The Trolls Run from Isaac!

[The Troll 67]

OK, so picking up where we left off, Mrs. Troll and I are fighting our way out of the MK at parade time.

Where's my Mensa membership invitation?

Anyway, take a look at the photo below. See that girl in the yellow shirt standing in the middle of the sidewalk, facing away?

Look:

She's a cast member. Keep your eyes on her.

Here she is, closer up:

Why is she important?

Because she yelled at me.

I'm still to this day not sure why. I think I was supposed to be standing inside of the tape or something. I'm not sure. I just know she yelled at me. And then, not knowing why she was yelling at me, I was sort of tap dancing, trying to, like, do something so she'd stop yelling at me.

I guess it's their job to yell at people.

Oh, and hey -- look who's up on the float! It's Mr. Pinocchio himself! And look who's dancing on the level below him? It's Mr. Jiminy Cricket!

While researching Mr. J. Worthington Foulfellow, I discovered this little gem:

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is an official promotional poster for the original Pinocchio movie. Notice that Pinocchio is about to step on and squash Jiminy like the filthy insect that he is.

Now, you know, who drew this?

And how did it fly through the marketing department? Didn't someone back in 1940 say, "Hey, guys, um, that poster doesn't look right."

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah.

Getting out of MK during a parade.

More parade crap:

Finally we escaped! But look at the storm clouds looming on the horizon:

And here we are, making a beeline for the resort monorail:

Can you guess where we're going?

If you can't, you either a) haven't read the previous installment of this TR, haven't been paying attention, c) don't know squat about Disney World and thus are on the wrong website or d) are a Communist.

OK, for those of you who are Communists or confused and reading a really long forum post about a trip to a theme park when you thought you had discovered a website dedicated to Civil War forts, here's a hint:

I wonder how many people get my jokes?

You gotta pay attention.

And you gotta read closely. Skimming will not suffice.

Anyway, the hint is right in the middle of the sign.

So we got to the boarding area and lo and behold, here comes Monorail Black!

You know it's really, really sad when you've been to a theme park made for kids so many zillions of times, you know all the colors of the monorails.

Sad.

OK, so here's another POV photo for you:

You're seated in Monorail Black in the nice, cool A/C, waiting to ride over to a certain Hawaiian-themed hotel for a Hawaiian-themed adult frozen treat!

Voila! You're at the Polynesian:

And, hey, here's another POV photo:

You're relaxing at the Polynesian!

Ahhhhhh...

Every time I go to the doctor for a checkup, before he takes my blood pressure, he tells me to relax and imagine that I'm at my favorite place in the world.

Well, this is what I imagine.

Polynesian Resort, about to get snockered on Pina Coladas.

As we were waiting for the bartender to make rounds through the bar area, those imposing clouds we saw earlier arrived and delivered their cargo:

Soon enough, my favorite Hawaiian frozen treat arrived:

This is soooooo much better than a Vomit Whip anyway.

The drink menu at the Polynesian bar has this weird write-up in it:

I'm not sure what the heck they're trying to tell me.

Do the mixologists really have to travel the world to learn how to make a Pina Colada?

I don't think so.

I mean, why not just try out Google?

No wonder those one day passes are so expensive! We finally figured it out.

The furniture in the bar is somewhat new:

Notice anything missing from the chairs?

Yep, no armrests.

Dislike.

When I engage in America's pastime of public intoxication, I want the chair I'm seated in to have armrests to keep me confined and up off the floor.

Soon enough, it was time for another round.

This time I ordered up a Cuban Mojito:

Here's another angle:

And another:

Mmmmm...Mojitooooo...

I should take this picture with me when I go to the doctor.

OK...enough for now.

Coming up next, a Troll Rant^TM you don't want to miss! In this rant I go after a very sacred cow -- DVCs.

[Nicki aka Rebelstand 272]

If you like Pina Coladas

getting lost in the rain

if your not into yoga

if you have half a brain

[DaveInTN 3,247]

If you like Mickey bars at midnight

till your gut does a shake

then you eat at Ohanas

You must plan your escape

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

It's still early in the morning here, but I sure could go for a Cuban Mojito right about now.

Love the drink photos.

