The Trolls Return to the Fort

[momof3kids-Yvonne 596]

I've learned something new from a Troll TR. I had never heard of Ron Swanson.

I didn't say I had learned something useful. Just new.

I had never heard of him before either.

Also never knew there was a Troll Jr. Are there more Troll children that have been kept hidden?

[BigTom 76]

I am in on the mufflers for the race cars. Sign my name big so they can read it without their cheaters.

[The Troll 67]

Wait, so no good stories about a 4 yr old spilling something on your shoes? A random puddle splashing date with the Mrs?

 

No. Sorry. As I said, no four-year-olds allowed in this report.

 

 

Did it feel strange being on top of those bridges? Did you have the urge to hang out under them awhile :rofl3:

 

While we live under the bridge, we do have to come out and go on top to sweep them off and maintain them, from time to time. Otherwise, no one will come to cross.

 

I'm so late but I'm here. I was going to add a duck face photo, but now that I see that exposing unbuff pecs is the new "in thing" I will have to think of something else. 

 

We stayed at CS on our honeymoon in 1999 and loved it. 

 

Rant on!

 

I'm so glad you're here! Late is always better than never. And don't worry...there will be duck face photos later on in the report!

 

Nice. First you use garish and then move on to verdant.

Me thinks that a thesaurus and copious amounts of adults beverages have intersected.

Ron Swanson strikes me as a dude that is comfortable in his own skin. His daily decision making process revolves around some well thought out, somewhat rigid principles. He doesn't know what the top of a fence feels like, because he's never "ridden" one. He definitely has opinions, but only speaks if solicited.

 

That's a little known fact about us trolls -- we have good vocabularies.

 

Wow. I kept waiting for the bomb to drop and for a Troll Rant^TM related to the Coronado Springs Resort. How strange to hear that the Troll actually likes something.

 

Aside from the sunglasses (and maybe an extra pair of Troll Socks), exactly what the heck is Mrs. Troll lugging around in that backpack of hers?  She looks like a Sherpa.

 

 

You really need to watch the show some time.  I think the character is a parody, but I don't think they are denigrating libertarians.  It is more of a commentary on government waste.

 

Agreed.  Ron Swanson seems to have strong opinions about many things, but doesn't seem to have any desire to debate them.

 

TCD

 

Yes, you're right -- I have to be careful about heaping praise on something. I don't want to ruin my image.

 

I've learned something new from a Troll TR.  I had never heard of Ron Swanson. 

 

I didn't say I had learned something useful.  Just new. 

 

And the Troll was not the one who imparted it.

 

I had never heard of him before either.

Also never knew there was a Troll Jr. Are there more Troll children that have been kept hidden?

 

There is only one Troll, Jr. There are many nephew/niece trolls, though. Some will be making cameos in this report.

 

I am in on the mufflers for the race cars. Sign my name big so they can read it without their cheaters.

 

Excellent. So that's two signers so far! We're making progress.

[caveat lector 181]

I've learned something new from a Troll TR.  I had never heard of Ron Swanson. 

 

I didn't say I had learned something useful.  Just new.

I typically reserve "useful" for situations which help to pay the mortgage. I have so few.....

[The Troll 67]

Let's carry on!

 

I have lots more Coronado photos to share:

 

 

 

The pool area is called "The Dig Site":

 

 

The focal point is an Aztec pyramid. Or maybe it's Mayan. To be honest, I don't really know the difference between the two.

 

Let's take a closer look:

 

 

Notice the water is flowing down the pyramid steps and dumps into the pool. How cool is that? Someone very smart thought that up.

 

Did you hear that just a couple months ago, workers in Belize smashed a 2,300 year old Mayan pyramid for rock for a road they were building? Believe it or not, it's true. Nitwits.

