in and said to me, "Norm, you can't let those girls get so far ahead of you!"

So I started paddling like mad, which created a forceful current of nasty water that was then injected into the holes of the "kayak." If you're familiar with the layout of the Fort and its canals, you know that not far from the bike barn is a neat bridge that you get to ride under if you're in a safe, dry canoe.

But if you're in a kayak, turn back.

Turn back, I say!

Turn back!

There is no "Laughing Place" on the other side of that bridge!

Where were these two guys when I needed them:

3307254116_a31b1dac79_z.jpg

They should have been perched up there on the handrail of that bridge saying, "Better be turning back!"

But they weren't. They failed me.

So under the bridge I went, and when I emerged, the Evil Green was waiting for me.

Now for the longest time, I believed that the Evil Green Muck in the Fort canals was slimy algae...you know, the stuff that forms in stagnant water. Well, I was wrong. Very, very wrong. I am here to report to all Fort Fiends that that isn't true. It's a myth. It is not algae at all.

Oh, how I wish it was.

In my mind, if it were algae, I was in no danger. I would just row my "kayak" in the wake of Mrs. Troll's canoe. I figured she had already cut through the slimy algae, so I had a clean path to navigate through.

But, you see, it isn't algae.

It's some sort of leaf.

Billions of them.

Yes, you read that right. From here forward, the myth of slimy "muck" in the Fort canals is dismissed. It isn't slime. It isn't algae. It's bazillions -- googols -- of these tiny green leaves in that canal water. What's a "googol," you ask? It's the largest named number. That's how many of those little green leaves there are.

Now, remember, trolls turn to stone in the sun, so I had completely and thoroughly applied heavy 50 SPF waterproof sunscreen before setting off on this "fun" adventure.

And you know what that means -- it means I was sticky, like I had been coated in the glue that makes Post-It notes adhere to office documents.

So here we were, rowing through a canal covered in tiny, floating green leaves no larger than half your pinkie nail. And that "brilliant" notion I had of safely navigating in the wake of Mrs. Troll's canoe?

Fail.

For those billions of tiny leaves were drawn to me like my kayak was a magnet. Within seconds they were flooding into the kayak and pooling in the seat of it. They quickly found their way up the legs of my bathing suit and into my, you know...

Soon they were all over me, like they were alive and starving for flesh. They were all stuck to my sunscreen-slathered legs and went up the back of my shirt. They got all over my hands and arms, and I couldn't get them off! These little leaf things were themselves sticky, like those things that stick to your pant legs when you go walking through tall grass.

This crap:

leg.jpeg

This is EXACTLY what's in those canals and this is EXACTLY was all over me...only much, much worse!

Once I realized what was happening, I started screaming like a dude who's been overwhelmed by a swarm of zombies and is being devoured.

I wasted no time. I turned that "kayak" around and started rowing frantically out of there. But it was too late -- I was covered.

I finally got back to the bike barn beach and was enraged. The castmember said, "Back so soon?"

To which I snarled, "There are HOLES in that kayak! Why didn't you warn me?!"

In reply, he simply raised his eyebrows and said, "Oh."

So there I was, humiliated in public. My clothes were all brown like I had jumped into a septic tank and I was covered from my chest down in those sticky green things.

"I'm sorry it wasn't a good experience for you, sir," is what he said to me.

Yes, he said that.

No, I am not making any of this up.

So now I have to get this stuff off. I feel contaminated, like I'm going to contract some terrible gangrene. So I run over to the showers at the Fort pool, and, as luck would have it, the Fort pool party is in full swing. So I have this stuff all over me -- and a captive audience. I had to walk in between girl with the microphone and all the kids playing whatever stupid game she was officiating to get to the shower.

I stripped off my shirt, shoes, and socks and started scrubbing...

...but it would not come off.

Those things were stuck on me. Not a single one came off in that pool shower.

Water alone does no good...especially when you're coated in 50 SPF waterproof sunscreen.

I had no choice -- I had to head back to camp and grab a bar of soap and a scrubber brush...one that I typically use to clean my camper's tire rims. It took me -- and I'm not exaggerating -- over 90 minutes in the comfort station shower, scrubbing and scrubbing and scrubbing to get those horrible green things off of my body.