And, I have seen that drink menu before, but missed the hogwash they have on their about their mixologists and the sketches. I need to take another look at that book. I'll bet it's a riot.

TCD

[fortpartyof4 108]

Does that mean you like the smell of fresh vomit?

TCD

Nope. I am one of those people who has the urge to vomit from smelling other people's vomit, fresh or day-old.

Fortunately, my kids didn't puke much when they were smaller, and rarely do now. I probably get sick more than they do.

[fortpartyof4 108]

I guess when you're reading a TR it seems like time goes by a lot faster than it did on the actual trip, because all I could think was "wow, he must have gotten serious brain freeze from drinking that Colada so fast!".

I am with you on the armrests!

But not on the Jiminy Cricket description. He's one of my favorite characters, I had my photo taken with him years ago at AK, which I think has since become a rare opportunity. He is not a filthy insect!

Love the monorail POV. I could almost hear the guy saying "Please stand clear of the doors. Por favor mantengase alejado de las puertas"!

[Gots2pitt.. Jeff 64]

And, hey, here's another POV photo:

You're relaxing at the Polynesian!

The drink menu at the Polynesian bar has this weird write-up in it:

I'm not sure what the heck they're trying to tell me.

Do the mixologists really have to travel the world to learn how to make a Pina Colada?

I don't think so.

I mean, why not just try out Google?

No wonder those one day passes are so expensive! We finally figured it out.

Glad I am a guy or I would be thinking I should probably shave my legs (this seems to be a reaccuring theme in the POV pictures).

You have now explained to the rest of us why drinks are more expensive at Disney, makes since now that I know they have traveled the world to be able to make them.

[Momof6....aka Marty 769]

The drink next to the mojito looks intriguing. What kind of drink did Mrs. Troll enjoy?

[Just Beachy 18]

Is it my old eyes or is Mickey dressed like Elvis?

Great TR!! You are hysterical!!

[The Troll 67]

It's still early in the morning here, but I sure could go for a Cuban Mojito right about now.

Love the drink photos.

And, I have seen that drink menu before, but missed the hogwash they have on their about their mixologists and the sketches. I need to take another look at that book. I'll bet it's a riot.

TCD

Mmmm...Mojitos for breakfast...

When they say in that menu that the "mixologists" travel the "world," I believe they're using exaggerative euphemisms.

By "mixologist" I believe they mean "bartender."

And by "world" I believe they mean Disney World. So the new bartenders rode the monorail around Disney World to learn how to make the drinks!

Nope. I am one of those people who has the urge to vomit from smelling other people's vomit, fresh or day-old.

Fortunately, my kids didn't puke much when they were smaller, and rarely do now. I probably get sick more than they do.

OK, OK, that's enough. As the curator of this Trip Report I am announcing an end to all the vomit talk...you are making me want to vomit.

I guess when you're reading a TR it seems like time goes by a lot faster than it did on the actual trip, because all I could think was "wow, he must have gotten serious brain freeze from drinking that Colada so fast!".

I am with you on the armrests!

But not on the Jiminy Cricket description. He's one of my favorite characters, I had my photo taken with him years ago at AK, which I think has since become a rare opportunity. He is not a filthy insect!

Love the monorail POV. I could almost hear the guy saying "Please stand clear of the doors. Por favor mantengase alejado de las puertas"!

Brain freeze and a serious buzz!

And Jiminy Cricket is, indeed, OK, I must admit.

Glad I am a guy or I would be thinking I should probably shave my legs (this seems to be a reaccuring theme in the POV pictures).

You have now explained to the rest of us why drinks are more expensive at Disney, makes since now that I know they have traveled the world to be able to make them.

Google is much cheaper. You can learn how to do anything on Google.

The drink next to the mojito looks intriguing. What kind of drink did Mrs. Troll enjoy?

It's called a madris! It's vodka, cranberry, and a splash of orange juice.

Is it my old eyes or is Mickey dressed like Elvis?

Great TR!! You are hysterical!!

You're right! I didn't notice that!

And thanks for the kind words. I'm so happy someone gets my jokes!

[The Troll 67]

All right, folks, it's time for another exciting installment of the Troll's Trip Report! Actually, there are two of us trolls, so it should be Trolls' Trip Report, right?

