The Trolls Return to the Fort

[momof3kids-Yvonne 596]

Did I read that right?

You and Mrs. Troll will be back in January.

The WW will be there in January. Hmmm I wonder if our paths will cross.

[The Troll 67]

We interrupt this regularly scheduled trip report for a random Troll Thought.

 

A few years ago, Mrs. Troll and I were not visitors of the Fort. I had spent my childhood vacationing there, but as an adult there was a long stretch where I didn't visit. Frankly, I didn't think Mrs. Troll would enjoy it much. But then I talked her in to giving it a try, and, well, the rest is history.

 

But in the interim when I was not visiting, I discovered the old message board and all the great photos people posted of the Fort and, in a way, it took me back. It was how I got my fix.

 

I've wondered it aloud before, but it's worth repeating -- I wonder how many other folks out there have visited the Fort but just haven't had the opportunity to get back in a long, long time?

 

In those folks' honor, I deliver you this, a panoramic shot of a spot in the Fort:

 

 

Coquina shell pad on the right, slimy canal on the left. Imagine boat horns gently sounding in the distance and layered on top of that, if you listen close, you can make out the sound of a classic steam train whistle...

[Travisma 1,317]

Time to be moving along!

Time to be moving along!

 

We're still on Tom Sawyer Island. I still have more photos of that to share, so let's get at it.

 

The fort on TSI could actually serve as a real fort in, say, the Civil War. It's got walkways and covered towers:

 

 

I always wondered about the use of wood when building forts back then. Wouldn't the enemy just set the walls on fire?

 

The TSI fort would also be effective against zombies, I think. So if the zompocolypse breaks out while you're visiting Disney, make your way over here. It's where I'll be. Someone be sure to bring some weapons.

 

Mrs. Troll was not interested in exploring the TSI fort. There she is, down there, sitting. She was hot:

 

 

There's a buoy out there in the river...or canal...or whatever it is:

 

 

 

Let's take a closer look at the buoy:

 

 

 

Crawdad Shoal. You talk about attention to detail! The only way you can see that little detail is with a zoom lens or if you cruise by it on the riverboat.

 

The Escape Tunnel is cool:

 

 

But you have to wonder how many guests' visit to the TSI fort is cut short when they wander down there, not realizing it takes you back out of the fort.

 

Mrs. Troll did not like the Escape Tunnel:

 

 

I think she felt claustrophobic.

 

Here we are, back on the dock, awaiting the raft:

 

 

If you're a veteran of Troll Trip Reports, you know I like to critique people's fashion choices. Let's do that right now. Check out this dude's shoes:

 

 

I often take pictures like these surreptitiously. I pretend I'm messing with the camera's settings, when I'm actually taking a picture of you so I can post a picture of you on the Internet and then make fun of you.

 

I wonder how big my crown is going to be when I get to heaven?

 

Anyway, see that normal foot in the normal New Balance shoe? That's my foot. See that uber-European shoe without laces with a foot in it without socks? That's NOT my foot. It was the foot of a 50-something dude with white hair. I don't think he was European, but maybe he was trying to be. I mean, why would you make that shoe choice when visiting a mega theme park like MK?

 

Can you imagine John Wayne wearing shoes like those?

 

Now we're cruising back across the river, bidding farewell to TSI and European shoe guy. For some odd reason, he chose not to accompany us back across on the raft. Instead he just sat on the bench in the waiting area for the raft, blocking other people who were waiting on the raft from sitting down.

 

Here we are, docking:

 

 

I don't know who all those people were, but I liked the colors of their shirts, so I snapped a photo specifically for your enjoyment.

 

I'm always looking out for my fellow Fiends.

 

More incredible attention to detail:

 

 

Notice the homemade toy boat. Stuff like this is what makes me love Disney World.

 

Damn I love this place.

 

OK, now we have another interesting wardrobe selection:

 

 

Skirt...check...shoes with heels...check...no socks...check...bloody blisters...arriving at five.

 

Look at dude next to her. See what he's wearing? Yep -- capri pants. You know what that means?

 

Europeans.

 

And when I say "European," I don't mean British.

 

British people are normal.

 

Their men tend not to wear capri pants.

 

Anyway, we decided at this point to go pay a visit to the pirates. So we're walking:

 

 

What is this:

 

 

Is it that pirate scavenger hunt thing?

