The Trolls Return to the Fort

[momof3kids-Yvonne 596]

Obviously, you like your son the best!

I know and to add more proof to that the girls have only been once. DS has been twice.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Do you gentlemen need me to resurrect my Moscow To Mickey trip report and start adding new photos of Anna to up the view count?  Don't think I won't do it.  :rofl3:

 

Hey Troll said he's going for #1.

 

Do what you gotta do.

 

TCD

[AC in A2......Aaron 693]

Hey Troll said he's going for #1.

 

Do what you gotta do.

 

TCD

I think i will ask Chris to merge my back to the future TR with Nicki's shameless thread. Top that.

[thecplusplusguy 7]

I'm up to date again.  woo.  This is one long trip report.  It's one long trip with a couple work breaks in between.  Its not 2 separate trips.

 

Dan

[The Troll 67]

I'm up to date again.  woo.  This is one long trip report.  It's one long trip with a couple work breaks in between.  Its not 2 separate trips.

 

Dan

 

Boo-yah! Take that, Devores and TDD Guy!

[The Troll 67]

The TDD guy has pulled ahead. This is ridiculous.

 

Let's go to Hollywood Studios.

 

Time for some rants and stuff.

 

Let it be known that I'm a huge fan of Hollywood Studios. While I have determined that the piece of rubbish Animal Kingdom does not conform to proper Disney standards, Hollywood Studios most definitely does. It's so beautifully themed. So much attention to detail.

 

 

 

Flowers and benches and blue skies and stuff:

 

 

The Indiana Jones show is good, but once you've done it, you've done it:

 

 

So we didn't do it because we've already done it.

 

Mrs. Troll's back:

 

 

All right...all right...all right.

 

What the hell am I doing?

 

I need to destroy the TDD Guy. Why am I showing crappy pictures of that waste of space "American Idol" building and purple bush flowers when I've got the Big Bertha cannon in my arsenal, just waiting to be fired?!

 

It's called the Troll Rant^TM beyotch! And this isn't just any Troll Rant, people. This is the Troll Rant of Troll Rants. In this Troll Rant, I completely destroy this piece of shi...yikes:

 

 

The infernal "magic" band, beyotches. It's time to destroy this piece of garbage.

 

Let's do it.

 

[TROLL RANT]

 

Clearly this thing was thought up by the same very jackass who thought putting a full course NASCAR track next to a highly profitable, extremely popular campground was a good idea.

 

It's this stupid thing that looks like one of those entirely faddish LIVESTRONG con jobs that everyone was wearing a few years ago. Remember those? Yeah, that. It was the predecessor to the 26.2 sticker, the "Salt Life" sticker, and the "Tough Mudder" fraud.

 

What is up with the running-through-mud crap, anyway? It's the new way for out-of-shape people to trick themselves into believing they're athletic. Earth to Tough Mudder people -- you're out of shape!

 

Huh?

 

What?

 

Oh...oh, OK...OK...yes...you're right...

 

That was Mrs. Troll.

 

She said I need to stay on topic.

 

So back to the Unmagical Band.

 

Let's explore some of the history behind this mess. It all started simply and smartly enough. Once upon a time, there was this dude named Walt Disney who built an incredibly awesome, ultra clean, and beautifully themed and detailed theme park. The idea was simple -- you come to this beautiful park and if you want to experience any of the marquee attractions, you'd buy a ticket for said attraction. Lines were short and orderly. You got to enjoy the attractions that most interested you. If you wanted to experience an attraction several times, you expressed that attraction's worth to you by buying more tickets for it.

 

Then Mr. Disney died.

 

And morons took his place.

 

"Let's just jack up the admission price and ramp up profits!" Moron #1 said.

 

"But will the guests pay a higher admission price and still afford tickets?" Moron #2 asked.

 

"No...no...no! You're not following me. Don't you get it? Instead of nickeling and diming these marks for an E-Ticket here and a C-Ticket there, we'll take all their money at once, as they walk through the gate!"

 

"But, sir! Will the suckers pay such a high price?"

"Of course they will! We'll tell them that all the rides are now 'free'!"

 

"But, sir, if you jack the price of admission way, way up, the rides aren't free, are they?"

 

"Of course not! But the marks won't put 2 and 2 together! They're idiots! We'll take all their money at once and they'll kiss our feet, thinking that we're doing them a favor by making all the rides 'free'!"