 

Notice the lush foliage behind that guy looking at his smart phone:

 

 

I bet that guy had no idea when he woke up that day, his bare naked chest would be snapped in a photo by a troll and then posted on the Internet for the world to see. I wonder how many pictures I'm in on the Internet that I don't know about? Considering how many times I unwittingly walk in front of someone taking a family photo at Disney, I bet it's a lot. I wonder if that guy writes trip reports and says things about me, like, "And look at this jackass who just walked into the middle of my photo!"?

 

Here' another pool photo:

 

 

Notice that pool parties are not a Fort-only phenomenon. That girl from Upper Western Illinois State will soon be officiating a game of Monsters and Cowboys.

 

Also notice the totem pole is squirting water.

 

There's also a volleyball court attached to the "Dig Site":

 

 

The volleyball courts at Disney are very seldom used, but they look good, and they're a selling point. Visitors passing by all say, "Oh, look! They have a volleyball court! We can bring the family and play volleyball!"

 

And then never do.

 

For some reason, the Mayans/Aztecs worshiped snakes:

 

 

Isn't that funny? In the Judeo/Christian world, snakes are reviled as the most evil of creatures. But the Aztecs/Mayans made statues of them and glorified them.

 

Odd.

 

Maybe they were afraid of the snakes?

 

That reminds me -- I had to kill a snake in my front yard right before we left for this trip. I was afraid the snake would bite the Troll dogs, so he met the sharp end of a shovel. I sure hope the Aztecs/Mayans were wrong about snakes being gods.

 

I sure hope everyone is enjoying these photos, but they just don't do the place justice:

 

 

There's a full bar attached to the pool:

 

 

That way you can get snockered while your two-year-olds have a nice swim.

 

Like Black Socks at the Pool Guy:

 

 

There's a hot tub:

 

 

I'm not much of a hot tub sort of guy. 1) I don't like hot and 2) I don't like herpes.

 

But, hey, if you're a Herpes kind of guy, have at it. There's surely lots swimming around in there.

 

Ahhh...green:

 

 

They need some water slides and swings that dump into this lake. That would make the Coronado complete:

 

 

Look at these things:

 

 

Mrs. Troll says they're called Birds of Paradise because, well, they look like birds.

 

Such nice colors. Look at those archways:

 

 

Oh, by the way, to answer the TDD guy's question, Mrs. Troll has a lot stuffed in that backpack: Ponchos, Shout stain wipes, sunblock, hand lotion, water bottle, a compass, emergency snacks, IDs, room keys, sunglasses, band aids, possibly an inflatable raft.

 

Mrs. Troll is always prepared. She hates not having something. She almost never says, "Oh! You know what I forgot to pack?" One time I asked her, "Leslie, why are there two crockpots in the camper?" and her reply was, "Just in case."

 

And this, fiends, is the final photo in the Coronado Springs photo set:

 

 

So, what grade does the Coronado Springs resort get, in the Troll Book of Grades?

 

A+.

 

The highest grade a resort can get from the Troll. And that puts it in very exclusive company. Only the Wilderness Lodge ranks an A+ in the Troll Book of Grades. Not even the Fort scores an A+...not anymore, anyway. It used to, back when there was a moose topiary, totem poles, a cafeteria, themed playgrounds, lot of shrubbery, and no racecar.

 

Needless to say, Mr. and Mrs. Troll are considering the Coronado Springs for their next anniversary.

 

OK! What's up next? We take a tour of a shwanky DVC, that's what!

[h2odivers...Ray 952]

Thanks for the review of CS.

I've only seen it from a bus.

FYI. The Aztecs, maya, and incas all built pyramids. But that looks like the Mayan pyramid at chichen itza.

[mommy rainbo.....Bo 41]

I stayed at CS back in 95. It was great then. We had a great time. Loved the pepper market, so did the hubs. He was able to get prime rib almost every night for dinner. They also has a frozen margarita station in there, with to go mugs, yummy.

[CCIntrigue...aka Gwen 547]

I've learned something new from a Troll TR.  I had never heard of Ron Swanson. 

 

I didn't say I had learned something useful.  Just new. 