 

When we arrived at the Pirates, we were dismayed to learn that the standby line extended outside the building. But it seemed to be moving quickly, so we gave it a try.

 

Here's a rarely photographed area:

 

 

It's the brush outside the queue area of Pirates.

 

Here's another sort of ignored detail:

 

 

And a lantern:

 

 

They sure have a lot of different types of lanterns at Disney World.

 

And light bulbs. I think I mave marveled over this in a previous report, but just think of all the light bulbs in MK alone. Think of all the bulbs on Main Street! There must be a light bulb warehouse somewhere underground where all the extra bulbs are stored. And there's a guy who runs it...keeping an inventory of all the different bulbs.

 

I mean, think about! It has to be true! As soon as a light bulb on Main Street burns out, boom! Someone replaces it immediately.

 

They have to have all those spare light bulbs somewhere. They can't just hop in a truck and drive to Walmart every time a bulb burns out.

 

You know, I've said it before, but I'll say it again -- I don't like the stupid redo of the Pirates ride. It was better the way it was before the Captain Sparrow BS. They tried to insert some bigger story into the pirate ride, but due to the way the boats move from scene to scene, the story doesn't really reveal itself. Johnny Depp is evidently hiding from something for some reason. That's all I can gather.

 

Then at the end of the ride he has all the treasure. Huh? Did I miss something?

 

Whatever.

 

It sucks.

 

Change it back.

 

After the pirate ride, we decided to exit stage left. Here we are, walking through the Emporium:

 

 

 

There sure are a lot of gift shops at Disney, all competing for your limited vacation dollars.

 

Wanna buy a stuffed dalmatian? They got 'em here. What will you do with it once you get home?

 

Um...stick it on a shelf to collect dust?

 

Money well spent!

 

If you think about it, stuffed dalmatians keep the world turning. Follow me here. My little niece wants a stuffed dalmatian. To get said dalmatian, I must work. Since everyone wants dalmatians, everyone works. We all then benefit from the fruits of our individual labors.

 

So, Disney, please continue to hawk stuffed dalmatians.

 

Otherwise, our economy will collapse.

 

Oh yeah!

 

They also sell Minnie Mouse bibs:

 

 

I forgot to mention that.

 

Still to come...much, much more Troll madness. What will the Troll rant about next? I don't know. Just tune in and find out.

Yup, I remember the bushes and the weird little window.

[thecplusplusguy 7]

What happened?  I hope everything is OK.  I'm going there in June and was hoping this report would be done by then.   :rofl2:

 

Dan

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

It is very un-Troll-like to leave us hanging.

[The Troll 67]

It is very un-Troll-like to leave us hanging.

 

OK...I'm sorry...

But I'm back!

 

Sorry for the very long delay. I've been consumed by other irons in the fire. But this trip report has gone too well for me to just abandon, so let's finish! It's always better late than never.

 

I know, I know...I said that already.

 

We last left off with Mrs. Troll and me paying a visit to MK.

 

Earlier in this report I mentioned how we're now big fans of the 900 loop. It's such a nice loop. And how cool is it that it backs up to the grand group camping area? Here are a few photos of our campsite. There was this nice tree right at the back of our pad:

 

 

Maybe I'm just very, very old school, but to me a campground isn't a camground without lots and lots of trees. I see these parking lots that people try to pass off as camgrounds and I'm like, "Yeah, right. Nice try. Oh, wait -- not a nice try. That was a bad try."

 

There's a very nice clearing under those trees that was perfect for our folding reclining chairs:

 

 

Here's another angle of that nice tree. Notice my little portable gas grill on the pad:

 

 

There are bicycles under this cover:

 

 

The green you can see in the distance is the dog walk:

 

 

Here's a closer look at said dog walk:

 

 

Here's another view. Notice how plush, green, and mowed the grass is:

 

 

Again, I wish I could get the grass in my backyard to grow this well.

 

And check this bad boy out:

 

 

How do you like that, Mr. Rent-a-Ranger? Guess you won't get to enjoy dousing my campfire this trip. No sirree!

 

Honestly, it's somewhat impractical for Mrs. Troll and I to bring a fire pit. We just aren't at the campsite at night often enough. We're always out at a park, looping, riding the monorail, or something else at night. But we had a campfire one night...and it was nicely undisturbed.