When we last off, the Trolls were indulging in some toothsome $12 cocktails at the Polynesian Resort bar, just outside of the legendary Ohana's restaurant.

Bet you didn't know that "toothsome" was a word, did you?

See? The Troll entertains and informs!

Well, we've now finished our toothsome cocktails and it's time to head back to camp to spend some quality time with the doggies. So we decided to hop back aboard the monorail, ride it back to the Contemporary, and then ride the boat back to the Fort.

So here's the monorail station at the Polynesian:

Or, well, an extreme closeup of the monorail station.

Really the reason I snapped this photo was to wax philosophical. I noticed that column. Take a good look at it. Think about how long that column has stood there at the Polynesian. Think about how many hundreds -- maybe thousands -- of coats of paint it's received over the years.

So let's think this through. The Polynesian was opened in 1971. That means...

• When the Miami Dolphins completed their epic Perfect Season in 1972...this column was standing here.
  
• As war raged in the jungles of Vietnam, this column was standing here.
  
• As the Watergate burglars were doing their break-in, this column was standing here.
  
• As American celebrated its Bicentennial in 1976, this column was standing here.
  
• When Elvis was found dead, this column was standing here.
  
• When Jimmy Carter was elected president, this column was standing here.
  
• When River Country opened in 1976, this column was standing here.
  
• When Ronald Reagan was elected in 1980, this column was standing here.
  
• When the Apple Macintosh was unveiled in 1984, this column was standing here.
  
• When the Challenger space shuttle exploded, this column was standing here.
  
• When Iraq invaded Kuwait, this column was standing here.
  
• When "The Simpsons" debuted on TV, this column was standing here.
  
• When President Clinton made his infamous quote, "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is," this column was standing here.
  
• When jet planes slammed into the World Trade Center, this column was standing here.
  

Well, you get the drift.

Very philosophical, wouldn't you agree?

Actually, I think I snapped the shutter on my camera by accident and this picture wound up on my camera and I needed a way to include it in this TR!

Moving along...

Here's a better shot of the column doing its job...and look what just arrived:

It's Monorail Black! The very same monorail we arrived on.

Once we hopped back aboard Monorail Black, our next stop, as I'm sure you're perfectly aware (unless you're a Communist or a Civil War buff), was the Grand Floridian.

As we approached, I snapped this shot of the "expansion" of the Grand Floridian:

I put the word "expansion" in quotes because this really isn't an expansion of the Grand Floridian; it's the construction of another one of those vile DVCs.

And, drum roll please, that's a perfect segue for another Troll Rant!

Disclaimer: If you're a big fan of the Disney Vacation Clubs, go ahead and skip the following section.

[TROLL RANT ON]

Enough already with the effing DVCs already!

What is going on with the DVCs, anyway?

You know, I realize that Walt Disney World is a huge draw, attracting literally millions of people from all over the world every year, but one would have to think that Disney is approaching the Law of Diminishing Returns on all the available accommodations. I mean, there is a finite number of people who are going to visit Disney. I'm reminded of Las Vegas in the 90s, when they overbuilt hotels and had just way too many hotel rooms available to rent.

Las Vegas is still suffering from that problem to this day. Is Disney, perhaps, creating a similar situation for itself?

And here's another thing. To emphasize this point, allow me to relate a story.

Way back in 1982, my family and I were staying at the Fort and were visiting EPCOT Center (as it was known back then), for our first time. While walking about the World Showcase, I noticed some kids had bought some of those "Invisible Dog Leashes" from one of the gift shops. You know what I'm talking about, right? These stupid things:

Now mind you, I was only 13 at the time, but the Invisible Dog Leash had been around for, like, 100 years already. So I saw these kids had bought some of these stupid things and asked my father, "Why do people still buy those stupid invisible dog leashes?"

To this, Pop said to me, "One time PT Barnum was asked, 'Mr. Barnum, how do you continue to make money through your circus?' and Barnum said, "There's a sucker born every minute.'"

Indeed, there is a sucker born every minute. How do I know? Well, here's the evidence:

In other words, why do people still buy timeshares?!?

It's a ripoff!

Ripoff, people! Ripoff!