 

I'm glad not to be the only person to have never heard of Ron Swanson!

 

Great CS pictures.  But we would never stay there simply b/c of the location.  It's too far away from MK.

[Laura 17]

Wow, I am sold on CS now! Great pictures, thanks for sharing!  I have never seen it before.

[alexwyattmommy 181]

What kind of sauce comes with chichen itza?  Is that stuff baked or deep fried?

 

The photos definitely sell the place.  I like the theme and details.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

What kind of sauce comes with chichen itza?  Is that stuff baked or deep fried?

 

 

 

You have your choice of any of the standard Chick Fil A sauces.  Personally, I find the Polynesian sauce compliments the flavor of the Chicken Itza best. 

[Helmsey......Todd 134]

Let's take a closer look:

 

 

 

 

This gets my vote for worst water slide ever!! 

 

Sorry, carry on  O0

[DaveInTN 3,247]

This gets my vote for worst water slide ever!! 

 

Sorry, carry on  O0

 

You're right. 

 

THIS is a proper Mayan water slide.

 

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

I've learned something new from a Troll TR.  I had never heard of Ron Swanson. 

 

I didn't say I had learned something useful.  Just new. 

 

Nick Offerman, the actor who plays Ron Swanson, is a funny guy.

 

This is a clip that showcases his humor, from the Jimmy Kimmel show in August:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLevdqcOEIM

 

He's going to be performing at FSU's version of Gator Growl this year.  I am going to try to go.

 

TCD

[The Troll 67]

Thanks for the review of CS.

I've only seen it from a bus.

FYI. The Aztecs, maya, and incas all built pyramids. But that looks like the Mayan pyramid at chichen itza.

 

You're welcome for the review! Mayans were good pyramid builders, but Disney is so much better.

 

I stayed at CS back in 95. It was great then. We had a great time. Loved the pepper market, so did the hubs. He was able to get prime rib almost every night for dinner. They also has a frozen margarita station in there, with to go mugs, yummy.

 

Free refills?

 

I'm glad not to be the only person to have never heard of Ron Swanson!

 

Great CS pictures.  But we would never stay there simply b/c of the location.  It's too far away from MK.

 

Just drive your POV! No buses.

 

Wow, I am sold on CS now! Great pictures, thanks for sharing!  I have never seen it before.

 

It's definitely at a minimum taking a tour of it.

 

What kind of sauce comes with chichen itza?  Is that stuff baked or deep fried?

 

The photos definitely sell the place.  I like the theme and details.

 

Agree. The theming of the place is marvelous.

 

This gets my vote for worst water slide ever!! 

 

Sorry, carry on  O0

 

No doubt. Stupid Mayans.

 

Nick Offerman, the actor who plays Ron Swanson, is a funny guy.

 

This is a clip that showcases his humor, from the Jimmy Kimmel show in August:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLevdqcOEIM

 

He's going to be performing at FSU's version of Gator Growl this year.  I am going to try to go.

 

TCD

 

I'm gonna have to check this guy out!

[The Troll 67]

OK, you know what time it is?

It's Troll Time!

Let's get started.

I hope everyone enjoyed my review of the Coronado. I've been taking too much heat of late for being too negative, so all that positivity I poured out to the CS should make me good for the rest of the report. That means I have a free ticket to really let the negativity, pessimism, and cynicism flow!

And you know where we're headed next?

A DVC!

Yeah, baby! I am going to verbally burn a DVC up!

You know, Mrs. Troll and I get these postcards in the mail that say that if you go to this presentation of some "real estate opportunity," you get cool free stuff like a cruise, airline tickets, or a trip to Las Vegas. The postcard says, "NOT a timeshare!" If you call and ask what it is, the girl on the phone says it's a "vacation club."

In other words, folks, a timeshare. You see, too many people got wise to the timeshare scam, so they won't go to the sales presentations if they hear the word "timeshare," so the timeshare hustlers simply adopted a new term: "Vacation club." Disney threw the "Disney" in front of that and you get "Disney Vacation Club,' which is just a euphemism for timeshare.