 

We decided to take the puppas for a golf cart ride:

 

 

Notice that fancy, shiny new bus:

 

 

We took the dogs to the "other" dog walk, despite the fact that we had a dog walk immediately behind our site:

 

 

 

Such a beautiful day:

 

 

Now I know it's not popular around these parts, but you just got to admit that this building is going to be nice:

 

 

And isn't amazing how fast they slapped that thing up? Seems just like yesterday a certain Fort Fiend was risking a felony by poking his camera lens through a privacy fence to snap a picture of a lot of moved dirt.

 

Now look at it.

 

We now have a guest appearance to this Troll Trip Report!

 

If you're a longtime veteran of Troll Trip Reports, you might recognize him. He is Andrew, the baby Troll...the Troll's great nephew. Only he's not a baby anymore:

 

 

You know how old Andrew is?

 

Four!

 

(Have I used that joke already in this report? Let's see if anyone gets it.)

 

He, his mom (Troll's niece), his dad, and someone else (yet to be revealed), paid us a visit during this trip.

 

The more the merrier, right?!

 

So I said someone else came along with them, right? You want to know who?

 

Well, have you ever seen a baby Troll? Well, here's one right now:

 

 

Her name is Olivia! And let me tell you, that little girl has absolutely captured my heart. She has earned a spot right next to my dog Zoe in my heart.

 

Oh, yeah, and Mrs. Troll.

 

Hmmm...Mrs. Troll might read this. Maybe I should erase that last part.

 

Nah.

 

Anyway, Andrew and little Olivia love the ponies at the Fort, so we always make it a point to take Andrew for a ride:

 

 

Olivia is still too little to ride.

 

But she will soon.

 

See, Fort Fiends? I'm doing my part in spreading the gospel of the Fort. I'm passing on the love to a new generation of Trolls. Someday Andrew and Olivia will bring their children to the Fort and tell them about all the great times they had here. Maybe Andrew and/or Olivia will write a future generation of Troll Trip Reports!

 

Well, so long as President Obama doesn't wreck the economy before then.

 

What? 

 

What's the matter? 

 

I didn't say anything.

 

Please, don't hate me. Here! Here's a picture of a four year old. That'll make you feel better about the President Obama joke:

 

 

Hey, I wonder if President Obama has ever been to Disney World?

 

Let's see...

 

Yep:

 

 

That's interesting spot for them to place the podium. He's at the end of Main Street. I wonder if he could smell the cookies baking at the bakery?

 

Or was the bakery already gutted to become a run-of-the-mill coffee shop by then? And did President Obama ride Splash Mountain? If he did, I hope he got splashed.

 

Anyway, let's get back to more important things. Like four-year-olds wearing steeplechase helmets:

 

 

 

Isn't this great?!?

 

Just think -- you could be wasting your time reading other junk like the Harvard Business Review, Smithsonian magazine, or National Geographic. Instead you're reading about trolls riding ponies and President Obama getting splashed on a log flume! Quality reading material.

[The Troll 67]

More to come! And I promise it won't take four weeks to get to it, either.

[AC in A2......Aaron 693]

Way to pass on the Fort to the next generation of Trolls!

That building still SMB though and I encourage you to take all little trolls to the lazy river for a group whizzing.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

My old eyes are incapable of reading very small font.  

 

If they could read small font, I would be  :rofl2: .

 

But since I couldn't read it, I'll just say "good update".  

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

A soft spot in your heart for children? You are losing your edge.

[momof3kids-Yvonne 596]

A soft spot in your heart for children? You are losing your edge.

 

I was thinking the same thing. 

[momof3kids-Yvonne 596]

They are adorable children.  

[Lou... 3,118]

Is it me, or does Andrew, right, resemble one of our grandkids, Ben, on the left?

 

[AC in A2......Aaron 693]

The truth is out. The Troll is actually Lou's son.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

The truth is out. The Troll is actually Lou's son.

 

That makes more sense than anything I've ever heard in my life.  

[Grumpy and Grandma 740]

The truth is out. The Troll is actually Lou's son.

That makes more sense than anything I've ever heard in my life.

Poor Troll. :rotfl6:

[The Troll 67]

Way to pass on the Fort to the next generation of Trolls!

That building still SMB though and I encourage you to take all little trolls to the lazy river for a group whizzing.

 

Yeah, we gotta get 'em hooked early! Although I don't think the Fort is having any trouble recruiting new fans!

 

My old eyes are incapable of reading very small font.  

