The Troll

Ka-zing! Couldn't have possibly said it better myself. What's the deal with the golf carts being driven by 12-year-olds? And why doesn't Disney enforce its own rules? There is a safety/liability issue there. It was Blondie. Joining the party a bit late, aren't we? Ha ha. Remember when our parents said that about our music? You can go see the mauve for yourself, but you will be underwhelmed. Or, well, overwhelmed by the loud, garish colors. And you know, I just don't know where I get all these great ideas for trip report content! More is on the way!

So let's continue looping, shall we? These scrub palmetto bushes grow like a weed and provide excellent fill-in coverage. Disney needs to plant more of them: These evergreen trees were planted extensively throughout the Fort recently: I want to call your attention to something: One of the recurring themes in this report, if you haven't noticed, has been the question, "How many [insert ridiculously overpriced item here] can they sell?" How many soap balls can they sell? How many $130 glasses of wine can they sell? How many crappy pieces of dolphin "art" can they sell? It all

It's a very nice car. A lot of people don't realize that there was a muscle car version of the Dodge Dart. It's bad ass. We found this place! When we were done with our drinks and BBQ nachos at the ESPN place, we decided to explore some more and happened upon the Bellevue lounge. I was disappointed, as we had already had our fill of drinks. You know what I listened to just recently? Orson Welles' "War of the Worlds." To think people thought that it was real. People were easily fooled back then. So I was disappointed we didn't enjoy our drinks there...but hey, we have someplace n

Time for a Sunday Troll update. When we last left off, Mrs. Troll and I were looping. We have lots more photos to see. Like this: You know how long it took me to compose that shot above? About 1/4 a second. This isn't too bad: And this is off the charts good: Hey! I almost forgot to tell this story. I've got lots of stories. So Mrs. Troll and I were stuck in the camper on one of the countless nights we were trapped inside due to the torrential downpours that were greatly contributing to the erosion of River Country. We were watching TV, flipping through channels. We

Please forgive the video. I didn't shoot it. I wouldn't shoot it. Notice I have no photos of that Duck and Fish abomination. I didn't want to subject my poor camera's optics to all the glaring orange, green, and mauve. Wait. Did I really just get my ass handed to me by Santa Claus? Moreover, allow me to call your attention to this: If Chuck Norris does it, you are in no danger of losing your Man Card. Now, would you ever see Chuck in sandals and tube socks? How about Chuck wearing a baby harness? Or, for that matter, Chuck dressed up as Santa Claus?

I hung out the welcome mat to dry: I was very displeased with the site marker photo I took when we first arrived, so I took another. This one is much more artistic: When I was setting up the shot above, Zoe decided to pay the photo site a visit: Yes, she's peeing on it. It was time to loop. We had to desperately take advantage of the blue skies before the clouds started dumping on us again. This time I asked Mrs. Troll to drive so I could handle the photography duties. In another report, I did this thing where I took a bunch of random pictures while riding BTMRR and they came

Forward! So we were at the ESPN sports bar on the Boardwalk. This is another one of those places that is never seen by the guy in the tube socks and sandals and baby harness. But then, can you blame him on that one? It's a sports bar...no different than any sports bar in any major city in America. No big loss missing this for a glimpse at Shamu. While we were enjoying our drinks, we got hungry. So we had BBQ nachos. They had BBQ nachos on the menu. They were good. Mrs. Troll and I put a hurting on those BBQ nachos. Sitting with us at the bar was a fifty-ish couple. They were both plaster

SM? Space Mountain? Remember when people were putting down mauve carpeting in their houses? Ugh. Thanks so much for the kind words, Judy! I'm glad to see you're still reading my reports! Spoken by the guy who has a zebra-striped naugahyde sofa on top of mauve carpet in his house...or wherever Lou lives! Picture the restorts the Golden Girls visited in the 80s. Ratings are a subjective thing. Depends on who's doing the rating. Troll Rating = zero out of four stars. Trust your friendly Fort Troll -- he wouldn't steer you wrong! But don't take my word for it. Behold!

All right...time for more Troll goodness. They are still letting me post here. Can you believe that? They haven't gotten the hook and yanked me off stage yet! Continuing on. When we last left off, we had spent the afternoon bowling at Brokeville and now we were on our way to take a walking tour of the grand Swan and Dolphin. We rode the bus over. Now...let's set some matters straight. I am very partial to all things Disney World. That's why I'm so nice and positive about all Disney attractions, including "It's a Small World," "The Richard Petty Driving Experience," and the entire "Animal Ki

Thanks! I think I'm a really lucky Troll. Oh, yes, this one did! Andrew! Agree. There's no other explanation. See below. Yep. No doubt about it. Odd. Why would they move the tracks that little bit? Ha ha...yeah, he needs practice...but he's a busy guy. All those Oprah and Letterman appearances! Ha! Kidding...kidding.

OK, time for a quick update. When we last left off, Mrs. Troll and I were waiting for the DTD bus at the main bus depot at the Fort. The bus was taking an extra long time to get there, so I was bored. So I was taking pictures of the interesting things around the depot. Hey! More ornamental rocks: These picnic tables are fenced off from the public. In order to use them, you must rent a horse: See: Here's where you board your horse: For some reason, when I read that sign above, I hear the voice of the guy on the BTMRR narrating it in my head. "Cuz this

Those were the days? It took 12 pages of Troll report for someone to tell the Troll to shut up. People are slacking. Must we? [TROLL RANT] Riding the buses at Disney sucks...largely because of the incompetent bus drivers. If you're going anywhere on Disney property on a bus, you want to leave 2 hours early. [/TROLL RANT] Happy? Lenny and Squiggy ruled. Hello! It's all like a weird, bad dream, right? Foreigners and kids really clog Disney up.