 

So Evil Moron Plan #237 was put into effect, and, to their credit, it worked. Except there was one unintended consequence -- with all the suckers now able to ride the rides as many times as they wanted, the queues for said lines backed way up, forcing many of the suckers to wait 30, 40, 60, or even 75 minutes to ride a single ride. And that meant the suckers were wasting all that valuable time waiting to ride rides and not browsing shops, dining in restaurants, or succumbing to the fragrances of fake cookie smell.

 

So something had to be done.

 

And thus was born the "Fast Pass."

 

The "Fast Pass" enabled the marks to wait in line without actually waiting in line. It was effectively like the pager a restaurant gives you when waiting for a table to be ready, except this solution allowed the suckers to wander all over the park and shop, dine, and pig out on any whim. Profits galore!

 

But then Evil NASCAR Lover Manager Guy entered the picture.

 

Evil NASCAR Lover Manager Guy had an even better idea -- do away with the Fast Pass on demand and force the suckers to sign up for Fast Passes online in advance!

 

And what if you forget to get your Fast Passes online in advance?

 

No problem! We'll have Fast Pass kiosks!

 

Translation: Stand in line in the brutal Orlando direct sun and humidity and wait -- yes, wait -- to get a Fast Pass! Ha ha ha ha!

 

What good does that serve?

 

Ahhh...that's when the plan takes its Evil NASCAR effect...

 

Can you say, "Pay for Fast Passes?"

 

It's coming, Fort Fiends.

 

It's coming.

 

Universal is already doing it.

 

Whatever Disney innovates, Universal copies...and...

 

...whatever Universal innovates, Disney copies!

 

If Universal turns a profit selling Fast Passes, you can count your When You Wish Upon a Star stars that Disney will follow suit.

 

It's already happening.

 

The plan is in the works.

 

And it all starts with that crappy LIVESTRONG knockoff you have on your wrist.

 

Here's another thing -- if you're a season pass holder, you get a 10% discount on everything you buy, except alcohol. You have to know this and ask for it when it comes time to pay. Well, with the "Magic Band," the idea is you're supposed to link your season pass to your rubber band. So you have an electronic copy of your paper season pass on your wrist...

 

...or so you think.

 

Try availing yourself of your deserved 10% discount with that "Magic" band and see what happens.

 

You'll be asked for your paper season pass.

 

I am not making this up.

 

They are perfectly able to know that you are the owner of a season pass when it suits them, but when it comes time for you to cash in on the discount you pay for, NOPE!

 

"Sorry, sir, but we currently have no way -- no way -- of knowing whether or not your a season pass holder through your Magic Band."

 

Huh?!?!!?

 

I am not making this up.

 

This is what we've been told repeatedly. If we want our discount, we must present our paper passes.

 

Oh, and the stupid "Magic" band does not get you in the Fort gate, either.

 

Well that's useful!

 

So well thought out, isn't it?

 

So I am sad to report that the ultra convenient Fast Pass kiosks at each ride are a thing of the past, Fiends. Now the kiosks are consolidated into a handful of locations and you must stand in LINE to get a pass. If you want a pass for, say, Haunted Mansion, you must stand in line behind all the suckers waiting for a pass for Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, and Big Thunder.

 

Ugh.

 

Fail.

 

Epic fail.

 

[/TROLL RANT]

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

That my friend was EPIC! And true. And funny.

[The Troll 67]

Hey, people!

 

Do you think I'm doing this for my health?

 

I'm doing this to destroy the TDD Guy!

 

Stop viewing his trip report!

 

View mine more!

 

View it, hit the BACK button, view it, BACK, view, BACK, view, BACK...

 

Got it?

 

Look -- monopolies are bad, right?

 

Everyone hates Walmart's dominance, right? Everyone wants some upstart businesses to take a bite out of the Walmart monolith, right?

 

TDD is the Walmart of trip reports!

 

Let's take a bite out of him!

 

Let's go back to MGM. Or Hollywood Studios. Or whatever it's called now. To me it's always MGM.

 

Anyway, here's something for the Star Wars nerds:

 

 

Feels like you're on Endor, ready to murder and roast up some Ewoks, right?

 

Anyway, there's a little known shop in Hollywood Studios called "Writer's Stop." It's a little coffee shop/bookstore where they sell extremely overpriced books.

 

And coffee.

 

We went in there:

 

 

It was cool.

 

Hey!

 

Let's go back to the word "amazing," shall we?

 

I hate that word.

 

Well, not entirely.

 

Only in today's usage.

 

Like, it's perfectly OK to use the word when describing, say, Spiderman.

 

Or an escape artist.