What a bunch of sooners.

So what DVC shall we be touring?

Saratoga Springs.

Disney has too much crap with the word "springs" in it. Coronado Springs, Indian Springs, Saratoga Springs...and next, Disney Springs.

What's Disney Springs, you ask? Well, if you haven't heard, Downtown Disney will soon be no more. It will soon be replaced by Disney Springs, According to Disney, Disney Springs will be "a timeless, vibrant place where Walt Disney World guests and local residents can relax, shop, dine and be entertained in an imaginative setting where they'll instantly feel at home."

Um, couldn't you use that description for the existing Downtown Disney?

Whatever.

Back to the DVC hate.

Mrs. Troll and I decided to tour the Saratoga Springs joint. Let's explore.

Here's Mrs. Troll as we've just departed the parking lot:

And they have a fountain:

Now check this story out. While we were touring the Saratoga Springs joint, the DVC hustlers perhaps committed the biggest fail of all hustler history. Allow me to describe.

In my last report, I documented how the DVC hucksters stand at the little stations, all by themselves, and pray that some sucker victims walk up and ask about DVCs. They then can turn on their high pressure sales pitch, sell a DVC membership, and make the rent for the month. And that means their girlfriend doesn't leave them for another month. Yay!

So against this backdrop, Mrs. Troll and I accidentally walked into the DVC showcase center. We thought it was the Saratoga Springs lobby, which, um, it wasn't. It was the DVC peddlers' den. It was their snake pit, the focal point of their hunting grounds. When we walked in, there were six -- yes, SIX -- of those fast-talkers, all standing behind a counter. And evidently we took all six of them by surprise, as they were completely shocked when we just walked through the door.

I guess no one had ever been dumb enough to just walk into their cave voluntarily.

The head hustler struggled to find words: "Um, you guys look lost," he said to us.

Evidently we either A) didn't look like could afford a DVC or didn't look dumb enough to buy one, as ordinarily a free walk in is a salesman's dream.

"Well, there's really nothing in here to see, guys," he said.

I couldn't believe it! Here I was, the caveman who stupidly walked right into the saber toothed tiger's cave, and the tiger was just going to let me walk out alive!

"OK, thanks!" I said quickly as I pivoted on my heel to grab the door handle and escape before they snapped out of their shocked stupor.

Phew! That was close!

Anyway, they have a really posh fitness club at this joint that hardly anyone uses:

But, see, because they have this fitness center you can say to yourself, "Oh, look! When I come here to use up all my DVC points for the year to get a three night stay, I can really get in great shape in those three days!"

Here's the actual gym part:

They have these outside of DVC's. They're called 24 Hour Fitness. They're in strip malls all across America.

There was another pool party about to kick off:

Only problem was, there were no annoying kids to actually populate the party.

But the college interns were standing by, ready:

The DVCers at this resort do get a really nice pool:

And they had this weird original shop where they combined a food court with a gift shop:

Lots of cookies for sale:

Ha ha ha! Now I ask you, who would be such a rube to actually buy one of these:

I guess it's like anything else -- a status symbol. Conspicuous consumption. Never heard the concept "conspicuous consumption"? You should Google it. Interesting concept.

Check this out:

It's a shampoo bottle. A tester shampoo bottle.

Um...where do I go to use the tester shampoo? Should I go wash my hair in the water fountain? And notice a good amount of the bottle is missing. So someone is definitely testing it somewhere.

Look at this:

How very creative. How very different. How very unique.

How very ugly.

I mean, damn, that sucks. What is all that? It just a bunch of stained glass crap next to light bulbs. Fail.

Lobby:

Nice, but nothing to write home about. i've seen Country Inns & Suites that look this good.

But hey, if you sign up for this DVC, you get this guy:

Meh:

They have this on display:

Next to it is a sign that says if you want to ride in it, you have to go over to the Fort or the moderate resort known as Port Orleans.