All right, time for more Trolliage. I'm going to have to skip ahead to the next day, as it was raining at the end of this day and, well, there's not much to report other than us hovering in the camper, trying to stay dry. So the next day it was the same thing -- more rain. Rain, rain, rain. Again, fortunately this is Disney, so we had lots of indoor stuff to do. Could you imagine had we gone camping in some state park? Our entire vacation would just be us cooped up inside our little ultra lite camper. Fun times. The plan was to go bowling. Mrs. Troll loves to go bowling and had been ment

If you're wondering why I had to double, triple, and quadruple post all that above, it's because this website only allows a certain number of quote blocks per post. Interestingly, the error message doesn't tell you how many you're allowed. That's a very interesting feature. I feel a Troll Rant coming on...

Really? Yes, you're crazy. The Whoop 'N Holler Hollow slides are in better shape than that roller coaster. Seriously. They have a roller coaster built in 1923 and they're begging people on the Internet to donate money so they can keep the rides operational. That instills confidence.

Yep. Sorry. Forgot to mention that. There was one of those dudes in one of those motorized scooters who carries his own oxygen tanks because he smokes like a chimney on the porch. When a chair became available, he started rolling toward it with his throttle full open. He was going to beat us to it, so I grabbed one of the barrels on the porch they use as end tables and rolled it at him like Donkey Kong! It bowled him over perfectly and was great practice for our upcoming bowling trip! That hotel and "amusement park" are interesting. Very, very weird and kind of creepy, but interesting n

Another "Shut up, Troll" award winner. Yeah! Get lost, kid. You're ruining my Disney vacation!

Sweet. Do they still sell Heath kits? Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner of the, "Shut up, Troll, I like the [insert thing Troll lambasted here]" award. In every trip report we get at least one such award recipient. So congratulations, Lonestar, this one goes to you! And I don't care what you say -- those picnic tables suck. And the checkerboard is fine, but they should move it somewhere else more appropriate, like back somewhere on the Old Swamp Trail. 1. You should probably get your money back for that speed reading class you took. 2. We'll take you up on that offer sometime. Just no c

All right...time for one more update today. Unlike other trip reporters, you get updates on the weekends here from the Troll. Gotta love that, right? You know one feature I like about this board? I like how it shows who's currently reading your thread. That way I can see when the people who say they don't like me are reading my report. Ha ha! Anyway, picking up where we left off, we had just come back from having lunch at the Wilderness Lodge. Now we were back at the Fort, so we decided to do some quick looping. There was a break in the rain, so we had to squeeze it in. In a previous upd

I think I remember that, too. Then they started advertising that they had HBO. And then there was a stretch when they advertised that they were managed by "Americans." Anyone else remember that? I remember the time my father brought home our first color TV! He won it in a raffle. He was cheap -- he wasn't going to buy one. So...I thought you said you don't read trip reports? You must be a very good skimmer. I'm glad you're still enjoying the report! Sorry I didn't make it up to that VIP room. The door they have blocking the stairway is pretty strong.

It's time to continue on! We're still at the Wilderness Lodge, wandering around. I have some more random, pointless photos to share: We went into the store: Here's a shirt to advertise the fact that you're a sucker...times two: As I've said many times before, I'm a Donald fan: Who needs to buy the junk? Just take pictures! Rock eggs: One has to wonder how many rock Easter eggs they sell. And then when someone does buy one, what does said person do with it? I've always wanted to see the factories in China where they make this stuff. You know one fact

There also has to be some major slaughterhouse where they harvest all the ribs and chicken wings. Yeah, we love AKL. We like it much more than Animal Kingdom. The AKL is just so hard to get to... Ah. Very good. You agree that the Swiss Tree sucks.

We continued up the stairs, trying to see how high we could get. As we climbed, we saw a sign for a bar or something at the very top floor called "The Old Faithful Club." Since it was way up there and I had never heard of it, I quite naturally wanted to go invade it. But as we continued our journey up the stairs, we ran into this: Translation: No trolls allowed. Blast! Another stupid sign! And just like our experience at the Contemporary, there was yet another door that blocked access to the stairwell leading up to the top floor, where the Old Faithful Club is located. To get through

OK, so we're at the Lodge to have lunch. We ate at the Roaring Forks. Not because it's known for its quality, fine cuisine, but because we'd never eaten there before. It was good but unremarkable. I think I had chili and a turkey sandwich? I can't remember what Mrs. Troll had. Like I said, unremarkable. And there are two lines -- one where they can cook you something off the grill or one where they make you a sandwich or salad. There was a lady working the sandwich/salad counter and she was fail. Total fail. She was slooooooooow. And for no good reason. You know, there are those peopl

Coming up next! It was more like a stream of subconscious rambling. And I agree -- the Lodge adds to the Fort very nicely. I just wish they'd allow golf carts to travel there. Fail. So are you one of those people I described who jam-packs their entire vacation with park visits? Does your husband wear sandals with socks? Does he have a baby harnessed to him? Do you make him push an enormous stroller? Yeah, people. Get with it. What is "MH"? Seriously, folks, the acronyms are out of control. "We went on the RNRRC then made our way to the IJESS and then hit TGMR and then walke