The Trolls Return to the Fort

[h2odivers...Ray 952]

When we stayed at POFQ we just took the boat to DTD for most dinners or went to POR to the TS restaraunt. Which IMHO was pretty good and next to the Lounge

[mommy rainbo.....Bo 41]

No real comments other than RANT Troll RANT. Back to your regularly scheduled trip report.

[Memphis 105]

Great report and sorry about all the rain. (Not that I had anything to do with it) Been sitting here at home watching the pool overflow thinking about the folks at the fort and in the parks.

[The Troll 67]

Ironically, after our horrible Sassagoula experience last year, we wandered into the gift shop to wait out a huge downpour as well.  Only, after the rain let up a bit, all we had to do was walk to our car and make the short 10 minute ride back to our campsite at the Fort. 

 

Yes, I'm rubbing that in. 

 

Oh, and that crap on the shelf at the gift shop looks like Vinylmation.  Another of Disney's ideas that look incredibly stupid on the surface, but somehow have raked in millions for the company and got some manager promoted to Chief Something Officer. 

 

Thanks, yes, we've learned our lesson about the buses. The only time we'll take one is if we planning on having Happy Hour at our intended destination.

 

. In my experience the French donuts and elephant ears were similar. I am a funnel cake girl myself- less chewy and easier/less messy to eat. Of course I would have trouble turning down much of anything deep fried and covered in powdered sugar...

 

Agree. I saw elephant ears at Epcot today and they were awfully tempting.

 

I love the raindrop picture! And now I need a drink.

 

What is it with Vinylmation? We like pretty much anything Disney, but this I do not understand. My daughter who is a toy monger does not even take a second look at them. They are not pleasing to look at. And what DO you do with them? Put them on a shelf? My house gets so dusty they would look like vinyl yetis within a month.  I have been wondering if these were geared towards the Asian crowd?  I have a girlfriend who just loves them, I am going to ask her if it is an Asian thing.....

 

Agree...Vinalmation sucks. They had one of some character wearing a floaty ring with the River Country logo on it. That was kind of cool...but a bit strange. Why, other than nostalgia purposes, would you advertise a defunct waterpark?

 

Love following along Troll. One comment. You were at POFQ. Not POR. Dont want to confuse some poor readers. The food court at POR does not SMB. They do not have the beignets there but they do have a great variety of food.  

 

You're right. Typo on my part. I wasn't thinking.

 

Agreed.  I think one of the reasons I was so unimpressed with Floatworks is because of how pleased I was with the Riverside Mill.  And they do have a muffuletta if you need a taste of a New Orleans classic.

 

Well, now, again, how does the muffaletta measure up to the real deal in New Orleans?

 

One of my favorite features. Load that thing up and it is more than enough to split. 

 

Shame on you.

 

When we stayed at POFQ we just took the boat to DTD for most dinners or went to POR to the TS restaraunt. Which IMHO was pretty good and next to the Lounge

 

I like lounges.

 

No real comments other than RANT Troll RANT. Back to your regularly scheduled trip report.

 

More rants are on the way!

 

 

Great report and sorry about all the rain. (Not that I had anything to do with it) Been sitting here at home watching the pool overflow thinking about the folks at the fort and in the parks.

 

 

Thanks for reading along. Fortunately, knock on wood, it seems the rain has let up.

[The Troll 67]

Welcome back!

 

Or, as the DVC "security guards" would say, "Welcome home!"

 

When we last left off, Mrs. Troll and I were enjoying a $20 happy hour at Crockett's magical porch. It was raining, and we were wet. My shoes were water logged. We were cold and wanting hot showers.

 

But before we departed, I snapped a few more interesting pictures.

 

One loyal Troll Trip Report reader requested hairy troll legs up on the porch hand rail. Well, here you go:

 

 

More raindrops captured in flight:

 

 

Note that it was not nighttime. It's just so dark because I had to set my shutter to 1/2000 a second to capture the rain hanging in midair this way.