Ha ha, suckers!

Don't believe me? Here's the sign:

This bronze statue is pretty cool:

This was kind of odd:

They have this theater at the Saratoga Springs DVC, so Mrs. Troll and I peeked inside. Sure enough, they had ballet people practicing in there.

I bet that show packs the house.

You know, if your "art form" draws less of a crowd than "Sesame Street on Ice," you probably should pack it in.

Any ballet fans reading along?

So far I've managed to offend President Obama fans and ballet fans.

Somehow I suspect those groups are pretty much one and the same.

Ha ha! Kidding...kidding...seriously...just kidding.

I like ballet...and President Obama.

Oh, wait, what? What did I just say?

Let's move on.

Here's something I do like:

Donald Duck rules.

He rules!

Donald Duck for president.

The SS has one of those pools you wade into:

Here's a nice, plain, nothing-spectacular building:

But the landscaping is nice:

And now, drumroll please, I present to you...this:

It's the DVC roundup fleet! This is what the DVC hustlers use to round up the DVC victims in! Look how many there are! It's an entire motor pool! The US Army could invade Syria with all those vans!

OK, bottom line, this place sucks. I mean, it wasn't awful, but it wasn't jaw dropping, either. It was blah. The buildings were all just too plain and drab. The entire property had that weird, out-of-sorts feel to it that I mentioned in an earlier installment. If you've never toured this place, skip it. Don't waste your time.

Up next, we head back to the Fort.

[LONE-STAR 370]

We have stayed at SS and we really liked it. It had a very clean country club feel to it.

[Beckers 1,136]

Got to say I am pro Troll rant, not really feeling Troll positivity. I'm glad you are done being positive!

[h2odivers...Ray 952]

What's with the sooner reference?

Beach Club has a similar food court gift shop combo thing.

Nice save. Saying that Donald rules. We all know that you loved watching the little booger eating bed wetters playing in the Donald Duck fountain.

The pool does look really nice.

[h2odivers...Ray 952]

Boomer! Sooner!

Ghost of KFK strikes again.

[Thrill Shakespeare (Andy) 58]

I think you found one of the theatres Disney uses for their arts programs. Outside groups (often schools) perform in various places across property. Our chorus performed at the SS venue for a music festival a few years back. I thought they got the short end of the stick. Imagine thinking you are performing in a park and instead you wind up st SS. Disappointing.

Which is my general feeling about SS in general.

Rant on!

[jjbescher 17]

As an owner of Saratoga Springs points, I would agree with the Troll.  I love the honesty of your reports.  I do not want to hear that everything is great, when it is not.  If I wanted to hear that I would go ask for a DVC video or a video made from Disney on the parks.  The resort is nothing special.  However, it is one of the biggest resorts and therefore most of the time has availability.  Which is nice when you have points available and need to get a room last minute.

 

The food at Artists Palette is one of the better Quick Service places.  They just redid the spa, the gym does not seem to have changed.

 

The rooms are nothing special, also they have made more of the pools have features so that the main pool does not get so crowded.  I know it has 3 total themed pools.  I have not been to the others yet, but have not stayed there in a while.

 

In list of DVC Resorts at WDW for me it would go Beach Club, Bay Lake, Wilderness Lodge, Old Key West, Saratoga, Boardwalk.  We have not stayed at Animal Kingdom or Grand Floridian, but these most likely will go before Saratoga.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Disney has too much crap with the word "springs" in it. Coronado Springs, Indian Springs, Saratoga Springs...and next, Disney Springs.

 

 

I wonder how many people caught the Indian Springs reference?

 

I did.

 

Nicely played.

 

TCD

[MetalDad 33]

I wonder how many people caught the Indian Springs reference?

 

I did.

 

Nicely played.

 

TCD

 

Can't forget Radiator Springs

[Beckers 1,136]

Can't forget Radiator Springs

That one I get. Don't get Indian Springs