 

Or Dwight Clark's catch.

 

But today it's very commonly used by young women when describing their dates.

 

And usually it's not a good omen for the date.

 

That is, if you're a dude and a chick you're interested in describes you as "amazing," it doesn't look good for you.

 

In fact, you're done.

 

Kaput.

 

See, it works like this. Women -- especially young women -- like dudes who are handsome and, you know, strike them a certain way. You either got it or you don't. So when a chick wants to dump you, she wants to send you packing without crushing you, so she wants to build up your self esteem but she doesn't know how, really, because, you know, she doesn't like you and really thinks you suck.

 

So out comes the word: Amazing.

 

And it's used in this context: "You know, Lloyd, you're an amazing person. A truly amazing person, but..."

 

And there it is!

 

The deadly but.

 

Just pack your bags.

 

Don't try to change her mind.

 

You're done.

 

Have some dignity and walk.

 

With that in mind, I bring you this:

 

 

Mrs. Troll likes this show.

 

Me...not so much.

 

But it's this show where one hot chick gets suited by, like, 20 dudes and the hot chick has to cut the dudes she doesn't like until she gets down to the one that's her "soul mate." This means there's a lot of dudes getting cut. And you know what that means?

 

The amazing word gets lots and lots of play.

 

Don't believe me? Pay attention next time you're watching the show.

 

Oh, don't pretend you don't watch it. You know you do.

 

Me, personally, I like the other show better. You know, where it's the reverse -- where it's one dude and 20 hot chicks and the hot chicks have to do things like roller ski down a hill in string bikinis.

 

Oh, wait.

 

Mrs. Troll is probably going to read this. Maybe I should erase that part about the hot chicks in string bikinis roller skiing down a hill.

 

Oh, well.

 

Here's the hat:

 

 

Oh, wait a minute. Let's go back to the show about the 20 hot chicks in the string bikinis roller skiing down the hill.

 

That's a Disney show.

 

You know that, right?

 

And they advertise it at their theme parks.

 

Quality family entertainment.

 

Ahhh...the Fantasy Suite...let's get to know each other better...

 

We have come such long way since the Beaver.

 

And Ethel:

 

 

I remember in one episode of "I Love Lucy" Ethel actually protested to Lucy that she couldn't take part in one of Lucy's schemes because Ethel refused to ride the NY subway in her blue jeans.

 

A long way, indeed.

 

Check this out:

 

 

Don't ask me why I told you to check that out. It sucks. What's that kid doing with that bag, anyway?

 

OK, people, what is the friggin' deal with Toy Story thing?!

 

Mr. and Mrs. Troll have STILL not ridden this damn thing!

 

What gives?!

 

It can't be that good!

 

It's just a stupid ride where you shoot stuff, right?

 

Like Buzz and the MIB at Universal, right?

 

Damn fads.

 

Crazy how stuff just takes off, isn't it?

 

The "Toy Story" ride joins the 26.2 sticker, the Salt Life sticker, and the Tough Mudder runs in fad infamy.

 

Why is this crap famous? Because everyone likes it. But why does everyone like it? Because it's famous, you dumb ass!

 

Finally Mrs. Troll stopped hogging the spotlight and allowed me to appear in a photo:

 

 

See my shirt?

 

It's my limited edition Fred Sanford "Champipple" shirt.

 

I love "Sanford and Son." One of the best TV shows in TV history.

 

I took this photo with the goal of showing off the incredible details of MGM:

 

 

But there's not a whole lot of detail going on there. Notice the Coca-Cola billboard above the building, though. That's cool.

 

I like Coke Zero.

 

And Mezzo Mix.

 

I bought Mezzo Mix out of a vending machine in Germany once. And as I was buying it, this hobo German dude came up to me, wanting money.

 

I didn't think there were hobo dudes in Germany.

 

My illusion was shattered.

 

But the Mezzo Mix was good.

 

I gave the German hobo dude a Euro.

 

Which is, like, a dollar and change.

 

But I thought it was a quarter.

 

Because the Europeans make their dollars out of metal.

 

Stupid Europeans.

 

True story.

 

Ask Mrs. Troll.

 

More details:

 

 

And more details:

 

 

Look at all those strollers, ruining the view.

 

Hey, why do the Europeans make their money all pink and fruity:

 

 

Like, in America, we put our kick ass generals on our money. See:

 

 

Look at that dude -- a grizzled, whiskey guzzling, card counting, Confederate slaughtering, KKK buster-upper.