 

Sweet! Look who it is! I know it's dark, but look closely:

 

 

It's Baby Harness Guy!

 

Who's Baby Harness Guy, you ask? Well, if you are asking that question, you need to go back and read my previous trip report: http://www.fortfiends.net/forum/topic/9844-the-trolls-invade-the-fort/.

 

In a nutsell, Baby Harness Guy is the defeated, emasculated dude who wear his baby in a harness, with the baby dangling from his chest like an Olympic medal.

 

There are many Baby Harness Guys in the world today.

 

For shame.

 

More rain:

 

 

Isn't it strange how God invented rain? He made the most corrosive substance on earth fall from the sky and get into everything. Why did he have to make water corrosive, anyway? Water ruins everything...especially leaking travel trailers.

 

Anyway, because it was raining so incessantly, it was time for us to call it a day. So we headed back to the camper and packed it in. Hot showers and dry clothes were a godsend.

 

The next day, we had another mission: Operation Coronado Springs.

 

Again, if you read my previous trip report, you'll recall I wrote up a scathing review of the horrid Swan and Dolphin thing. I gave that mildewy, dated, worn, depressing joint an F-...the lowest Troll rating a Disney resort can get.

 

What's that, you say? You don't remember that review? That means you didn't read my last report! What are you waiting for? Get to reading: http://www.fortfiends.net/forum/topic/9844-the-trolls-invade-the-fort/.

 

If you don't read closely and you don't read all the Troll Trip Reports, you'll miss out on all the subtle inside jokes.

 

Not that that's saying much.

 

Even so, you want a be a Troll Insider, don't you? Of course you do.

 

OK, so the plan for today was to pay a visit to the Coronado Springs, a resort Mrs. Troll and I had never toured before, and do another review in the same vein as the Swan and Dolphin review.

 

But before we begin, please keep in mind that Mrs. Troll and I have not stayed there and have not toured the actual rooms. So the grade I'll be giving is strictly based on the lobby, shops, restaurants, and grounds. Got me? Let's get started.

 

We did not repeat the previous day's mistake of taking the bus to the resort. Instead, we drove. And let me tell you -- wow, what a world of difference. What would have taken at least an hour on the bus took us less than ten minutes in our own car. And there was ample free parking at the CS, so that wasn't a problem. Again, if you're riding those infernal buses, you're wasting your vacation and life.

 

Here's Mrs. Troll walking from the parking lot to the main lobby.

 

 

I must say, we weren't entirely impressed by the outside of these buildings. Looked kind of corny...a bit garish.

 

But don't stop reading there. We didn't judge a book by its cover.

 

 

Oh, yeah, by the way, I have another image hosting service. It's called Imgur. So far, it's awesome. Light years better than that heap of black tank contents called Minus.

 

Here's an interesting tidbit: The Troll was born and raised in Miami. Well, OK, that's maybe not so interesting. But in Miami, these things grow wild:

 

 

They're called crotons, and they're very pretty...as you can see above.

 

And here's our view of the joint as soon as we stepped through the doors:

 

 

This immediately smacked of the river ride at the Mexico pavilion in Epcot, the Gran Fiesta Tour, formerly known as El Rio Del Tiempo.

 

And you know what?

 

That's a good thing in the Troll's book.

 

 

OK, let's just cut to the chase: This place is effing gorgeous. Gorgeous!

 

You know, there are places in life where you go to them and they feel just a bit "off"? You know, you go in them and you feel out of sorts...a bit uncomfortable...like the place isn't right...you know, like the Swan and Dolphin.

 

And then there are those places in life that hit on all cylinders. Everything is right about it. It just feels "right" and "finished."

 

That, fiends, is Coronado Springs.

 

Right. Finished.

 

Check out the check-in area:

 

 

Look at all the windows! One right next to the other!

 

And in the lobby is a soaring dome with a beautiful tiled relief at the top:

 

 

And the gift shop is hosted by one of the Three Amigos birds:

 

 

That's so much more inviting and happy than President Obama.