 

If they could read small font, I would be  :rofl2: .

 

But since I couldn't read it, I'll just say "good update".  

 

Thank you! It's all meant in good fun, of course.

 

A soft spot in your heart for children? You are losing your edge.

 

Or I'm blowing my own cover.

 

They are adorable children.  

 

Thank you! They do have Troll blood in them, after all!

 

Is it me, or does Andrew, right, resemble one of our grandkids, Ben, on the left?

 

 

Yes, you're right, Lou! Striking resemblance.

 

The truth is out. The Troll is actually Lou's son.

 

Well...wait just a minute...

[The Troll 67]

OK, it's time to take another stroll with the Trolls!

 

And our good friend and honorary Troll Lou has joined the party!

 

Speaking of Lou, he and TCD paid us a visit while we were on this trip. Make no mistake -- if you don't know Lou, don't let his reputation here fool you. He's a great guy with a great personality and an awesome sense of humor. Very easy to talk to. I like Lou.

 

And you know what?

 

Lou confirmed every word about what I said about riding on the Disney buses.

 

Remember -- the Disney buses suck.

 

They suck!

 

Anyway, our plan for this day was to hit Epcot. Andrew and Olivia's parents had other plans, so we were on our own.

 

Here's a flower:

 

 

Yes, that was an entirely random thought, but I've found that a trip report cannot go more than three paragraphs without a photo without losing readers, so for those suffering from attention deficit, look at that pretty flower!

 

And here's two dogs sniffing for the perfect spot to poop:

 

 

Hey, how come dogs don't have to, you know, use Charmin?

 

They have those bears on those Charmin commercials who...you know.

 

Those commercials are gross.

 

Anyway, it's not like I'm complaining that dogs don't have to use Charmin. It's already enough that I have to pick up after them.

 

*Sigh*

 

A sad sight:

 

 

If you look closely, there appears to be a baboon's face in that tree stump. At least that's what my imagination sees.

 

Anyway, back to going to Epcot. We took the bus:

 

 

Welcome aboard! If you're standing, remember to hold the handrails...

 

Can't you hear that guy in your mind's ear right now?

 

It looks like the bus was empty, but no:

 

 

No one really good to make fun of in that photo. Damned people. Don't they know I need material? Bring me your weird tattoos, flip flops with socks, grown women in princess dresses, sunglasses worn on top of the head like a barrette, women from South America wearing 8 inch spike heels, the yoga pants that belong on women not wearing them...

 

Come on, people!

 

Step it up!

 

Looking for people to poke fun at on the Internet made the trip go faster. Here we are, right after disembarking:

 

 

Is it just me or does this also strike you as an oxymoron:

 

 

Dear nimrod Disney managers: There is no "future" Epcot! Epcot is the future, remember?

 

If you're a true blue Disney World fan, you know exactly where this is:

 

 

If you don't know where this is, you're a poseur. 

 

Mrs. Troll is pretty:

 

 

Bag check!

 

 

Isn't it sad that the bag check thing is, you know, like, a forever thing?

 

Stupid terrorists.

 

Hey, we're going to blow up your buildings because your women wear bikinis and drive cars!

 

What a great bunch of people.

 

Making me stand in line...

 

I hate these things:

 

 

Hate them.

 

And just think how hard it's going to be for them to jackhammer them up when they're finally full and Disney's made all the money there is to make off them.

 

I mean, really, what sucker mark would pay to get a digitized mini photo of himself on one of these?

 

Hurry up with the jack hammer already. Get rid of these eyesores.

 

There's a dude here on Fort Fiends who takes really good pictures. He has a much nicer camera than I do. He took a photo of his son holding a map with the geodesic sphere looming over him, so I decided to plagiarize him:

 

 

Ha ha, really nice camera guy!

 

This is oddly sort of nice:

 

 

Can you say Mezzo Mix:

 

 

Bring it!

 

Mezzo Mix! Mezzo Mix!

 

T minus 20 until Mezzo Mix:

 

 

Mezzo Mix!

 

Mezzo Mix!

 

19...

 

18...

 

17...

 

16...

 

 

Mmmmmm...that delectable German fusion of cola and orange flavors...

 

Going to taste so good pouring down my thirsty, dry throat...

 

So carbonated...

 

Mmmmmmmmmmm...

 

I pay $80 a person to get into theme park to pound back German soda...