 

They, meanwhile, put crappy Communist buildings on theirs:

 

 

 

 

Yeah.

 

USA! USA!

 

Roger Rabbit:

 

 

Am I alone in the opinion that Roger Rabbit sort of sucked?

 

I mean, come on. Admit it. It sucked. They didn't make a sequel, so it sucked. All good Disney movies get sequels.

 

This theater thing is pretty cool:

 

 

Of course it's not a theater, it's a junk shop.

 

Junk! We have junk for sale! Come buy a set of $40 Crocs for 2-year-olds!

 

That's a harbinger of things to come, folks.

 

All right, I've totally lost count of how many photos I've included in this post, so I'm submitting now to see if I get the "You've posted too many images in this reply" error or, worse, the dreaded "You cannot use that image type in this community" error.

 

Keep your fingers crossed...

[Travisma 1,317]

If you want to get a higher view count, include more shots of the lovely Mrs Troll in the pictures. She classes them up. She's an all American tourist. Dressed appropriately and sensibly at all times. She's the type the Walt envisioned enjoying his creations.

Plus throw in some pictures of inflatables and you'll get a lot of bonus views!

[caveat lector 181]

Ethel Mertz!!!! I should have never questioned your TR Jedi type skills

Btw, I don't hate the word "amazing" as much when it's said with normal sequence. It's the genius that tries to add emphasis through syllable elongation.

[momof3kids-Yvonne 596]

I love Roger Rabbit!

Sequels are over done in my opinion. Very few are as good as the original. So, I think not doing a sequel for Who Framed Roger Rabbit was a smart decision.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

I always thought Jessica should have gotten her own sequel, or maybe a TV show.  Of course, in the way I'm picturing it, it would have to be on HBO.  

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Wow, what an update!

 

My head is spinning.

 

How many topics can you discuss in one post- I Love Lucy, Toy Story Midway Mania, Sanford and Son,  Mezzo Mix and the superiority of US currency  And more.  All in one post!

 

Go Troll, Go!

 

TCD

[Retired and Happy (Ken) 101]

Ok,  I give up.  I have been trying toi tie all that crap above together, then my brain snapped (it does that a lot reading Troll's reports) and I realized there was NOT a common theme going there.  It sorta reads like my 5th grade autobiography...lots of thoughts...no cohesive links.  But I'd whole lot rather read Troll's report than my 5th grade autobiography.  And I learned something...There's a Toy Story Ride?

 

Waiting for more...and more...and ...I think my brain snapped again.

[alexwyattmommy 181]

I vote for more Mrs. Troll.  She definitely classes up the TR.

[shoreline99 137]

Our double jogger got use long after it was needed to lug two kids around. 1 cranky kid + cooler on halloween allowed both the adults and the older siblings to enjoy the evening.

[The Troll 67]

If you want to get a higher view count, include more shots of the lovely Mrs Troll in the pictures. She classes them up. She's an all American tourist. Dressed appropriately and sensibly at all times. She's the type the Walt envisioned enjoying his creations.

Plus throw in some pictures of inflatables and you'll get a lot of bonus views!

 

Indeed. Mrs. Troll is lovely and full of class. Too good for TTRs!

 

Ethel Mertz!!!! I should have never questioned your TR Jedi type skills

 

 

It's pretty easy to squeeze just about anything into a TTR!

 

I love Roger Rabbit!

Sequels are over done in my opinion. Very few are as good as the original. So, I think not doing a sequel for Who Framed Roger Rabbit was a smart decision.

 

True. Sequels are over done. But just about every good Disney movie had a sequel -- even if it was just a straight-to-DVD sequel.

Aladdin? Check.

Beauty and the Beast? Check.

The Lion King? Check.

 

In fairness, it does appear "Roger Rabbit" has had a prequel/sequel in and out of planning for the past 20 years.

 

 

I always thought Jessica should have gotten her own sequel, or maybe a TV show.  Of course, in the way I'm picturing it, it would have to be on HBO.  

 

Yes. Definitely an underused character with lots of potential.

 

Wow, what an update!

 

My head is spinning.

 

How many topics can you discuss in one post- I Love Lucy, Toy Story Midway Mania, Sanford and Son,  Mezzo Mix and the superiority of US currency  And more.  All in one post!

 

Go Troll, Go!

 

TCD

 

Yep. Stream of consciousness. It's fun, isn't it?