By the time I was done, I was raw. My skin was rubbed so red, I might as well have been sunburned.

When I finally got back to camp, I was greeted by Mrs. Troll, who was kicked back in her folding recliner chair, drinking an ice cold Stella.

"Oh, where did you go?" she said. "We were wondering what happened to you."

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I really enjoyed the green slime leaves story, Norm.

Nicely done.

Why in the world were there holes in the kayak?

Wait, I know.

I saw my old buddy Ranger Sean working at the Bike Barn earlier this year. Make that ex-Ranger.

I'll bet he drilled holes in the kayaks in order to let water out in case any got splashed in.

Seems like something he would do.

TCD

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OK, so the moral of the Troll in the Green Muck Incident is simple: Don't go canoeing at the Fort. Why? Because it sucks. Even in a real canoe it sucks. It's hot and humid and all you really get to see is the backsides of some travel trailers and RVs. Plus, at certain spots the canals are only three or four inches deep, which means you literally have to use your oar to PUSH your way along as the bottom of your bottom scrapes the canal bed.

Don't go. Don't waste your money.

Play tetherball instead. Really. I'm not trying to be funny. Tetherball. You'll have more fun.

And it's free.

OK, so when we last left off, Mrs. Troll and I had a date with a certain abominable snowman. We were finishing up our combo meals at Yuma Yuma, which reminds me of two tidbits I forgot to mention in the last update that I now get to rant about.

Tidbit #1: Our combo meals included chips with our sandwich, but those chips were STALE. Stale as in chewy. Chewy as in chewy and hard like a freshly unwrapped piece of Juicy Fruit gum.

Tidbit #2: For the love of God, enough already with all those drums and horns! There we were, trying to enjoy our sandwiches and stale chips, but we were being assaulted by the deafening din of African horns, drums, and howling. I felt like I was in a Mozambican nightclub. Who thought this was a good idea? Who finds this assault entertaining? And to make matters worse, when they finally take a break, the performers leave the drums out in the open so that kids passing by can randomly beat on them.

Dislike.

Anyway, so we finished our combo meals, threw the remnants and uneaten stale chips away, and made our way back to to Mount Everest. Actually, did you know the mountain depicted in the Yeti ride isn't really supposed to be Mount Everest? It's true.

So here we are, on our way back:

DSCN5284800x600-1.jpg

Along the way, I noticed this girl:

DSCN5285800x600-1.jpg

She's laying out the tape for an upcoming parade. Now, can you imagine? They have to do this EVERY...SINGLE...DAY.

Put the tape down...

...peel the tape up...

...put the tape down...

...peel the tape up...

...all for $7 an hour, plus free admission into a park that you work at and have learned to loathe because, well, you work there.

And the only reason you get $7 an hour is because there's a minimum wage in America.

So while I was photographing this poor, unsuspecting tape layer, Mrs. Troll took a moment to refill her water bottle with free water:

DSCN5286800x600-1.jpg

Fortunately the crowd wasn't too heavy on our walk back to AK's signature attraction:

DSCN5287800x600-1.jpg

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Um, that's somewhat strange use of power lines as theming in a theme park, isn't it? Only Disney can make something traditionally very ugly and an eyesore attractive.

So we got to the Fast Pass return joint, and as expected, there was a couple in front of us trying to scam their way in with Fast Passes that weren't due for another 30 minutes. The castmember doing the checking said, "Um, you have to come back in half an hour," and they dropped their arms in frustration and huffed and puffed. The castmember rolled his eyes in disgust and then checked ours.

The funny part was, we were well within our return window, but the castmember was still so put out by those cheaters in front of us, he said, "Go ahead...I suppose."

You know, I like Fast Passes and all, but the downside of them is that you get to miss all the cool details in the queue. In some attractions, the queue is better than the ride -- like Star Tours. If you're a hardened Star Wars fan, you agree with me -- the cool broken droids and starships on display in the queue are much funner to look at than the annoying Jar Jar Binks ride itself.