You know why the Disney timeshares are called "Disney Vacation Clubs"? Because the treacherous foulfellows who run Disney World nowadays -- those same foulfellows who built that infernal NASCAR racetrack right next to my campsite -- know that most people these days know that timeshares are ripoffs, so they gave them a nice, flowery, politically correct euphemism for them.

It's not a timeshare, those hucksters say, it's a Disney vacation club.

Now, let me be fair. I suppose if you love Disney World and spend all your vacations there, maybe a DVC works out for you. Maybe it's cost effective.

But, you know, I have a sense that most people just get dazzled by the amenities and make impulse purchases...and the foulfellows at Disney can really capitalize on this impulsiveness because, you see, there's this thing called a monorail and it takes you to this place called the Magic Kingdom. Talk about the ultimate selling point.

Anyway, so why am I so bothered by the DVCs?

Because they're talking about building one of these sucker traps at the FORT! And it's going to ruin my view from my rocking chair on the porch at Crockett's -- that's why!

[/TROLL RANT OFF]

Anyway, so we road on past the Grand Floridian Sucker Trap toward the MK:

Then we passed on by the MK, arrived at the vintage Contemporary, and hopped aboard our vessel for our voyage back home:

Now I have a question before we continue on: Why do some men feel compelled to cut the sleeves off their t-shirts?

I don't understand. Do the sleeves get in the way? I mean, cutting a short sleeve off a t-shirt really doesn't make the shirt any cooler...plus your armpit hair is, like, you know, out there.

Oh, it's so good to be a troll -- if a thought comes to mind, say it!

Anyway, I never could figure the cutoff sleeve thing out. Someone please explain.

We got a seat at the stern of the vessel:

And Mrs. Troll seized the opportunity to duckface for the camera:

Then Mrs. Troll directed my attention to this girl:

She is wearing jeans and very high leather boots...

...in Florida...

...in freakin' Augsust!

Clearly a future DVC owner.

On our journey back, we noticed this speed boat:

Oddly, though, their boat wasn't going very fast.

Previously on our boat ride I snapped some long distance shots of my beloved River Country. This time I figured I should give that mosquito paradise called Discover Island equal time:

What's that, you say?

This photo of Discovery Island isn't very interesting?

Exactly.

Anyway, we finally made our way back to the flood area campsite. When we did, we noticed that we had been paid a visit:

We gave our pups some ice water:

And then decided to go looping!

But this looping expedition was sort of anticlimactic. Look:

Looping's not so much fun when there's nothing to loop.

But Zoe didn't mind. She just loves to go for rides:

And so does Elma:

When we go looping, we seat both pups in between us in the front seat:

Here's another view of our looping expedition:

As you can see, scarcely another living soul around.

There was a lot of standing water everywhere:

And plenty of vacancy:

Finally we found another Fort Fiend:

Look at that guy's canopy! That's hardcore!

This shot was taken over my shoulder:

Ghost town.

So, don't believe me that we ride with both dogs up front with us? See for yourself:

And here's a self portrait, using the rear view mirror:

[The Troll 67]

Can't remember why I took this shot:

Or this one:

Now we're in the 1900 loop:

So we decided to hop out of the cart to take the dogs for a walk:

Notice we have those new leashes made out of fiber optic glass! You can barely even see them in this photo...they're almost invisible! If you didn't know better, you'd think we were allowing our dogs to roam about the 1900 loop loose!

I've been told that there's lots of flooding in the 1900 loop. Well, it's true:

Notice, however, that these sites were constructed properly -- i.e., the site is above the water, not in it.

OK, that's all for this installment.

Coming up, the Troll flexes his muscles.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

Love the updates! And man, that campground looks WET!

Looking forward to more...

[dblr....Rennie 224]

Love the pictures and the comments they are great, we are DVC owners and I would have to agree with you that they are out of control. We bought almost 10 years ago and have enjoyed the times we use it but I do not think we would have any interest into buying now, to much money for what you get. Oh and I did enjoy your DVC rant, rant on they help make who you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[michele j 9]

Excellent update!

Love the puppy photos. They are adorable.

[Heidi-meetsTCD@TSM 5]

Great trip report!

Love your sense of humor!

Love the "rants"!!

Keep it coming!!

Heidi

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Then Mrs. Troll directed my attention to this girl:

She is wearing jeans and very high leather boots...

...in Florida...