 

Oh I can't wai...

 

 

Bullsh1t!

 

Are you effing kidding me?!?!!

 

No Mezzo Mix?!?

 

You have this watermelon crap:

 

 

But no Mezzo Mix?!

 

Eff you, Epcot manager guy, whoever you are.

 

You suck.

 

My day was ruined:

 

 

So while I was forced to drink the free watermelon crap, Mrs. Troll went and bought herself an icee:

 

 

I think she grew tired of me ranting about the missing Mezzo Mix.

 

I have a word to describe this next photo...

 

Blue:

 

 

I mean, seriously...look at all that blue. I did NOT Photoshop this, either.

 

OK, let's post this update so I can reset the photo count.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

I saw a baboon too.  

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

I know at least one Fiend who is on those sculptures.

[mouseketab.....Carol 1,261]

Me and Rick are on those sculptures. Also according to the fine print, they can bulldoze those any time they want now, even if they don't fill them up. (They aren't selling any more now anyway). The deal was they were going to be displayed "somewhere" on Disney property for 10 years (we bought in 2000), so the 10 years are up.

[The Troll 67]

Time for another panoramic shot!

 

[Travisma 1,317]

OK...I'm sorry...

But I'm back!

 

Sorry for the very long delay. I've been consumed by other irons in the fire. But this trip report has gone too well for me to just abandon, so let's finish! It's always better late than never.

 

I know, I know...I said that already.

 

We last left off with Mrs. Troll and me paying a visit to MK.

 

Earlier in this report I mentioned how we're now big fans of the 900 loop. It's such a nice loop. And how cool is it that it backs up to the grand group camping area? Here are a few photos of our campsite. There was this nice tree right at the back of our pad:

 

 

Maybe I'm just very, very old school, but to me a campground isn't a camground without lots and lots of trees. I see these parking lots that people try to pass off as camgrounds and I'm like, "Yeah, right. Nice try. Oh, wait -- not a nice try. That was a bad try."

 

There's a very nice clearing under those trees that was perfect for our folding reclining chairs:

 

 

Here's another angle of that nice tree. Notice my little portable gas grill on the pad:

 

 

There are bicycles under this cover:

 

 

The green you can see in the distance is the dog walk:

 

 

Here's a closer look at said dog walk:

 

 

Here's another view. Notice how plush, green, and mowed the grass is:

 

 

Again, I wish I could get the grass in my backyard to grow this well.

 

And check this bad boy out:

 

 

How do you like that, Mr. Rent-a-Ranger? Guess you won't get to enjoy dousing my campfire this trip. No sirree!

 

Honestly, it's somewhat impractical for Mrs. Troll and I to bring a fire pit. We just aren't at the campsite at night often enough. We're always out at a park, looping, riding the monorail, or something else at night. But we had a campfire one night...and it was nicely undisturbed.

 

We decided to take the puppas for a golf cart ride:

 

 

Notice that fancy, shiny new bus:

 

 

We took the dogs to the "other" dog walk, despite the fact that we had a dog walk immediately behind our site:

 

 

 

Such a beautiful day:

 

 

Now I know it's not popular around these parts, but you just got to admit that this building is going to be nice:

 

 

And isn't amazing how fast they slapped that thing up? Seems just like yesterday a certain Fort Fiend was risking a felony by poking his camera lens through a privacy fence to snap a picture of a lot of moved dirt.

 

Now look at it.

 

We now have a guest appearance to this Troll Trip Report!

 

If you're a longtime veteran of Troll Trip Reports, you might recognize him. He is Andrew, the baby Troll...the Troll's great nephew. Only he's not a baby anymore:

 

 

You know how old Andrew is?

 

Four!

 

(Have I used that joke already in this report? Let's see if anyone gets it.)

 

He, his mom (Troll's niece), his dad, and someone else (yet to be revealed), paid us a visit during this trip.

 

The more the merrier, right?!

 

So I said someone else came along with them, right? You want to know who?

 

Well, have you ever seen a baby Troll? Well, here's one right now:

 

 

Her name is Olivia! And let me tell you, that little girl has absolutely captured my heart. She has earned a spot right next to my dog Zoe in my heart.

 

Oh, yeah, and Mrs. Troll.

 

Hmmm...Mrs. Troll might read this. Maybe I should erase that last part.

 

Nah.