So we skipped past the queue and immediately found ourselves almost about to board. I was able to grab this POV shot for you:

DSCN5289800x600-1.jpg

You're in row six, about to have a fun ride on the Yeti train!

The Yeti train that features a completely motionless and dark animatronic Yeti!

You know what that means, don't you?

It means it's time for a Troll Rant!

[TROLL RANT ON]

Fix the damned thing already!

I mean, how long has it been, years?!

The stupid thing has been broken for YEARS!

I believe I ranted about this in my first TR, which I wrote over two years ago!

I feel sorry for people who've never ridden Expedition Everest when the Yeti actually worked -- I mean, the story doesn't make any sense without the huge animatronic Yeti reaching to grab you. It's like going to see a sequel to the "Halloween" Michael Meyers slasher horror movies and Michael Meyers isn't even in it...

Oh, wait, that actually did happen.

Anyway, so as I understand it, the animatronic Yeti was installed on a faulty platform that's badly cracked, and if they actually turn the Yeti on, the platform might snap and the Yeti might fall onto a trainload of tourists. That would be cool bad. So the Yeti has since sat motionless, instead "illuminated" to create the "illusion" of motion.

Yeah, right.

In other words, us Disney suckers will ride the stupid roller coaster anyway, so why fix it? Fixing it would mean they'd have to shut it down for a few months, leaving Animal Kingdom with no rides worth paying $80 for.

Next time, Disney, there are these people who go to college to become what's called "structural engineers." Hire one. No, you won't be able to find one who'll work for $7 an hour. Actually that's probably why the Yeti is broken -- they hired a minimum wage structural engineer.

[/TROLL RANT OFF]

So, yes, the Yeti is still broken, and, yes, despite that fact, Mr. and Mrs. Troll contribute to the problem by riding the ride anyway.

Here is the party before us boarding:

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And if you recall, earlier I mentioned hedge clippers. Evidently they used them in the wrong place:

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Such a grand illusion! I am totally drawn in! I am totally suspending my disbelief!

Here's another POV shot for you:

DSCN5293800x600-1.jpg

You're lifting up on your lap bar to make sure it's secure!

Previously, when we rode BMTRR, I decided to snap random pictures as the ride was underway. That seemed to work well, so I decided to do the same while riding the Yeti.

Here's the first random shot in snapped:

DSCN5294800x600-1.jpg

Hmm...not so good...I can do better than that.

And here's that horrible service building:

DSCN5295800x600-1.jpg

Notice they did plant some bushes. In about 20 years, you won't be able to see the service building anymore.

Poor Walt is tumbling in his grave, like he's in a clothes dryer.

Now we're making our way up:

DSCN5296800x600-1.jpg

Some cool details:

DSCN5297800x600-1.jpg

Now take a look at this shot as we're now on our way:

DSCN5298800x600-1.jpg

Look at the stone steps on the left. They're so well built in to the landscape, you can hardly tell they're there.

Now we're coming around the bend:

DSCN5299800x600-1.jpg

And now you can see a dumb kid with his arms up, even though the ride is barely moving:

DSCN5300800x600-1.jpg

What a daredevil.

Evel Knievel, your legacy is in danger.

Now we're moving:

DSCN5301800x600-1.jpg

You can't tell, but the dumb kid is now holding on for dear life.

At about this point, Mrs. Troll -- who's ridden this ride, like, 10,000 times asks me in a panic, "This ride doesn't go upside down, does it?"

And I said, "No, of course not!"

It doesn't, right? I mean, there is that backward part in the dark that might be upside down.

Oh, well. Her problem if it does go upside down. After all, what is she going to do now, jump off?

Now we're climbing:

DSCN5302800x600-1.jpg

And climbing:

DSCN5303800x600-1.jpg

Hmm...those stairs aren't so well camouflaged anymore.

Now I really like this shot:

DSCN5304800x600-1.jpg

Cover up the fire alarm box with your thumb and it looks like we're riding on a REAL roller coaster in the Himalayas.