 

There's a glassed-in walkway that leads to all the eateries:

 

 

And all the eateries were alive and fully stocked:

 

 

 

 

I'm not sure what that Gelato crap is, but it isn't ice cream. No thank you. I think it's European. Double no thank you.

 

Dang, this place is nice:

 

 

 

 

Mrs. Troll and I decided to have lunch at the a la carte restaurant, the Pepper Market:

 

 

The concept is interesting. You walk in, the hostess seats you and hands you a menu. You look over the menu at what they have. But you don't order from the waitress. Instead the waitress gives you a punch card and you then get up and go to different chef stations and ask the chef to prepare you whatever you want from the menu. The chef then stamps your card with whatever you ordered.

 

Like I said, it's interesting. I didn't mind the concept much but Mrs. Troll didn't care for it. Then again, Mrs. Troll worked in the restaurant business when she was a much younger troll, so she's much less forgiving about dining experiences than I am.

 

Anyway, I ordered a chicken burrito:

 

 

See all the stuff to the side of my burrito? They have a salsa bar where the chef makes the burrito, so I loaded up my plate with lettuce, tomatoes, salsa, olives, peppers, and guacamole to make myself a healthy taco salad. It was good.

 

Mrs. Troll had a hankering for nachos, so she ordered those. Sorry, the picture stinks:

 

 

The ceilings in the Pepper Market are really tall and bright:

 

 

OK, with that, I think I may be flirting dangerously close to the photo limit, so you'll have to wait for the rest of the review in the next installment.

 

Will we continue to like the Coronado? Or will it disappoint? Here's a hint: The Troll had to buy a new pair of socks by the time he left the place.

[h2odivers...Ray 952]

CS is next on my list to go visit. DWs favorite food is Mexican and has wanted to go for a while. I hope the food was good because regardless of what you say I'm going to be eating there on our next visit. Please let the food be good I hate bad Mexican food. Lol

[Beckers 1,136]

Oh Krispie Kreme donuts. That makes CS a win in my book.

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

That food looks good.

 

Uh oh.... new socks? Did the baby harness guy find you and throw you down in the wet grass?

[DaveInTN 3,247]

That burrito looks great.  I think it's all the salsa and accoutrements you put on the plate that makes it look so good, so I hope the actual burrito was tasty. 

[Thrill Shakespeare (Andy) 58]

Well, now, again, how does the muffaletta measure up to the real deal in New Orleans?

 

Better than the beignets did anyway.  At least a B- grade in the Thrill Shakespeare Culinary Rating Matrix ^tm.

[alexwyattmommy 181]

I think we will put this on our list of places to have lunch.  Thank you.

[McMonsters..........Kelly 48]

I had reservations here before our RV came through and we switched to come back to the Fort.  From most the reviews its 50/50 with who loves or hates the place.  The rooms are gorgeous! 

[shoreline99 137]

Let me reach back into the recesses of my memory to address the Swan and Dolphin comments. I believe those were built during the Michael Eisner era - the WDC had a deal with Tishman Properties to let them build and manage all the hotels on WDW property, but when Eisner came aboard he realized that there was mucho dinero to be made fleecing (er, providing rooms for) guests so he tried to break the deal. The end result was the Swan and Dolphin - Disney had creative control of the outside, at least, and they were designed by an architect that was very much in vogue at the time named Michael Graves. Tishman built and manages those two hotels (although I think they may be run by Starwood) and Disney got out of the deal for the other hotels on the property. IIRC they are where most of the business conferences happen on property and are pretty much like every other conference center hotel you've ever been in. Guests also get some of the Disney perks (transportation, etc).

 

They sure seem dated now, compared to the other hotels that were built in that era (I'm looking at you, Grand Floridian).

 

All of the other hotels that have sprung up since then have been designed by other noted architects (Robert Stern, for example) in conjunction with WDI (Imagineering) for theming.

[caveat lector 181]

Several things in no particular order:

- send some of that rain to St. Louis. Seems like forever since the lawn got a drink from Mother Nature

- I'm impressed with your implementation of the word "garish". It's one of those words that provides an immediate and complete assessment of the facade.