...in freakin' Augsust!

Clearly a future DVC owner.

You nailed that joke!

Good job.

Interesting shots of the 1900 loop.

I remember talking to a Troll who was camped in that loop once, and how he wondered why all the tree roots were exposed like they were.

Now you know.

TCD

[stefa70 205]

All caught up Norm. When it comes to the DVC at the Fort, no rant is long enough for me.

I would normally give my opinion on the matter but you're so darn good at it, I'll just agree.

I love that you let the pups ride up front between you. Mine gets the front too, and I ride in the rear.

Guys will shoot Trevor that look of "Cool man, you got the real b**ch to ride in the back"

Sometimes I even hear the same grunt that Tim the Toolman Taylor used to make.

Keep it coming!

[Southern Blessings 4]

That girl with the boots has to be insane! I totally agree on the DVC, especially at the Fort!

[The Troll 67]

Love the updates! And man, that campground looks WET!

Looking forward to more...

I'm glad, because there's so much more to come!

Love the pictures and the comments they are great, we are DVC owners and I would have to agree with you that they are out of control. We bought almost 10 years ago and have enjoyed the times we use it but I do not think we would have any interest into buying now, to much money for what you get. Oh and I did enjoy your DVC rant, rant on they help make who you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ha ha! And here I thought I was kind of safe ranting about DVCs on a Fort Wilderness site!

Excellent update!

Love the puppy photos. They are adorable.

Thank you! We love those dogs so much.

Great trip report!

Love your sense of humor!

Love the "rants"!!

Keep it coming!!

Heidi

More to come! Thanks for reading along!

You nailed that joke!

Good job.

Interesting shots of the 1900 loop.

I remember talking to a Troll who was camped in that loop once, and how he wondered why all the tree roots were exposed like they were.

Now you know.

TCD

Thanks, Andrew! Yes, the 1900 loop certainly showed off its floodability on that trip. It was obvious Fort Wilderness was built on top of a swamp.

All caught up Norm. When it comes to the DVC at the Fort, no rant is long enough for me.

I would normally give my opinion on the matter but you're so darn good at it, I'll just agree.

I love that you let the pups ride up front between you. Mine gets the front too, and I ride in the rear.

Guys will shoot Trevor that look of "Cool man, you got the real b**ch to ride in the back"

Sometimes I even hear the same grunt that Tim the Toolman Taylor used to make.

Keep it coming!

Ha ha...yeah, I am very anti-DVC. Can you tell?

That girl with the boots has to be insane! I totally agree on the DVC, especially at the Fort!

Yeah, when she got back to her hotel, she probably had to drain buckets of sweat out of those boots!

[The Troll 67]

Welcome back, fellow Fiends.

I got so worked up in that last rant, I forgot to mention something about our monorail ride as we approached the new construction at the Grand Floridian.

Before we get into that, here's a picture of a monorail riding past the Grand Floridian, just to orient you:

What I forgot to mention is the fact that there's a new narrator's voice onboard the monorail. Have you heard him yet? I'm not sure how long the new guy's been on the job, reading those same lines over and over and over again, day in, day out, but he was new to us.

I kind of miss the old guy.

Change is bad for old, crotchety Trolls who love Disney World and always want it to stay the same.

Or, well, the parts of Disney World that I like. Those parts that I don't like -- like "It's a Small World" and every attraction at Animal Kingdom that doesn't involve a Yeti -- can be changed...into oblivion, hopefully.

But there is one positive about the monorail narrator change -- I no longer have to hear for the bazillionth time about that infernal Citricos restaurant and its American cuisine with its distinct Tuscan flair.

What the hell is a "distinct Tuscan flair," anyway? And doesn't making the food have a Tuscan flair make it, like, you know, not American?

Tuscany is in Italy...

...not America.

And am I alone in the observation that Disney World really, really sold the crap out of that Citricos place?

I wonder why that is?

I've never been there. I wonder what the menu looks like? Let's take a look:

I wonder if that $33 chicken breast or that $53 veal shank has anything to do with it?

Ahhhh...PT Barnum would be pleased...

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh, yeah -- trip report.

Sorry...I got a bit distracted there.

Tangents, tangents.