 

Ok,  I give up.  I have been trying toi tie all that crap above together, then my brain snapped (it does that a lot reading Troll's reports) and I realized there was NOT a common theme going there.  It sorta reads like my 5th grade autobiography...lots of thoughts...no cohesive links.  But I'd whole lot rather read Troll's report than my 5th grade autobiography.  And I learned something...There's a Toy Story Ride?

 

Waiting for more...and more...and ...I think my brain snapped again.

 

Yeah, well, maybe. But admit it, as you read TTRs, you are asking yourself, "Hey, yeah, why does European money have Communist buildings on it?"

 

I vote for more Mrs. Troll.  She definitely classes up the TR.

 

She's the star of the show.

 

Our double jogger got use long after it was needed to lug two kids around. 1 cranky kid + cooler on halloween allowed both the adults and the older siblings to enjoy the evening.

 

Dislike.

[AC in A2......Aaron 693]

For mentioning "The Catch" you get mad props.

I have some paper FPs for Toy Story I can hook you up with.

[thecplusplusguy 7]

I'm tired after that section.  I may have to call in sick tomorrow to recover.

 

:faceplant2:

 

Dan

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

 

 

Now...this trip report already has over 9,000 views. But you see, there's this other trip reporter here on this site who dominates in the view category. And it's not fair. I would like nothing better than once, ONCE, overtake that guy in the views category. I'm tired of playing second/third fiddle.

 

So you know what I'm going to do?

 

Cheat!

 

Yep! I'm going to jumpstart a trip report by over 9,000 views by adding a brand new Troll Trip Report to an existing one! Isn't that brilliant?!

 

Now you might be thinking: "How petty! Who cares how many views a discussion board thread has?"

Answer: Me.

 

If my plan pans out, I'll have over 18,000 views and that will put me firmly in the top ten threads on this board.

 

So let's get started!

 

We're at the Fort for two weeks! You see, we will not come here in any month without an R in it, lest we boil in the Florida humidity, so we have to maximize the good months while we can. We were here in September. And now we're back!

 

 

 

OK Troll, I just finished my most recent TR.

 

I'm sitting in the clubhouse enjoying a cold one.  It looks like you are going to get pounded.  Again.

 

Now you need to finish up here, and let's see if you can do it.

 

For a while, you won't have to compete with a TDD TR. 

 

So get busy.

 

Bring on a rant.

 

You must have a few stored up just waiting to burst forth.

 

You must have another pine cone picture or something.

 

Let's go.

 

TCD

[caveat lector 181]

Oh,that is the sound of the gauntlet being thrown.

[FW Rendezvous 5]

I'm so sorry for coming into this so late, but dam!

This trip report is the one I've been destined to discover, I just sort of accidentally clicked on "click HERE to read it", and dam! All the wasted years.

I doo want to offer one thing, instead of using the despised word "amazing", I actually refer to the word they from the movie "The Bench Warmers", that word is "amazazing".

The Troll is saying all the things we're really thinking, but not uttering. We love disney deep down, maybe it's because we're from the 20th century, and have enough nostalgia still in our nostalgia tanks that it somehow overcomes the 21st century WDW issues. We all made fun of 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea ride, but when our kids first rode it, it was AMAZAZING to them. And when they closed it, then demolished it, it was so awful & sad.

Props to The Troll for being the Troll. You are a funny mfr!

[The Troll 67]

Thank you so much for the kind words and for reading! Your comment bubbled this report back to the top! Maybe it'll get a few more views and I can break 15,000! Ha ha.

[lightbikes 73]

I'm so sorry for coming into this so late, but dam!

This trip report is the one I've been destined to discover, I just sort of accidentally clicked on "click HERE to read it", and dam! All the wasted years.

I doo want to offer one thing, instead of using the despised word "amazing", I actually refer to the word they from the movie "The Bench Warmers", that word is "amazazing".

The Troll is saying all the things we're really thinking, but not uttering. We love disney deep down, maybe it's because we're from the 20th century, and have enough nostalgia still in our nostalgia tanks that it somehow overcomes the 21st century WDW issues. We all made fun of 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea ride, but when our kids first rode it, it was AMAZAZING to them. And when they closed it, then demolished it, it was so awful & sad.

Props to The Troll for being the Troll. You are a funny mfr!

 

 

I agree - thanks for bringing this trip report back up - it is a great trip report.

 

 

Thank you so much for the kind words and for reading! Your comment bubbled this report back to the top! Maybe it'll get a few more views and I can break 15,000! Ha ha.

 

 

 

 

Well you could keep adding to this one - I'll happily follow along.  Your analysis of the problems at WDW certainly mirrors the same ones we see.