- based on some of your comments, I would bet that you are a fan of Ron Swanson

- nice work. Keep it rolling

[YENSIDCAMPER 66]

Enjoying the TR, can't wait to read more.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

OK, I am caught up, so stop holding back.
 
Can't wait to hear about the new socks.

 

- based on some of your comments, I would bet that you are a fan of Ron Swanson

I don't know about Troll, but I'm a big Ron Swanson fan.  I think Troll trip reports would rate high on the Pyramid of Greatness.

 

Nick Offerman is coming to perform at FSU's homecoming this year.  I'll bet he's a riot to see live.

 

TCD

[The Troll 67]

CS is next on my list to go visit. DWs favorite food is Mexican and has wanted to go for a while. I hope the food was good because regardless of what you say I'm going to be eating there on our next visit. Please let the food be good I hate bad Mexican food. Lol

 

The food is good. Well, at least the chicken burritos are good!

 

Oh Krispie Kreme donuts. That makes CS a win in my book.

 

Yeah...why don't they sell Krispy Kremes at the Trading Posts? They'd make a mint. Instead they sell those cardboard-tasting Entenmann rings from a baby's Tower of Hanoi toy.

 

That food looks good.

 

Uh oh.... new socks? Did the baby harness guy find you and throw you down in the wet grass?

 

Stay tuned. You'll find out about the socks in the next installment!

 

That burrito looks great.  I think it's all the salsa and accoutrements you put on the plate that makes it look so good, so I hope the actual burrito was tasty. 

 

The burrito was definitely tasty. Highly recommended. A good way to eat something good that isn't deep fried or smothered in cheese.

 

Better than the beignets did anyway.  At least a B- grade in the Thrill Shakespeare Culinary Rating Matrix ^tm.

 

I love a good Muffeletta! Where I live, there are many sandwich shops where we can get them. So I wouldn't order one here.

 

I think we will put this on our list of places to have lunch.  Thank you.

 

You're welcome! And, yes, it's a great place for lunch.

 

I had reservations here before our RV came through and we switched to come back to the Fort.  From most the reviews its 50/50 with who loves or hates the place.  The rooms are gorgeous! 

 

Stay tuned for my final grade of the place!

 

Let me reach back into the recesses of my memory to address the Swan and Dolphin comments. I believe those were built during the Michael Eisner era - the WDC had a deal with Tishman Properties to let them build and manage all the hotels on WDW property, but when Eisner came aboard he realized that there was mucho dinero to be made fleecing (er, providing rooms for) guests so he tried to break the deal. The end result was the Swan and Dolphin - Disney had creative control of the outside, at least, and they were designed by an architect that was very much in vogue at the time named Michael Graves. Tishman built and manages those two hotels (although I think they may be run by Starwood) and Disney got out of the deal for the other hotels on the property. IIRC they are where most of the business conferences happen on property and are pretty much like every other conference center hotel you've ever been in. Guests also get some of the Disney perks (transportation, etc).

 

They sure seem dated now, compared to the other hotels that were built in that era (I'm looking at you, Grand Floridian).

 

All of the other hotels that have sprung up since then have been designed by other noted architects (Robert Stern, for example) in conjunction with WDI (Imagineering) for theming.

 

That's the issue with architects who design buildings to look "modern" -- they quickly become dated and ugly. I prefer architecture and interior design that's timeless, which, I guess, explains why the Grand Floridian still looks great and always will.

 

Several things in no particular order:

- send some of that rain to St. Louis. Seems like forever since the lawn got a drink from Mother Nature

- I'm impressed with your implementation of the word "garish". It's one of those words that provides an immediate and complete assessment of the facade.

- based on some of your comments, I would bet that you are a fan of Ron Swanson

- nice work. Keep it rolling

 

I'm really not familiar with the Ron Swanson character, as Mrs. Troll and I have never watched "Parks and Recreation." Our son, however, does and has told me multiple times that the Ron Swanson character reminds him of me.