OK, now look at these steps:

DSCN5305800x600-1.jpg

Interesting how they took so much care in disguising the steps earlier in the ride but now they've totally given up. I guess they ran out of money in the budget. Also, notice all the chewing gum. How do you arrive at this point in a thrill ride that features thrilling twists and turns and heart-pounding, death-defying sudden drops and decide, "Hmm...this gum is out of flavor. I'm spitting it out"?

Is flavorless gum so offensive that you must spit it out wherever you sit?!

There are these things called "trashcans" at WDW. Trust me -- if you try, you will have no trouble finding one.

And now we're inside the Yeti's cave:

DSCN5307800x600-1.jpg

At least his shadow still moves.

Fortunately we escaped the Yeti's cave:

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And just like that, our ride was over:

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And Mrs. Troll was relieved:

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I kid you not, that shot above is 100% legit. It is not staged. Mrs. Troll was evidently not pleased by how much she was jostled during the ride. My capturing her expression was completely fortuitous.

So that was our Yeti ride.

OK, coming up next, DINOSAURS!

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"Poor Walt is tumbling in his grave, like he's in a clothes dryer."

That line jumped out at me too. So many things at WDW would make Walt spin :(

:rofl3: :rofl2: Your Snarkiness is wonderful, laughed all the way through the little green leaves ( would have been in a :panic: if they had been on me) so disgusting but your telling so :rofl2: :rofl2:

Made DH listen to me read your discription of the Yeti ride, of course he did want to know what i was snickering about over here in the corner.

more :rofl2: :rofl3: :rofl2:

Did you go backward? I'll have to ride it again, see if I get same reaction as Mrs. T. Liked the random pics...cool!

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Best line in that post!

Very funny, Troll.

(the only problem is everyone knows Walt doesn't have a grave).

Also, that last shot of Mrs. Troll is great!

TCD

Ah, I forgot about Walt not having a grave.

You know, a while back I did a bunch of research on that legend...hoping that it was true. Sad, isn't it? It was actually hoping that there was an outside chance they'd bring Walt back to life.

And then he could order the ugly DVC buildings smashed!

And EPCOT be built for REAL!

Well, another A+ installment

Thank you for the ride photos.. I haven't been to AK and you made me feel like I was on the ride too :jumpforjoy

Sorry about the kayak fiasco, yuck.

An A+? Thanks so much for your kindness!

You're welcome for the photos. I'm so happy someone else got to enjoy them.

That last pic of Mrs Troll is PRICELESS! :rofl2:

Please tell her that. She was not happy with me posting it!

The green muck story is worse than I expected.

That look on Mrs. Troll's face is why I don't ride Everest anymore.

Trust me, it was a bad, bad experience. I don't see how they get away with renting those kayaks.

And I love Everest. I'm so glad I can convince Mrs. Troll to ride it.

Green Muck......yuck

The look on Mrs Troll's face....priceless

Agree. It was nasty. Nasty beyond words.

The green muck story is gross. Sorry to hear what happened to you. Mrs Troll's picture is awesome. Great picture.

Yeah, I don't want it to happen to anyone else. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

No Kayaking for me at the Fort! Yuk! I love the shots from Everest, that's the only way I'll see it cause I sure ain't riding it!

You won't ride Everest?!? Chicken! Five-year-olds ride it!

Great picture of Mrs. Troll. I am thinking my wife would have a slightly angrier look on her face.

Your wife won't ride?

"Poor Walt is tumbling in his grave, like he's in a clothes dryer."

That line jumped out at me too. So many things at WDW would make Walt spin :(

Your Snarkiness is wonderful, laughed all the way through the little green leaves ( would have been in a :panic: if they had been on me) so disgusting but your telling so

Made DH listen to me read your discription of the Yeti ride, of course he did want to know what i was snickering about over here in the corner.

more

Did you go backward? I'll have to ride it again, see if I get same reaction as Mrs. T. Liked the random pics...cool!

I'm so glad you're enjoying the report!

Is your husband reading along now, too? I hope so.

And yes, we did go backwards. I just wish the Yeti worked. It's an awesome experience. Sad they put so much time and effort into perfecting the Yeti's details and proportions but now it just sits broken.

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