The Trolls Return to the Fort

[The Troll 67]

 

Better be turning around...if only you could...

 

That's right, Fort Fiends, it's time once again for a Troll Trip Report. And no matter how hard you try to resist the train wreck that is a a Troll Trip Report, you just can't. Oh, you may be one of those people who say, "The Troll is nothing but a troll! I won't read his trip reports. I don't like how he makes fun of It's a Small World, the Tiki Birds, and the Swiss Family Treehouse."

 

Yeah, you might say that, but then you can't resist all the Troll goodness.

 

So I understand there are some newbies here on Fort Fiends who may be unfamiliar with the Troll Trip Report concept. For their benefit, allow me to explain. My name is Norm. I am a troll. My wife -- her name is Mrs. Troll -- and I go to Fort Wilderness a lot and then I report on all the things I didn't like.

 

I do this thing called a Troll Rant^TM. It's where I rant about the things that particularly meet my disfavor. I enclose Troll Rants in Troll Rant Tags. I'm allowed to say anything I want inside the body of Troll Rant and you're not allowed to complain or report me.

 

This is not your average, "Look how cute my 4-year-old is!" trip report. It has nothing to do with that. Nothing.

 

So let's get the party started.

 

Mrs. Troll and I are enjoying our annual two week fall trip to the Fort. It's just me, Mrs. Troll, and our two troll dogs Zoe and Elma.

 

When we made our reservations, we requested the 900 loop. We stayed in the 900 loop on our last trip and have become firmly convinced that the 900 loop is the loop of loops. It's the king of loops. It's the only loop we want anymore. It's awesome. When we arrived, however, the site we were offered seemed a bit too close to the main road. We prefer to be on the far backside of the loop, away from the traffic and noise. When we made this known to the check-in agent, she offered us a few sites in the 800 loop. So we figured we'd take a site there.

 

But when we drove up to that site, we weren't crazy about it, so we decided to cruise by the site in the 900 loop we were originally offered. And it's a good thing we did, because it's awesome. Believe me when I say it's awesome. I'll have photos of it later in the report. I don't have any right now because it's been raining nonstop, but once it lets up I'll snap some pictures and prove to you that our site is the best site in the entire campground.

 

Trust me, it's true.

 

Anyway, I'm introducing something new in this report -- Troll Fails.

 

What's a Troll Fail, you ask?

 

Simple. The Troll fails a lot.

 

Usually in the most laughable ways. Like in my last report I told the story of how I gravely injured myself by trying to unscrew a hose from the water spigot. In another report I told the story of how Mrs. Troll and I made a trip all the way over to Epcot and the only attraction we could see was "Captain Eo."

 

Seriously. I'm not making that up. My wife and I made a trip to the theme park named Epcot and the only thing we experienced was that atrocious thing called "Captain Eo" and got so disgusted, we left and went back to the campsite.

 

These things are Troll Fails.

 

There are going to be a lot of those to relate in this report.

 

Like I had one right from the get-go. We backed the travel trailer into our site, unhitched the trailer, removed the hitch from the SUV, lowered the leveling jacks, hooked up the water, hooked up the power, hooked up the cable...

 

...and then realized we were too far away to connect the sewer hose to the sewer.

 

Fail.

 

Troll Fail.

 

I had to raise the jacks, unhook everything, reinstall the hitch, hitch the trailer back up, pull the trailer forward two feet, and then set up all over again.

 

Believe it or not, I am not a camping newb. I've been doing this for a few years now.

 

Hey, you know what I really, really hate?

 

I mean, you know, like hate? Hate as in, despise? Hate as in, Molotov cocktail?

 

That effing racecar.

 

No, I'm not talking about those baby go-karts on fixed tracks at Magic Kingdom that go all of 4 miles per hour. I mean, don't get me wrong, I hate those, too, but that's not what I'm talking about.

 

I'm talking about that abomination called "The Richard Petty Driving Experience."

 

Not familiar with it? Well let me tell you about it. Back in 1995, the carny conmen who somehow seized control of Disney World decided it would be really, really cool to have a NASCAR racetrack. Well, OK, fine. Go build it somewhere in, like, the Everglades. But no, that would require them to, you know, spend money buying new land, so instead they built it on land Disney already owned -- the parcel of land immediately adjacent to the Fort.