 

Ironically, I am a libertarian and I do work for the government! Go figure.

[The Troll 67]

Enjoying the TR, can't wait to read more.

 

Thanks so much for reading along! I hope you'll like the future installments even more.

 

OK, I am caught up, so stop holding back.
 
Can't wait to hear about the new socks.

 

I don't know about Troll, but I'm a big Ron Swanson fan.  I think Troll trip reports would rate high on the Pyramid of Greatness.

 

Nick Offerman is coming to perform at FSU's homecoming this year.  I'll bet he's a riot to see live.

 

TCD

 

So I looked up the Pyramid of Greatness and it's hilarious. Now I have to ask, is the Ron Swanson character a parody caricature? In other words, are they denigrating libertarians through the character by making a joke of him, Archie Bunker/Stephen Colbert-style?

 

[The Troll 67]

OK! Time to continue on in our journey.

 

When we last left off, we were taking a look around the Coronado Springs and gorging ourselves on nachos and chicken burritos. Let's see what other trouble we can get into.

 

If you're a fan of Troll Trip Reports, you know I'm a fan of signs, bridges, and lanterns. So here's a lantern:

 

 

Evidently, the Disney designers are also fans of lanterns, because they're everywhere...and all themed differently.

 

Here's another view of the Pepper Market restaurant. Notice the place is pretty empty:

 

 

You know, there's sort of an ideal Goldilocks balance to the right Disney experience. Too many people sucks; too few people feels incomplete. So some crowd but not too much of one is just right.

 

OK...now let me set up the next segment of this report. It's called buildup. I need to build this next segment up right.

 

I mentioned in my previous installment that I after visiting the Coronado Springs I needed new socks. Let me tell you why.

 

Before I do, allow me to take you back in time. When I was a young child, my parents took us -- my older sister, older brother, and me -- to Disney World every year at least once. I grew up in a lower income, rundown suburb of Miami that was poorly maintained, riddled with drugs and gangs, and sliding into deep decay. Needless to say, when we visited Disney World, to me, it was paradise. It was the perfect world. It was, to me, what I hoped someday the entire world would look like. To me, it was a vision, a vision that the rest of the world would surely model.

 

All the resorts back then really struck me. But the one that really caught my eye was the Poly. The lush, verdant landscaping, the colors, the tropical themes, the clean order of it all, man, that captured my imagination. It was a tropical paradise.

 

This was burned into my memory.

 

So, with that, understand the gravity of what I'm about to say:

 

The Poly grounds ain't got nothing on the Coronado Springs.

 

Yes, you read that right. The grounds of the CS blow the Poly out of the Bay Lake water. Don't believe me? Take a look for yourself:

 

 

Look! Themed, dedicated topiaries:

 

 

Look at that detail. Look at the color. Now, how come the guests of the CS get three themed topiaries but us Fort slugs don't even get one stinking moose?

 

We're going to start a petition. The petition will be to install heavy mufflers on those frickin' racecars and to install a moose topiary. Who's in?

 

Take a closer look at those topiaries. Unfortunately I had to cut Donald out of the photo because an elderly lady stepped into my photo and Mrs. Troll wouldn't allow me to shoulder check her out of the way.

 

 

Look at the colors! How do they get those colors? Maybe these things aren't really growing. Maybe they're fake plants. I bet they are. If that's the case, spray paint would effect colors very efficiently. Although I'm pretty sure the Mickey topiary at the Lodge DVC is real, as I saw a dude primping it on my last trip. So I'm going to remain in my fantasy land that these beautifully-colored, perfectly manicured topiaries are living plants.

 

Please don't dispel my fantasy.

 

I bet this place looks strikingly awesome at night. Look at the light bulb strings hanging across the walkway. I love that lighting effect. 

 

 

Sorry...that photo is a bit overexposed. I snapped it while walking.

 

This one is better:

 

 

See the building Mrs. Troll is walking toward? The words above the entrance say, "El Centro," which, in Spanish means, "The Center."