 

Anyway, Andrew and little Olivia love the ponies at the Fort, so we always make it a point to take Andrew for a ride:

 

 

Olivia is still too little to ride.

 

But she will soon.

 

See, Fort Fiends? I'm doing my part in spreading the gospel of the Fort. I'm passing on the love to a new generation of Trolls. Someday Andrew and Olivia will bring their children to the Fort and tell them about all the great times they had here. Maybe Andrew and/or Olivia will write a future generation of Troll Trip Reports!

 

Well, so long as President Obama doesn't wreck the economy before then.

 

What? 

 

What's the matter? 

 

I didn't say anything.

 

Please, don't hate me. Here! Here's a picture of a four year old. That'll make you feel better about the President Obama joke:

 

 

Hey, I wonder if President Obama has ever been to Disney World?

 

Let's see...

 

Yep:

 

 

That's interesting spot for them to place the podium. He's at the end of Main Street. I wonder if he could smell the cookies baking at the bakery?

 

Or was the bakery already gutted to become a run-of-the-mill coffee shop by then? And did President Obama ride Splash Mountain? If he did, I hope he got splashed.

 

Anyway, let's get back to more important things. Like four-year-olds wearing steeplechase helmets:

 

 

 

Isn't this great?!?

 

Just think -- you could be wasting your time reading other junk like the Harvard Business Review, Smithsonian magazine, or National Geographic. Instead you're reading about trolls riding ponies and President Obama getting splashed on a log flume! Quality reading material.

 

=======================================================================================

 

We just recently started "real" camping again.  Been to the Fort 3 times, and each time the grandkids have been with us.

 

THEY LOVE IT.  In fact our 4year old Olivia said it was the best thing she did last year and is waiting to go again.  We got various camping related items from their moms for Christmas including a bank to save for our next trip. My other daughter got us a personalized door mat showing us and the grandkids camping.

 

Hate the helmets.  Our previous day trip over there they didn't have them.  This time Olivia had to wear one.  My other granddaughter was an unhappy camper, she's now too tall to ride the ponies!

 

I just hope that the Fort management remembers that it's a campground and not just another tacky resort.  We go there to enjoy the Disney experience AND nature.

 

Hope they start cracking down on some of the rules also.

 

Troll, back to you...

[The Troll 67]

I forgot to mention in my Mezzo Mix Mania that it was also the Food & Wine thing at Epcot.

 

Pretty clever, the Food & Wine thing.

 

Evil Disney Exec Who Built Such Abominations as that NASCAR Track and the Ultra Boring Winnie the Pooh Ride: "Let's set up additional food booths with tiny portions of food priced sky high at Epcot!"

 

Younger, Not So Evil Disney Exec: "But sir! There are already plenty of international dining options at Epcot!"

 

EDEWBSAATNTATUBWTPR: "Yeah, well, then there'd be more of them! Those suckers! They'll pay for anything! They'll want a sample of each country's food and pay $10 per pop!"

 

YNSEDE: "But sir...will our valued guests have enough money?"

 

EDEWBSAATNTATUBWTPR: "They have credit cards! I want those suckers to wear the numbers off their plastic! Look, kid, if you're going to work here, you have a lot to learn!"

 

So, you know, it's such an obvious rook. Who would be so dumb to pay for some tiny smidgen of food from one of those booths when, you know, you're in Orlando? You can easily get the real deal -- Argentine food, Cuban food, Korean food, Japanese food -- outside Disney property at a legit restaurant for a quarter of the price!

 

Such suckers. If you keep buying this crap, you're just enabling them. They will continue to rip customers off. If everyone would just band together and boycott this, Disney wouldn't be able to separate people from their hard-earned money so easily. 

 

Oh, hey, check this out:

 

 

Mmmmmmmmmm...

 

Meat...

 

Argentine meat with green stuff on it...

 

Mmmmmmmmmm...

 

I love Disney World.

 

The Argentine booth had two choices: meat on a stick and meat in a pastry.

 

I couldn't decide which one I wanted.

 

So I got both.

 

Such a bright, vivid day:

 

 

Here is, quite possibly, the biggest waste of real estate on earth:

 

 

It's called the Odyssey. It's weird. I'm fascinated by this thing, whatever it is.

 

It was a restaurant once.

 

But now it joins the ignominious pantheon of abandoned-and-not-properly-demolished attractions along with River Country, the Discovery Island shipwreck, the weird "cabin" thing by the dam, and the sky lift building in Fantasyland.