So getting back on topic, we last left off with the Trolls and their Wargs exploring the magic fort in their Kenny wagon.

Well, the sun was setting about now, so it was time for us to retire for the evening. Mrs. Troll fixed us up some soup and salad for dinner and then we extinguished the lights and lay down...with two dogs sleeping in between us and me jammed up against the bedside cabinet.

I awoke early the next morning and got up to take the Wargs for a nice morning walk.

So here's a POV photo for you straight out the gate:

You're walking your dogs on a bright, cool Fort morning!

Here's the view of the dog walk along the 700 loop:

Along the way, I noticed lots of these:

And here's another one:

And another:

And another:

Now, you know, I understand that some trees get beetles that burrow into their trunks and eventually kill them. I also understand that if a tree is left standing after they've been attacked by these parasites, the tree can snap and fall on someone. But if all this tree cutting continues, there's just not going to be much of the Fort left after too long.

Saddened by the evidence of the felled trees, I continued on:

And as I walked on, look what I found!

It's a railroad tie from the FWRR! A real railroad tie from the FWRR!

Yes, I know that it's actually just an old landscaping timber, but that's not the delusional lie I was telling myself.

It was a railroad tie, doggone it!

Then I arrived at the end of the dog walk:

Notice that green, murky water. Don't worry -- I haven't forgotten to tell the story about my up close and personal encounter with this stuff. I just have a few more photos to show to set the story up right.

So we headed back:

My puppas didn't want to go back to camp, though:

Notice all the empty sites above.

At least it's dried up.

And the skies are so blue:

Mrs. Troll asked me to put up our string lights on our camper:

Now in another life, when he was much, much younger, Mr. Troll was a personal trainer. And despite the fact that he's aging and developed a beer gut, Mr. Troll still likes to go to the gym regularly and pretend that he's still getting in shape. So I decided to head over to the Wilderness Lodge while it was still early.

There are several ways to easily get to the Lodge from the Fort. Typically I ride my bike along the nature trail. But on this trip I didn't bring my bike, so I drove the Troll Mobile.

You're not supposed to drive golf carts along the nature trail.

Even though certain Fiends I know do (*cough* TCD *cough*).

Anyway, here I am walking from the parking lot to the Lodge:

What a great photographer I am! I meant to get my finger in the shot!

Notice, by the way, that I took these shots with my phone. Didn't want to lug my nice camera to the gym.

Also notice how beautifully green that grass is! Gosh how I wish I could recruit some of the elves that grow this grass for Disney to my yard. Please, fellow Fort Fiends, help me with this. For some daggum reason I cannot get my St. Augustine grass to grow in my backyard. No matter what I do, it dies! And look how green it is here! It's growing like a weed! So if anyone reading this has some tips for a really green St. Augustine lawn, I'm all ears.

On my way, I noticed these guys working hard:

I felt bad for them having to work in the sun while I was enjoying a vacation.

So I waved hello.

All three smiled and waved back.

Here I am, approaching the, um, yeah, Lodge DVC:

And here I am at the gym. It's called Sturdy Branches. It's a great gym. And it's free for resort guests! Can you believe that?! Free! I wonder how much longer that'll last?

And here's another view of the gym. Notice you can see the Troll in the mirror:

OK, I'm going to go ahead and post this update now.

Coming up next, after my workout, I take a load off among the Lodge high ups.

[Nicki aka Rebelstand 272]

all caught up and just a little scared of the green stuff story

[jjbescher 17]

DVC - I am member, but I agree that a DVC at Fort Wilderness is bad. I Love my DVC, I have easily gotten my money back and have been able to take friends with me.

[fortpartyof4 108]

I hate St. Augustine grass.

But, ours is green, except when we haven't had enough rain.

That is because we pay Scott's to come around and put stuff on it every month or so.

We used to DIY but after a heavy chinch bug infestation, lost our back yard and had to hire a service to rescue it or face hefty fines from our friendly POA.

After the yard came back, it was just easier to keep them around. And a lot less frustrating.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Hang on a second.

You just drove your cart to the Lodge in broad daylight?

Even I am not that crazy.

Oh, and good job on the Citrico's rant. Although, that same rant could apply to any of the sit-downs at WDW these days. 28 bucks for Seared Tofu? They can't be serious.

TCD