 

So people who book their reservations at the Fort, thinking they're going to get a nice, quaint, quiet vacation in the woods are in for a devastating shock -- a roaring, obnoxious racecar going around and around and around and around and around and around a track all...

 

...day...

 

...long.

 

You know, I don't even know who Richard Petty is, but I swear, if I ever meet him in person, I will punch him in the face. I don't care if he's 70 years old, I'm punching him in the face.

 

And see this lady in the photo, smiling because she just had such an amazing experience?

 

 

I will karate chop her.

 

So just now, Mrs. Troll said to me as I was typing these words, "Now, now...you can't blame the people going for the racecar rides. They're just having fun. You have to blame the people at Disney who built the track."

 

Wrong.

 

I blame everyone.

 

So, there you go. If you're new to Troll Trip Reports, this is what it's all about. I retell the story of our vacation to the Fort, post lots of pictures of everything along the way, and provide lots of commentary. Remember, it's all in good fun. Don't get too mad.

 

So who's in?

[Katman1356...Jason 1,140]

First! Count me in!

[h2odivers...Ray 952]

I'm in. Let the anger flow.

[Brent... Just Brent 83]

Even though I approve of many anti-troll things, I'm in.

As far as the race track... That's the first thing I heard on my first Fort trip. I remember thinking, "that thing is a mile away. No way that's what I can hear." Wrong. It's obnoxious. And loud. So for once, we agree on something. Rant on.

[YENSIDCAMPER 66]

Me and Mrs. YC are in.  Bring on the rants and the fun.

[Andrew Roberts 17]

Oh this looks like fun count me in

[McMonsters..........Kelly 48]

All in!

[Beckers 1,136]

I'm in.

I must suggest a throat punch vs punching Richard Petty in the face. Throat punch is the new rage.

And that's pretty crappy about the sewer hose

[momof3kids-Yvonne 596]

I'm in!

[CCIntrigue...aka Gwen 547]

I'm in too!

[blm2003 2]

I'm in! Bring on the Troll Rant's, Troll Fails, and all the other Troll Trip Report Greatness.

[Travisma 1,317]

I guess we didn't hear the cars our last two trips because we had rain on and off both weekends.  Roundy rounders don't go good in the rain.

[dblr....Rennie 224]

I'm in also bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

I'm in. Even as the mother of an adorable 4 year old, I can appreciate Troll TRs.

[Grumpy and Grandma 740]

Rant away, we can take it.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Bring it on, Troll!

 

I would say that so far the weather is a Troll Fail^TM.  Didn't you have bad weather the last time you were at the Fort?

 

You're in the 900 loop, you say?

 

Are there any nice open sites around you?

 

TCD

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

Bring it on, Troll!

 

I would say that so far the weather is a Troll Fail^TM.  Didn't you have bad weather the last time you were at the Fort?

 

You're in the 900 loop, you say?

 

Are there any nice open sites around you?

 

TCD

 

Hmmmm.... is the TCD troll going to be at the Fort soon?

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Hmmmm.... is the TCD troll going to be at the Fort soon?

 

Why would you think that?

 

You know my Fall has been consumed with visiting my daughters' schools for football weekends.

 

The only way I'd have time to sneak away to the Fort would be if Auburn, FSU and UF all had a weekend where they were either playing away or idle.  I would need a spread sheet to figure that out.

 

And, who it their right mind would visit WDW during the first weekend of the Food and Wine Festival? I hear it's a madhouse.

 

TCD

[Nicki aka Rebelstand 272]

i must not spend enough time at the fort as I don't ever hear the Richard Petty Racecar thingy

[Beckers 1,136]

The only way I'd have time to sneak away to the Fort would be if Auburn, FSU and UF all had a weekend where they were either playing away or idle. I would need a spread sheet to figure that out.

TCD

There are plenty spreadsheet addicts on the board that would probably love to help make one for you lol.

[BigTom 76]

I am in and I agree about the race cars. You would think they could afford mufflers for the price they charge. I don't even like trucks with loud exhaust. The buses make enough noise at the fort, don't need anymore.

[AC in A2......Aaron 693]

I am in. The race car noise is obnoxious while youre trying to enjoy some peace and quiet, but I also like the roar of a NASCAR and will be testing a track out someday.

Rant on though. I love a good Troll rant and TR!

[ajcjmom 8]

I'm in! 

[Helmsey......Todd 134]

Officially in, and waiting for rants and fails!

[Laura 17]

Tap. Tap. Tap...........