 

See? Growing up in Miami did have its benefits!

 

As you can see by the photo below, I am the real Troll and not an imposter:

 

 

See, an imposter troll would just walk past a lantern or lamp post and not waste time and memory card space taking a picture of it.

 

Oh, and here's a bridge:

 

 

Notice Mrs. Troll is digging through the backpack. She's looking for her sunglasses. She said that the day was too "glary," whatever that means.

 

There's a lake at the center of the Coronado:

 

 

And that bridge crosses over it.

 

The Coronado is definitely a tropical paradise. Here's proof:

 

 

Green lizards only live in tropical paradises. Non-tropical paradises are inhabited by those ugly, annoying brown lizards.

 

Kung-pow! Look at this:

 

 

I said earlier that this building struck me as garish. I take it back. I understand the theming of it now. It makes perfect sense when juxtaposed against its grounds and landscaping. A genius designed this place. Who is he? He gets a Troll Award.

 

What's that, you say? You think I'm giving away a coveted Troll Award too frivolously, a la President Obama's Nobel Peace Prize? Well look at this:

 

 

Daggum! Look at this place! Look at it!

 

And why does President Obama keep appearing in this Trip Report? Last report it was the Rock of Love guy...this time it's President Obama.

 

My apologies to President Obama fans.

 

I don't mean to offend.

 

Do we have any President Obama fans reading along?

 

Look at this place. Feast your eyes:

 

 

Bridge:

 

 

OK, so why do I need new socks?

 

Because the Coronado knocked them off, that's why.

 

OK...sorry to wrap up this installment so quickly, but Mrs. Troll and I have plans -- lunch at Be Our Guest!

 

Up next, we look at an Aztec pyramid.

[Beckers 1,136]

Wait, so no good stories about a 4 yr old spilling something on your shoes? A random puddle splashing date with the Mrs?

[dblr....Rennie 224]

Did it feel strange being on top of those bridges? Did you have the urge to hang out under them awhile :rofl3:

[Hotmamac aka Misty 11]

I'm so late but I'm here. I was going to add a duck face photo, but now that I see that exposing unbuff pecs is the new "in thing" I will have to think of something else. 

 

We stayed at CS on our honeymoon in 1999 and loved it. 

 

Rant on!

[caveat lector 181]

Nice. First you use garish and then move on to verdant.

Me thinks that a thesaurus and copious amounts of adults beverages have intersected.

Ron Swanson strikes me as a dude that is comfortable in his own skin. His daily decision making process revolves around some well thought out, somewhat rigid principles. He doesn't know what the top of a fence feels like, because he's never "ridden" one. He definitely has opinions, but only speaks if solicited.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Wow. I kept waiting for the bomb to drop and for a Troll Rant^TM related to the Coronado Springs Resort. How strange to hear that the Troll actually likes something.
 
Aside from the sunglasses (and maybe an extra pair of Troll Socks), exactly what the heck is Mrs. Troll lugging around in that backpack of hers?  She looks like a Sherpa.


 

So I looked up the Pyramid of Greatness and it's hilarious. Now I have to ask, is the Ron Swanson character a parody caricature? In other words, are they denigrating libertarians through the character by making a joke of him, Archie Bunker/Stephen Colbert-style?

 
You really need to watch the show some time.  I think the character is a parody, but I don't think they are denigrating libertarians.  It is more of a commentary on government waste.
 

Ron Swanson strikes me as a dude that is comfortable in his own skin. His daily decision making process revolves around some well thought out, somewhat rigid principles. He doesn't know what the top of a fence feels like, because he's never "ridden" one. He definitely has opinions, but only speaks if solicited.

Agreed.  Ron Swanson seems to have strong opinions about many things, but doesn't seem to have any desire to debate them.

 

TCD

[DaveInTN 3,247]

I've learned something new from a Troll TR.  I had never heard of Ron Swanson. 

 

I didn't say I had learned something useful.  Just new.