 

It's like, you know, they could sell food and stuff in that Odyssey.

 

It reminds me of the Tomorrowland Terrace -- only even more abandoned and underutilized.

 

Maybe they should change the name. "Odyssey" sucks.

 

And make the building look like something.

 

I found Nemo:

 

 

Barely a cloud in the sky:

 

 

There's a white, puffy cloud behind the monorail...er...um...rail:

 

 

 

You know what also sucks?

 

Illuminations.

 

Faux fireworks show thing.

 

Boring digital scoreboard globe thing.

 

It feels Communist when I watch it.

 

You know -- remember how, like, when some international ripoff of the Olympics like "The Goodwill Games" were hosted in a Communist country and the Communists tried to trick us into believing that Communist countries were, like, you know, good, they would put on these strange, over the top, ultra choreographed shows with dancers and streamers and stuff?

 

You know what I'm talking about?

 

If you're under 40, probably not.

 

But old guys like me, Lou, TCD, and Devores surely do.

 

Anyway, Illuminations is just like that -- a stilted, creepy, propaganda show.

 

Illuminations...we are all one happy global family...working in concert and harmony...harmony in one...one in combined harmony...harmony in fidelity...moving ever forward...forward ever in global harmony...

 

Where's effing Goofy, beyotches?

 

Just give me a damn Goofy in a spacesuit holding sparklers!

 

And then fire off some big ass kaboom fireworks -- you know, the ones that don't do anything but make a huge concussive noise -- to disturb the "native" Orlandoids. That way the Orlandoids will file complaints with their pitiful local Orlandoid government about how the Disney "mega corporation" is disturbing their peace, mindlessly not realizing that if it weren't for Disney World...

 

There would be no damned Orlando!

 

You know, you know that when I said, "Goofy in a spacesuit," you knew exactly what I was talking about. A thought bubble appeared over your head and he appeared in it. It looked like this:

 

 

 

See? That's purely, 100% American.

 

This, on the other hand, is Communist:

 

 

 

Here's something else American:

 

 

Beer!

 

Now that's something I bet the Communists were not good at -- making beer. Well, that, and, you know, keeping the lights on and feeding people.

 

Let's take a sip:

 

 

 

Now before you try to say, "Well, Mr. Troll, Germans make good beer and East Germany was Communist," realize East Germany doesn't count. They were forced into the Communist thing.

 

I wonder how that worked? Did the old German breweries established 600 years ago continue to operate under the fail Communist regime?

 

I like this guy's shirt:

 

 

He gets this trip's Troll Award!

 

Congratulations, realistic-down-to-earth-guy!

 

Running does suck!

 

Hey, have you noticed these stupid numbers that people are sticking on their car rear windows now?

 

This:

 

 

I didn't know what these were for the longest time until Mrs. Troll told me.

 

Allegedly, it's the number of miles the car's driver completed in a marathon.

 

I have a few observations about this:

 

1. I call bullsh--! No, you did not run this. At best, you walked it. And you probably didn't do that, either. Considering the mad proliferation of these number-in-a-circle stickers, I seriously, seriously doubt there are that many human beings on earth who can run 26.2 miles. So, Mr. Number in a Circle Guy, you're full of it. You're a liar.

 

2. Typically these number-in-a-circle stickers are right next to a Salt Life sticker. Why is that? Who started the Salt Life thing and why are there so many rubes who fell into it? I mean, what does that even mean, "Salt Life"?

 

3. Even if you did run 26.2 miles, why put a sticker on your car, of all things?

 

4. Why is it 26.2 miles? Why not just 26? I mean, is that .2 what separates the men from the boys?

 

5. Running sucks. It's boring, tedious, painful, and extremely bad for your knee and hip joints.

 

So that guy's shirt entirely and effectively summed up my sentiments about the 26.2 sticker. Thanks, dude! Come sit with me and enjoy a beer.

[caveat lector 181]

I'll take a shot at #4. I could probably just google it, but I'll work from memory.

The Olympics are descended from Greece. 26.2 miles is the distance between 2 places that a Greek messenger ran to announce that the Persians had been defeated in war. I think the legend also said the messenger died after the announcement. Which plays nicely into the guys "running sucks" shirt. :)

I've probably misstated a lot of facts, but it's only legend anyway.